The humor of Hopelessly Heterosexual, comes out of the heterosexual man's homophobia clashing with his sexual curiosity, not from any ridicule or negativity. Gay men and lesbians in our culture face incredible rejection, because our society is so "hopelessly heterosexual". This song’s good for discussons on heterosexism and homophobia, to friendship, male bonding and the origins of our sexuality. There are things about ourselves that we don’t choose; things we discover as we go on living. Our sexual orientation is one of them. Why would a twelve year old boy choose to be gay, when he knows he’ll be shunned by his straight friends? The marvelous process of exploring and discovering our sexuality is severely squashed by the traditional sex role expectations in our culture.

Hopelessly Heterosexual

I’m hopelessly, heterosexual
I guess I’m kinda slow
Mom and Dad were all I had
That’s the only way I know, so
I’m hopelessly, heterosexual
I’m stuck with being straight
So man-to-man I’ll ask you
Not to ask me for a date!

When I’m with you I’m happy
When you’re with me you’re gay
I love you like a brother
But not the other way!
Now I’m not scared to try it
But it’s not my cup of tea
I never even thought of it
Til you brought it up to me
And now that I consider it
I’d rather stay repressed
Cause I don’t feel excited at
The thought of you undressed!

I’m hopelessly heterosexual
You know I’m not a tease
I’m a product of society
So don’t be angry, please!
I’m hopelessly heterosexual
And I hate to be a bore
But I’d rather watch the Super Bowl
Than sit here and explore!

I’m flattered that you asked me
But that’s the way things have to be
Cupid’s kinda stupid
He hit you and he missed me!
But since we’re on the subject
And you know where I stand
What exactly do you do?
I guess, use your hand?
I mean, do you, how does,
What if, where will? From behind!!
Oh well, I just, you know,
It was, (gulp!) NEVERMIND!!

I’m hopelessly, heterosexual
And I don’t mean to offend
So don’t hold it against me
And I’ll be your best friend
No, don’t hold it against me
And please be my best friend!!

Written by Peter Alsop, ©1981, Moose School Music (BMI)

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Peter Alsop is a nationally known singer-songwriter, educator and humorist with a Ph.D. in educational psychology. He graduated from Trinity College in Connecticut and did his doctoral work at Columbia University's Teachers' College and Columbia Pacific University. He worked as the Director of The Harbor Schools Residential Treatment Center for emotionally disturbed adolescents in Maine and as a New York City elementary school teacher in the South Bronx ghetto.

Peter has produced nineteen audio recordings and seven videos and dvd's for which he consistently wins "Best Children's" awards from Parents' Choice and the Association For Independent Music. His songs are used daily by thousands of parents, educators and human service professionals to help families discuss sensitive issues. His "Wake Up" video with John Ritter helps families prevent child abuse and abduction. He's acted on stage and on television, directed a feature film, and performs extensively at conferences, festivals and concerts throughout the United States, Canada as well as hosting an annual training workshops at his Otter Space conference center in Northern California. He lives in Topanga, California with his wife, actress/director Ellen Geer, and their two daughters Willow and Megan. Contact: Moose School Productions, Box 960, Topanga, CA 90290 or 310-455-2318 or E-Mail or


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