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December
Creating Agreements That Work: Building Trust
Through Clarity
People yearn for relationships they can trust. They
want to be able to depend on people. They want
relationships characterized by ease, clarity and
harmonious cooperation. But, is there any adult who
hasn't felt let down or betrayed by someone who
didn't live up to his or her agreements?
What Is an Agreement?
What is an agreement really? An agreement is a
method for coordinating action between two or more
people. It is supposed to smooth the way for
efficient harmonious interaction. But why do people
so frequently not live up to their word? Usually an
agreement fails because it does not reflect the
true desire and motivation of all the people making
the agreement. People who agree to something
because they are afraid of what will happen if they
don't agree, will more than likely not follow
through, unless they are pressured to do so.
It is important to know that agreements alone
will not secure the safety and dependability we all
yearn for. For an agreement to be effective the
internal motivator that drives it should be so
compelling that the people involved are aroused to
fulfill their part, of their own volition. In other
words, an agreement you can count on has to come
from the right place.
Why Am I Agreeing to This?
That means that each person must answer the
question, "For the sake of what am I agreeing to
this?" This reason needs to be explicit. You can't
assume the same thing motivates everyone. You have
to question, discuss and clarify. Successful
agreements are always driven by a clear purpose
that inspires action. There are two very important
things that need to be part of a process for
creating agreements that will work. A clear and
inspiring purpose for your agreements and a process
for restoring trust when an agreement has been
broken.
A good purpose statement for sharing household
chores might be something like; "We agree to share
in household chores so that we can enjoy a
relationship that is free from resentment and
filled with trust, intimacy, passion and fun!" For
business agreements something like, "The purpose of
the following agreements is to ignite an
unstoppable force for imagination, creativity and
collective accomplishment." It is also a good idea
to post this declaration in a place where it will
be seen frequently by the participating members,
e.g., refrigerator, coffee room, bulletin
board.
Once you have crafted an inspiring purpose
statement for your agreements and you have listed
the agreements, make sure they are consistent with
your purpose. Then you need to determine a protocol
for handling the inevitable broken agreement. This
protocol needs to be something everyone accepts and
is willing to use.
Agreements Aren't Always Kept
Yes, it may be sad but true that even with the
best intentions, sometimes agreements aren't kept.
You agree to be on time and you get a flat tire.
You agree to pay a special project bonus and your
biggest account defaults on a payment. The best
kind of protocol is one that quickly restores trust
and completely neutralizes any disappointment or
hard feelings. This is important because we want to
make sure the memory of the event doesn't carry
forward any resentment, blame or guilt. Any of
these feelings are toxic to a harmonious
future.
We have found that using amendments to restore
broken agreements is a stellar solution. When
someone does not keep an agreement for whatever
reason, they offer an amendment to the other
person. It is much better if someone does not have
to ask for an amendment, but the person who did not
keep the agreement readily offers it.
Apologies and Amendments
An amendment is different from an apology. An
apology includes saying "I'm sorry" and how you
will handle things differently in the future. An
amendment is something you do to make up for
whatever disappointment or bad feeling happened
when the agreement was not kept as promised. An
amendment is not a punishment. It is an opportunity
to restore trust. What you offer for an amendment
depends on the intensity of inconvenience or
distress the other person experienced because you
did not keep the agreement as promised.
Imagine someone who is late for a meeting and
says upon arrival, "I apologize for being late. I'm
sorry you were kept waiting and wondering. How
about I bring flowers for the front desk tomorrow
to make up for it?" Offering an apology and an
amendment is a winning combination. It is a very
grown up move that rekindles trust and allows
everyone involved to bounce back to a very high
level of teamwork.
Amendments work best when they are pleasurable
for everyone involved. Treating someone to lunch is
a better amendment than cleaning their car, unless
of course you enjoy cleaning cars. Buying flowers
tomorrow is better than doing a big thing in two or
three weeks.
No Big Deal?
Sometimes people want to pretend that the
agreement being broken was "no big deal" and an
amendment is not necessary. We caution you against
this consistent reaction. It sends the wrong
message. It is important for people to keep their
word, to be accountable for their promises. The ill
feelings that come from broken agreements can build
up over time. Using amendments is a great way of
averting the kind of disastrous blow-ups that
happen when people get fed up.
It is a good idea to bring a light heart, a
sense of humor and your creativity to the amendment
process. Remember the purpose of an amendment is to
restore trust and harmony to a relationship.
Written Agreements or Verbal
Agreements?
Sometimes people balk at the idea of written
agreements. It seems like too much trouble. But if
you take a step back and look at most of the
failures in your relationships you will probably
notice most of them came from lack of clarity and
alignment. The hallmark of an enlightened
partnership is intentional design. Great
relationships don't just happen, mediocre ones
do.
The process of clarifying purpose and agreements
is a necessary part of the design process for
relationships. The conversations you will have will
illuminate what is truly important to each person.
This knowledge is essential in creating
relationships that work well over the long term. If
you create agreements that reflect the authentic
motivation of each person and you plan for
predictable breakdowns in a way that fosters
accountability you can relax into a new certainty
and trust in your most important relationships.
©2008, Paul
& Layne Cutright
* * *
Lovers know what they want, but not what they
need. - Publilius Syrus
Paul
and Layne Cutright are marriage and business
partners who have been teaching principles and
practices for successful relationships since 1976.
They are the founders of The Center for Enlightened
Partnership (www.enlightenedpartners.com),
an online learning and resource center providing
e-learning products, teleclasses and coaching. They
are authors of the Amazon Best Seller,
You’re
Never Upset for the Reason You
Think and
Straight
From the Heart. They
publish a free monthly e-zine filled with
inspiration and practical tools for all your valued
relationships (www.enlightenedpartners.com/newsletter.html).
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