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It was at a time when Ron DesMarais' financial
status required that he start cooking for himself,
as he could not afford eating out. This resulted in
his quickly getting bored with Top Ramen and
deciding to get creative in the kitchen. Soon, a
list of recipes with a limited number of
inexpensive ingredients started coming together.
What really bolstered the creation of his book
Cavemen
in the Kitchen, and the writing of it as
not just a cookbook but a ‘dating aid’ as
well was when Ron ended up at a date’s house
after a financially draining evening out. As both
were hungry but Ron too broke and both too tired to
go out somewhere, Ron dug through her cabinets,
found some items to work with and based on a recipe
he had created earlier, he created a meal for both.
She loved it and the results of the meal were
amazing in ways those under 18 should not hear
about. From that point, dates for Ron consisted of
cooking dinner, either at his house or the
date’s house, and afterwards, either watching
a video or doing something else. Click here
to order a copy of the book. (Contains adult
content.)
Appetizer - Hummus
Base
Beverages - Wine, Beer
& Water
Bruschetta
Desserts - Blueberry Soup
Pastas - Cajun Shrimp
Pasta
Pretty Salad
Salads and Soups - Miso
Horny Soup
Sauces, Marinades, and
Dressings - Tsatsiki
Sides (sides does
matter!) - Rice, Corn, and Squash
Things from the Dirt
- Moo Shoorito
Things from the Water -
Baked Halibut
Things that go 'Baa' -
Mustard Lamb
Things that go
'Bock, Bock' - Mediterranean Chicken
Things that go 'Moo' -
Veal Piccata
Things that go 'Oink'
Pop Chops
Baked Halibut
Halibut is a really good fish with a really light
flavor. Because of that, a little too much
seasoning will wipe out what little flavor it has.
If you are a spice Nazi, you might as well just use
a piece of soggy bread and call that the fish. From
counter to plate, this dish will take you ½
hour so plan accordingly. Another thing, this stuff
may have bones. I am talking about those little
teeny ones that you can almost chew through. See if
you can get fillets when you buy this fish.
Ingredients
1. 1 lb of halibut (Fillet is preferable)
2. 1/3 cup of Italian breadcrumbs
3. 1 Tbsp of Old Bay Seasoning
4. ¼ cup of margarine
Directions
Crank that oven up to 450º so it heats
while you prep. Now take your fish and cut into
pieces that are a decent serving size. Be aware
that you are cooking for a date, so the size is
going to have to be close to those undersize pieces
that you get in restaurants. Mix the Old Bay
Seasoning and the breadcrumbs together in a bowl
that is somewhat flat on the bottom and big enough
for you to rest each fish piece in.
Put the butter on a flat dish that is a hair
wider than the fish pieces and then melt it in the
microwave. While it is melting, take your Pyrex and
spray it with Pam non-stick stuff. When the butter
is ready, put everything on the counter in a line
in this order.
1. Fish
2. Butter
3. Breadcrumb mixture
4. Pyrex
Dip the fish in the butter and get both sides of
it coated. Rest it in the breadcrumbs and keep
flipping it until both sides are really coated
well. Then rest it in the Pyrex dish. Do the same
to the next piece and then put the Pyrex with the
fish in the oven. For every inch of thickness you
have on the fish, let it go for 18 minutes. Check
it frequently to be sure that when you split open
the inside of the fillets, it is a flat white color
and the meat is flaky.
Serving
This stuff is set to go straight from the Pyrex
dish and to the plate. Use a spatula because the
fillets will fall apart easily and putting a nice
fillet in front of your date is so much nicer than
a pile of fish rubble. Also, for a garnish, go
ahead and give her a nice little lemon wedge for
color.
Bruschetta
Description:
This is a cool little Italian kinda’
thing. Flat out, it is nothing but extra mild salsa
on a piece of toast. But saying, “Would you
like some salsa on toast?” does not bode well
for an attempt at appearing cultured. So, call it
Bruschetta and offer it that way. Besides, I have
found that a few words in Italian or French can do
wonders on a date. Bruschetta is quick to make and
what is better, it looks like you spent all sorts
of time on it. In fact, even though you are going
to probably use little toasted pieces of bread all
set to go from the store, you can even say that you
seasoned the bread and then oven toasted it. Make
it seem like you put more effort into than you
really did.
