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Paul is the dad of two daughters, 11 and
14. His relationship with Alexis, the 11-year-old,
had been stormy for years. "She resisted everything
I asked her to do, and she would accuse me of never
being there for her," says Paul.
But things changed for Paul's family when his
wife's career geared up. Both she and Paul saw this
as a chance for him to cut back on work and be with
the girls more. "All at once," Paul recalls. "I was
the one who was there when the girls got home from
school. I was the one who took them to the dentist
and made their lunches." In other words, Paul
began sharing the parenting, not just helping.
His relationship with Alexis was still
difficult. "She kept turning everything into a
fight," Paul says. A major source of
contention was Alexis's messy room. At one point,
Paul told her, "This weekend we're going to clean
up your room." And Alexis said something
charming like, "You can't make me." So the
weekend came, and Paul was in his daughter's room
sorting through debris. Meanwhile, she sat on the
bed refusing to help. But things changed when Paul
began to sort his daughter's books. "We started
talking about ghost stories, aliens and unsolved
mysteries. Those were the stories that I liked at
her age, too," says Paul. "As we talked, she
finally got off her bed and started
helping." The two of them worked all day on
her room, and the next day they traded her kiddy
dresser for one that looked more grown-up.
Paul remembers in this way: "That weekend
was a real breakthrough for us. Somewhere in there,
she decided I wasn't the enemy. Also, I decided she
was at least partly right - up until the, I hadn't
really been there for her."
Whether you're an at-tome dad or juggling a busy
career, two points in Paul's story can hyelp you
begin to share the parenting. First, curiosity
matters. When Paul approached his daughter's
bookshelf with genuine curiosity, she responded. He
started asking questions, and that created an
opening.
The second point is one Paul stresses as most
important. "Hours matter," he says. "It takes
time to connect. As dads we have to make it a
priority. Otherwise you never know how much a girl
needs and wants your guidance - or how great it can
make you feel to be a bigger part of her life."
Source: Daughters,
2-3/01, Amy Lunch
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