Ingredients:
1. 2 Roma tomatoes, these are the harder
tomatoes that are about the size and shape of an
egg
2. Four leaves of fresh basil. (Yeah, you can use
the dried stuff in the bottle that is all chopped
and minced, but, it does make a difference to use
the fresh stuff here)
3. 1 tsp olive oil
4. ½ tsp of garlic powder
5. A bag of store bought toast things. The pieces
have to be about 1 ½” to 2 ½”
in diameter and about ¼” thick.
Directions:
Take the tomatoes and the basil and be sure to
wash them off. Otherwise, you will have pieces of
dirt on them and when you eat, the dirt will crunch
and sound really weird. Also, we eat enough dirt in
our everyday lives, especially when something falls
on the floor and we extend the ‘two-second
rule’ to three. So, why serve yourself more
dirt? Once everything is washed, cut the stem part
out of top of the tomatoes, and then dice them into
little cubes about ¼ “ by ¼ “.
Toss them in a bowl.
Now put the basil leaves on a cutting board and
cut them into little pieces about the same size as
the tomatoes. Toss them in with the tomatoes, add
the oil and the garlic powder and mix it all
together. The hard part is done.
Serving:
Put the tomato mix and all in a nice little bowl
and include a small spoon for scooping the mix out.
Place the bowl on a plate and arrange the little
toast things around it. To eat it, use the spoon to
rest some of the tomato stuff on the toast thing
and chow. Finally, a word of advice, dish one up
for your date and give it to her. If she lets you,
feed it to her! This show of class and tact will
probably get her to say, “Mmmm, tasty!”
even if she thinks it tastes like crap.
Beverages - Wine, Beer
& Water
The correct beverages are always key to a killer
meal. You can start off really extravagantly with a
pre dinner wine, dinner wine and after dinner wine.
Then you can pass out. Choosing the correct wine
for a meal is pretty simple as if it is fish or
chicken, hey, white wine. But if it is meat, you
need to get a red wine.
If you are totally lucky and have a date who is
into beer, the choices still are not so easy. You
need to be cool on which beer to choose. Something
like a light pilsner will in no way go too well
with a heavy ass steak though the people at
Budweiser might disagree as they claim their beer
goes with everything. Something better might be an
ale or porter.
One key that will really show you really care
(ha!) is having a pitcher of water on the table.
Water is cool as it cleans the palette and keeps
you hydrated for the events to follow, and I am not
talking about washing dishes. Regarding washing
dishes, remember, you cooked, she cleans! So decide
what beverage you are going to serve: wine or beer,
and choose the appropriate link to figure out the
correct pairing.
Wine
Beer
Sauces, Marinades, and
Dressings - Tsatsiki
This is what salad, potatoes and all sorts of
things were invented for. You really can’t
just serve a bowl of dressing even though you know
you could put your spoon in there and eat it when
no one is looking. So, in order to satisfy the
craving for sauces, people starting throwing plants
in a bowl and dousing them with some of the stuff
in this section.
Not all that we have here is for salads alone.
There are other things in here as well such as the
Ahi sauce, the Hollandaise for asparagus etc. As
you jam these sauces, don’t limit yourself to
what you see it being used for here. Think of how a
sauce or marinade can be used for something else;
especially Cool Whip or honey, ha!!
Description
This is that traditional Greek sauce that you
find in all Greek restaurants. It is white and
tastes a bit like yogurt. Why, because it is made
with yogurt. Be careful, if your date is lactose
intolerant, the evening will be eventful in awful
ways. This stuff is great as a dip, a dressing, and
even good to top some main dishes with as well.
Ingredients
1. 1 tsp minced garlic, just get this out of
those little jars of precut garlic
2. 8 oz of plain yogurt. One of the single size
serving containers is all you need
3. 1 tsp lemon juice
4. 1/3 cup of peeled and shredded cucumber
5. 1 tsp of dill
Directions
Peel the cucumber and estimate how much of it
would fit into a third cup. Cut that much off the
thing and begin to shred it. I found that a food
processor works best, as you want it to be almost
like a pulp. You know, if you do not have a food
processor, you might want to get one. Yeah, it may
be a few bucks, but heck, look at the price of a
freakin’ dinner out. One of those will
outweigh the cost of the processor and the
processor will outlive most relationships. Toss the
spices and all into bowl and mix it all up. You
will notice that the dill is quite expensive so use
your judgment. If this is a second date, cool. If
it is a first date, decide whether or not the dill
is going to pay off. But, dill is crucial to the
taste of this sauce.
Serving
You are set. Pour the mixture into a bowl worthy
of sitting on a table and have a nice day. Include
a good size spoon in there as this sauce is best
used on top of something else so you will want to
be able to apply it easily.
Appetizer - Hummus
Base
Appetizers rock! These are the only things you
should cook and have ready to eat before the date
arrives. This way, she can nibble while she watches
you perform your ‘magic’ in the kitchen.
Hopefully when you are done with your magic, she
will be inspired to perform some of her own!! Woo
hoo!
Description:
This is a killer little dip that you can make
for your date to sample as she watches you with
those ‘oh he is so different from those other
cavemen’ eyes while you cook the main dish. It
beats the heck out of the store bought stuff and if
you were to compare the two side by side, you would
taste a major difference. You can also toss the
comments around such as, “Yes, I prefer to
make my own,” or, “I refuse to eat
something that contains items I can’t
pronounce such as ‘niacinamide, pyridoxine
hydrochloride and magnesium oxide.’ I know
what goes in my food and I can trust it.”
Mmmmm, tasty. By the way, those chemical warfare
sounding items are found in peanut butter which is
used for a few things in this book. But that is
okay; we don’t have to go there right now.
If you have sun-dried tomatoes, you can toss a
few of these in as well. Another swift idea is to
go to a store and see what sorta’ flavors they
have for their humus. This is always a cool sense
of inspiration on how to further personalize your
humus.
Ingredients:
1. 1 can of garbanzo or chickpeas (15 ½
oz.)
2. ½ cup and 2 T of Extra Light Virgin olive
oil
3. ½ tsp garlic powder
4. 1 T basil
5. Something to dip in to it and eat it aside from
fingers
Directions:
Take the above ingredients and whip them
together with a food processor. There is no need to
add them to the mix in any special order except
that you should add the powder and flaky stuff
last. Otherwise, it just sits on the bottom and
does not have a good chance to mix. Ain’t that
grand! You will know that you have whipped them
enough when the stuff looks creamy, kind of like a
killer potato chip dip. You can taste it and see
what you think. Adding more garlic is an option but
do remember, you want to be able to speak to your
date later without burning her eyebrows off her
face.
Serving:
Once you have the taste and consistency down,
scoop the mixture into a bowl and put it on a
plate. Around that plate, take some pita bread (the
thicker the better) and cut each piece like a
pizza. Take those pieces and arrange them on the
plate and around the bowl. Ahh, so nice, so
nice.
Salads and Soups - Miso
Horny Soup
Seriously, most of us consider salad as nothing
more than a vehicle for dressing. I love the fact
that everyone thinks salads are healthy and then
they load up on the dressing. Then, the next thing
that happens is some lady from Jenny Craig taps you
on the shoulder and says, ‘Did you know that
your salad has as many calories as an ice cream
sundae?’ Really? Well heck, doesn’t this
mean that you might as well have a sundae before
dinner? No, you really can’t do that, as the
date is already fairly wary of a guy who says he
can cook. In fact, most are expecting you to offer
a choice of either a Salisbury steak TV dinner or a
potpie. Start it correctly with the soup or salad.
Do be cautious, as too often the salad made is huge
and (with our clean the plate mentality) no room is
left for dessert.
Description:
This is a nifty little soup that will add that
Asian flair or the ‘Exotic’ to the meal.
It is almost as good as having Tia Carrera serve
you…okay, no it isn’t and besides, if Tia
Carrera were to serve you, you wouldn’t want
your date there and neither would I. But, this is
the soup that has the cloudy stuff floating in it
and what you get when you go to a Japanese or
Chinese restaurant . A word of caution, you might
not be able to find some of these ingredients at
your local store unless you live in Japan.
If you have sun-dried tomatoes, you can toss a
few of these in as well. Another swift idea is to
go to a store and see what sorta’ flavors they
have for their humus. This is always a cool sense
of inspiration on how to further personalize your
humus.
Ingredients:
1. 3 cups of water
2. 2 Tbsp of Miso, you want the red stuff as it is
salty, the white stuff is sweet and being sweet is
your date’s department
3. 3 chopped scallions
4. 1 oz of firm tofu that is chopped into cubes
that are half the size of dice
5. ½ sheet of sushi wrapping, this is
seaweed
Directions:
Heat the water, it does not have to boil but it
has to be pretty warm. While it heats up, cut the
scallions into nice thin slices. Remember, the
greater the surface area of an ingredient, the more
flavor it will have. Okay, there you are with that.
Now, when the water is warm, toss in the Miso
paste. You can try library paste as we all used to
eat that when we were kids, but Miso is probably
better for us. Stir that around so that it is
totally mixed.
While the stuff is simmering, either rip or cut
the seaweed into strips no bigger than ½”
x 2” and throw them in. You can use scissors
for this. Stir them in and while stirring,
remember, ‘wax on, wax off’ to get the
correct rhythm and motion. It’s an art. Now
cut the firm tofu into those ½ dice size
chunks and throw them in. When you guesstimate that
the tofu chunks are warm, you are done baby!
Serving:
This stuff has to be served in bowls that are
too small for anything else but probably one scoop
of ice cream. There, bring it out and if you are
daring, bring out chopsticks so you and your date
can really be authentic while you try to nab one of
those bottom dwelling tofu chunks.
Things that go 'Moo' -
Veal Piccata
The ultimate section; the meat, the beef, the
prize! Once we learned to cook this, there was no
going back. What the world needs now, is meat,
sweet meat. It’s the only thing that
there’s just, too little of. There is really
nothing more to say about this topic, as meat is
king. What helps the meat in many cases is being
sure that it is cooked correctly. The chart of
inside temperatures below is a life saver.
Rare 130º
Medium 145º
Well 160º
Freakin’ Cinder 170º
Description:
Now, this is one of those
‘Eye-tal-yun’ dishes. What makes it
groovy is the subtlety of the flavors and subtle
they have to be. Veal is the key. If you get meat
from a cow that was over 5 months of age, well
hell, you might as well get a steak and read the
directions on how to cook that piece of meat. No,
this is a dish whose value comes from how you can
accent its flavor without overpowering it. For a
meal, this should be the last thing that you
prepare, so have your side of pasta done as well as
whatever salad you are going to serve. If you can
get the pronunciation of this dish down, you
already have it made halfway to the bedroom, or the
couch, or the counter, or the floor or the.... I
have found that Italian accents work really well on
all women except Italian ones.
Ingredients
1. ½ lb of veal that is about ¼”
thick
2. ½ cup of Chardonnay
3. 3 Tbsp of butter or margarine
4. 2 Tbsp of capers
5. 1 ½ teaspoons of lemon juice
6. ½ cup of sliced mushroom buttons. Okay,
just chill, these things come in a can that is
labeled, ‘Sliced Mushroom Button
Pieces.’
Directions
Get the saucepan out, drain the mushrooms and
toss in everything but the veal. Turn the heat up
to medium and keep an eye on it and stir it
periodically. While the stuff is heating, cut the
veal into pieces that are, oh heck, 4” by
4”. As soon as the butter is completely
melted, stir the stuff around. Now here comes the
tough part. Toss the veal in there and you really
have to watch it. Give it about a minute and then
turn it over. When you put the veal in, it is pink.
Your goal is to get it cooked just beyond that pink
color. The sooner you get the meat out of the pan
after it loses that pink color, the bigger hero you
are as the more tender the meat is. So, flip it a
lot.
Serving
In serving, put two slices of the veal per
person on the plate. Then, put a lot of the sauce
on top. Be sure that you include a lot in the way
of the mushrooms and capers there. Whip it on out
to her and ‘Buono Appetito!’ I think this
means, “You da man.”
Things that go
'Bock, Bock' - Mediterranean Chicken
Chicken, if done well, is a close second to the
cow. Honestly, a steak everyday would be the
ultimate, but you sometimes need something else
just to let you know how good steak is. So, using
some of the recipes below, your siesta from steak
will not be too hard.
Description:
Okay, the only thing Mediterranean about this is
that it has lemons and they grow around the
Mediterranean. Also, it sounds a heck of a lot
better than ‘chicken wit lemon.’ The meal
thing here takes care of a side and the main course
so it is all good.
Ingredients
1. 1 chicken. When you get it, you want to get
the kind that has been cut and spread out. In fact,
it will look like the chicken that didn’t
quite make it all the way across the road but
instead got hit, squished and had its feathers
knocked the hell out of it.
2. 2 potatoes, the brown baking kind that are
healthy until we make them edible with too much
butter and sour cream.
3. ½ cup of lemon juice
4. 1/3 cup of butter
5. 1 tsp dill
6. 1 Tbsp of capers
Directions
Get the oven going at 375º on bake. There
are all sorts of things about chicken that people
tell you about such as if eaten raw it will kill
you, if eaten when not cooked all the way, you will
die. Wow, what are you supposed to do? Try this:
cook it. How do you know that it is cooked all the
way? Well, when you think that it is, get a knife
and find the thickest part of the bird. Cut down to
the bone and pry the cut open. If it looks cooked
and not pink, you are done.
Get a big Pyrex dish and put the chicken in the
center of it. The dish has to be big enough so that
the potatoes can be spread around it. Cut each
potato into 4 pieces lengthwise. Then cut all 8
pieces into slices that are about 1/8” wide.
When done, sprinkle them around the outside of the
chicken so that most of the bird is exposed.
In a saucepan, toss in the butter/margarine and
melt it over the stove. When it is done, add the
lemon juice and the dill and mix it all together.
Pour this evenly over the whole chicken thing. Then
by hand, sprinkle the capers around the edge of the
chicken along the line where it meets the potatoes.
You want to do it this way, otherwise, the capers
may rest on top of the bird and when you pull it
all out of the oven, the capers are these black
chunks that look like something that fell from the
top of the oven onto the meal. Not cool.
Place the chicken in the oven and let the whole
thing go about an hour. After that time, pull it
out and check the chicken using the method
mentioned above. Based on the results of your
probe, act accordingly: let it go longer or take it
out and turn the oven off.
Serving
This is a cool meal as all you do is bring it to
the table and plop it down. Start by serving your
date and begin by asking what kind of meat she
would like. Then hesitate to see how she reacts,
what she says, and then you act accordingly. This
is kind of a barometer to see where her mind is and
how the rest of the evening will go.
Things that go 'Baa' -
Mustard Lamb
Here is a thing that goes ‘Baa’ and no,
even though it is along those lines, I do not want
to hear about your trip to Ireland, lust and your
memory of the two! Lamb has a flavor that is really
different. In all of the dishes here, that flavor
is light so the recipes do not try to cover it up.
Yes, you are now getting away from the, ‘if it
is hot, brown and salty, then it is good’
thought process. Be cool with the lamb.
You might also want to check with your date
about it before you cook it. Ask her casually by
dropping the question, sorta like this, ‘Wow,
so there you were in the middle of the jungle
surrounded by those cannibals and all you had was a
toothpick to defend yourself? Man, so as they
advanced, I bet they were probably wondering if you
tasted like lamb, speaking of that, do you like
lamb?’ See how subtle that was?
Description:
This is one of those visually impressive meals
that is sure to make her swoon with surprise and
realize that, yes, you are the best damn thing to
come down the pike. The toughest part of this is
going to be resisting the desire to eat the ribs
with your hands. But no, this is the test that you
give yourself and that she judges. If you can keep
the ribs on the plate and eat them, not with your
hands, but with a knife and fork, you are the man!
Oh yeah, when you invite her over, just be sure
that she is not a vegetarian. Not cool if she
is.
Ingredients
1. 1 rack of lamb, see that is has about 7 ribs
on it
2. 1/4 cup Gulden’s mustard
3. 1 Tbsp soy sauce
4. 1/2 Tbsp olive oil
5. 1 Tbsp minced garlic
6. 1 tsp pepper
Directions
Crank the oven to 375º and let it heat up
while you get the rest of the stuff together. Place
that rack on a broiler pan you have making sure
that it is above the bottom of the pan. Be sure you
do this with the fat aiming up at the ceiling. This
allows the fat that will run down the thing to
leave the meat. Otherwise, you end up taking these
nasty fat saturated bites of meat. Fat has a
tendency to blow through my GI and if anything can
dampen the mood of love, it’s sounds that the
bathroom fan just can’t hide. So, be wary.
Mix the oil, garlic, pepper and soy sauce
together and then spread the mix evenly over the
lamb. Right before you toss it in there, figure out
where the bones are and make some cuts on one edge
of the lamb to let you know where they are. This
will help when you want to cut it for serving. Put
a thermometer in the thickest part and then shove
it in there. The rack will take about 30 minutes
per lb depending on its thickness, the heat of the
oven, the stock market and all sorts of things.
But, be sure that it is above 140º and let it
go to 150º if you want a medium rare lamb
rack.
Serving
You have some options here and can decide while
you let the lamb sit for a while. You might want to
cut it out there on the table or do it here in the
kitchen and then bring it out. It all depends on
what is going to look the best. If you cut it in
here, believe me, it will not be that impressive.
But, if you take it out there, the room may be
constricted. It is your call. I prefer to take it
out there and cut it for her. In light of that, I
always make sure that I have my sharpest knife
ready to go.
Rest the whole rack on a bed of seasoned rice
and bring it on out. Use the guide cuts that you
made before you put the thing in the oven and begin
cutting. Make sure that you cut each rib off
individually and then serve. Don’t cut the
thing in half and toss half on her plate and half
on yours. The knife you use to pull the meat off
the bone is usually dull and will cause you to try
pulling the meat off. This always results in
something flying off the plate and across the
room.
Things that go 'Oink'
Pop Chops
Pork, you can’t go wrong with pork. You can
serve it for dinner and hopefully, you will also be
serving her some form of it like bacon the next
morning! If you are going to have an evening of
dinner and a video, choose the video correctly if
you are to cook something from here. To make it
taste better, get ‘Animal Farm.’ Whatever
you do, don’t get ‘Charlotte’s
Web’ or ‘Babe.’ Pork is naturally
salty and someone once told me it was because pigs
don’t sweat. Whatever, because of that natural
saltiness, you do not have to add much salt to it
if a recipe calls for it.
Description
This will be a cool BBQ type dish for the chops
without the grill. You will want to be sure that
your date takes a few bites before you let her know
what you put in it. Not that there is anything bad,
but the combination of stuff just seems weird.
These things take about an hour to cook so be cool
and plan ahead. Have her show up about ½ hour
into the cooking so you can make the small talk
about her dress, her hair, her breasts etc.
Ingredients
1. 6 chops that are about ½” thick.
Normal chop width and all will do
2. 1 cup of Pepsi (Regular)
3. 1 cup of Ketchup (it doesn’t have to be any
really fancy brand)
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic (the stuff that is
precut and comes in a jar rocks)
5. 4 Tbsp of brown sugar
6. 2 Tsp of Tabasco
Directions
Turn the oven to bake at 350°. While the
oven heats up, get a Pyrex dish and put the chops
in the bottom. Do not put them on top of each other
otherwise this will mess with the cooking. Whip out
a bowl, put the rest of the ingredients in it and
mix them together. You can drink the rest of the
Pepsi. Once the saucy stuff is done, pour it over
the chops and pray that it goes at least halfway up
the chops. By this time, the oven should be set so
check it.
Slide the chops and all into the oven and give
it about an hour. As the meal cooks, straighten the
house out a bit. Toss all of your clothes under
your bed, sweep stuff under the rug, be sure all
toilet seats are down and be sure the empty beer
cans are gone. After about 20 minutes, check the
chops and flip them over. By this time, your date
should arrive and you will have that half hour to
engage in the small talk. 15 minutes later, check
the chops and maybe turn them over again. After the
hour, pull them out and cut one in half to see that
it is done. Pork is one meat you don’t want
pink!
Serving
The chops are going to be tangy and spicy so get
something cool to compliment them like coleslaw or
something. Place two chops on each plate and ladle
a little of the sauce over them. Bring it on out
and wait for your date to sample a bit. If she
claims to be a vegetarian, load her chops on your
plate and scoop your coleslaw on hers and start
eating. If she digs in, wait till her eyes light up
and she tells you how good they are before you tell
her Pepsi is one of the ingredients.
Things from the Water -
Baked Halibut
Yes, there are two kinds of water, salt and fresh.
I have never given much thought to fresh water fish
so the closest you will get is Salmon and that
fishy is in here only because it spends some time
in the ocean. What a nasty life. You are born, swim
around a bit, go home, fornicate ONCE and die. Can
you imagine being in salmon heaven and in talking
to the other guy salmon, you find out you got the
ugly salmon girl? The pressure would be awful, you
have only one shot (literally) and you blew it.
Like lamb, fish is really light in taste so you do
not want to kill it with spices and all of that.
Remember, you want to taste what you are cooking.
You do not want what you are cooking to be a
serving dish for the spices you put on it.
Description
Halibut is a really good fish with a really
light flavor. Because of that, a little too much
seasoning will wipe out what little flavor it has.
If you are a spice Nazi, you might as well just use
a piece of soggy bread and call that the fish. From
counter to plate, this dish will take you ½
hour so plan accordingly. Another thing, this stuff
may have bones. I am talking about those little
teeny ones that you can almost chew through. See if
you can get fillets when you buy this fish.
Ingredients
1. 1 lb of halibut (Fillet is preferable)
2. 1/3 cup of Italian breadcrumbs
3. 1 Tbsp of Old Bay Seasoning
4. ¼ cup of margarine
Directions
Crank that oven up to 450º so it heats
while you prep. Now take your fish and cut into
pieces that are a decent serving size. Be aware
that you are cooking for a date, so the size is
going to have to be close to those undersize pieces
that you get in restaurants. Mix the Old Bay
Seasoning and the breadcrumbs together in a bowl
that is somewhat flat on the bottom and big enough
for you to rest each fish piece in.
Put the butter on a flat dish that is a hair
wider than the fish pieces and then melt it in the
microwave. While it is melting, take your Pyrex and
spray it with Pam non-stick stuff. When the butter
is ready, put everything on the counter in a line
in this order.
1. Fish
2. Butter
3. Breadcrumb mixture
4. Pyrex
Dip the fish in the butter and get both sides of
it coated. Rest it in the breadcrumbs and keep
flipping it until both sides are really coated
well. Then rest it in the Pyrex dish. Do the same
to the next piece and then put the Pyrex with the
fish in the oven. For every inch of thickness you
have on the fish, let it go for 18 minutes. Check
it frequently to be sure that when you split open
the inside of the fillets, it is a flat white color
and the meat is flaky.
Serving
This stuff is set to go straight from the Pyrex
dish and to the plate. Use a spatula because the
fillets will fall apart easily and putting a nice
fillet in front of your date is so much nicer than
a pile of fish rubble. Also, for a garnish, go
ahead and give her a nice little lemon wedge for
color.
Things from the Dirt
- Moo Shoorito
In writing the book, I paid special attention to my
canine teeth known as my incisors. They are for
ripping meat and someone gave them to us a long
time ago and since they have not been taken away,
the majority of this book is dedicated to items
that will give them a workout. Occasionally you
will get the girl who is the vegetarian so the two
things here will take care of her unless she is a
vegan (someone who is totally against eating
anything from an animal including milk). If she is
from the planet Vega, then only the Moo Shoorito
will work.
Whatever you do, do not put this book down and
go after a ‘Boca’ burger or dog. Those
are things that are marketed as being totally made
of veggies but taste just like meat. Hell, if you
want something that tastes just like meat, get meat
and save the cash, as meat is less expensive than
the Boca stuff. If you mention Boca around me, it
had better have ‘Raton’ right behind it
and we’d better be talking about
retirement.
Description
The ‘Moo’ comes from Moo Shoo as in
the flimsy little tortilla type thing that you get
when you order this dish at a Chinese restaurant.
In talking to a Chinese girl, she told me the
authentic translation for this term is
‘pancake.’ Damn that’s original!
Well, those pancake things always fall apart so
this recipe calls for tortillas. Now there’s a
wrap that’ll hold anything. Since it’s a
tortilla, I took the ‘rito’ away from
‘bur’ and there it is.
This is a great meal if you are with a girl who
is a vegetarian. So, when she shows up with the
leather Gucci purse and peels of her leather Calvin
Klein jacket to stay awhile, you can show your
sensitivity to her needs by serving this
‘veggie’ dish.
Ingredients
1. 2 cups of frozen vegetables (fresh if you
prefer to work harder by chopping them). The ones
you want will have to have some water chestnuts,
bell peppers and some small pea pods. Really, to be
easy about it, just look for frozen vegetables that
have that words stir-fry, Asian or Oriental or
something
2. A package of flour tortillas
3. Hoi sin sauce. This is found in the ethnic food
section of any major shopping chain. If you go to
the ethnic section of the store and find only
macaroni and cheese, white bread and cheese whiz,
this means that you are in Chinatown and have to go
to their regular sauce and dressing section
Directions
See that the vegetables are cut into small
pieces with none larger than a dice. Toss a little
water in a pan, maybe about ¼” deep and
heat it up. Put the chopped veggies in there and
get them so they are warm. Keeping the vegetables
crisp but warm/hot is the best, as they taste
better. But, as they are frozen, they have probably
lost all their taste anyway. So, put a teeny bit of
soy sauce in there. Soy means salt in Japanese and
Chinese.
Serving
To serve this meal, drain the veggies and put
them in a covered bowl so that they will stay warm.
Also, have the hoi sin in a bowl with a nice little
spoon and then put both it and the veggies on the
table. Then, take a flour tortilla, put it on a
microwave safe plate and nuke it for 22 seconds.
You want the tortilla to be warm and pliable which
is pretty much how you want your date to be later.
Get two of these going as close together as
possible so that you can eat together.
When the tortillas are set, bring them out and
demonstrate the proper technique. Put a bead of hoi
sin in the center of your tortilla and on top of
it, put a nice line of vegetables. Roll it up like
a burrito and there you are. Ah, so good!
Pastas - Cajun Shrimp
Pasta
A question has always been, “How much stinking
pasta do I cook?” Well, if there are two of
you and this is the meal, consider that the pasta
is the potato and whatever you put on it is the
meat. So, for a main dish for two, grab the angel
or string pasta and see that you have about a 1
¼” diameter amount. This will be cool. If
the pasta is a side, then halve that amount as well
as the amount of sauce that you cooking.
When cooking pasta, don’t put ‘just
enough water in there.’ You want a liberal
amount of water so the pasta can roll with the
water as it boils and all. This also allows that
excess powdery stuff to wash off too. Otherwise, it
will all stick together and you will have a big
nasty ‘sketti roll’ to cut and eat.
Finally, when getting the water ready, put in what
you think is enough salt to make the water taste
like seawater. Then crank the heat so that the
water boils. When the water boils, that is the time
to put the pasta in. Never put the pasta in there
until the water is boiling. When serving pasta, it
is almost law to have two things on the table:
Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper. These allow
you to tailor your noodles to your tastes. Yes, you
could add the stuff in the kitchen, but think about
it this way. What you are bringing out is a
standard model car; let her choose the accessories
that she wants.
Description
This is a sauce that can be considered hot to
some so watch it. The last thing you need to do is
set the date on fire or get her lips so hot that
kissing is painful. Yep, no fun in there. The sauce
is almost like water and that is where the bread
comes in. You use it to soak up the excess liquid
and eat.
This is a total finger food because you eat the
bread with your hands and you also pick up the
shrimp and eat them with your hands as well. This
is a nice entrée to offering to feed each
other shrimp!! Oh yeah baby! Also, do not worry
about the beer as most of the alcohol will burn
off. Sometimes, this is not a good thing.
Ingredients
1. 2 Tbsps of Cajun Choice Blackened
Seasoning
2. 48 oz of Budweiser
3. 2 tsp of crushed garlic
4. 15-20 cooked shrimp with tail on
5. ½ “ diameter of spaghetti
6. A nice crusty loaf of French bread
Directions
In one pot, pour in everything but the shrimp.
Heat it all up and cook it just like you were
cooking spaghetti. While it is cooking, take the
bread and cut it up into slices or chunks. This is
what you are going to dip into the sauce.
Since the recipe calls for 48oz of Budweiser, if
you get a six-pack, this will leave two bottles.
Mmmmm, what to do, what to do with the other two
while you cook? When the pasta is just about done,
toss in the shrimp so that they get warmed. If you
toss them in too soon and cook them too long, they
become rubber shrimp and those are not too
tasty.
Serving
When the pasta is cooked, ladle it and a lot of
the sauce into bowls. Bring it on out and enjoy it.
You should have the French bread that you cut up in
a bowl on the table so that you can take a chunk
and dip it in the excess beer sauce. This stuff
will also have a tendency to run down your
date’s chin and neck offering you yet another
great opportunity to offer the tongue napkin!!
Sides (sides does
matter!) - Rice, Corn, and Squash
Sides are the complement to all the things that
came before in this book. They do quite a bit in
the way of adding variety, color and balancing the
meal out so you do not have just steak or something
else. Granted, meat alone is cool with us, but we
have all been brainwashed with the idea that we
have to have more on the plate with variety or else
it is just not a meal. So, until we can buck that
tradition, we have to abide by that unwritten rule
and put something else on the plate. Don’t
forget, though, that a salad or soup at the
beginning of a meal can be considered a side too so
this is cool.
A killer rule in creating sides is to first look
at the prep time and have that revolve around the
time it takes to cook the main course. Be aware of,
as well, the number of burners that you will need
to cook all the stuff. Putting something out in the
sun to cook because you ran out of burners on the
stove is not a cool. First, the sun will not cook
it and second, the neighbor’s dog will
probably come over and snake it.
Description
This is a rice dish that has to be associated
with summer or something since it has all the
yellow, green and red colors in it. It is a really
quick deal to do but the only thing you have to
watch out for is the temperature. You are going to
be adding a lot of cool things and it has to be hot
when you serve it. Also, as this has the carbos and
the vegetables, this side can knock out two things
and be left by itself with the main dish.
Ingredients
1. 1 (14-15 oz) can of whole kernel corn
2. 1 ½ cups of rice
3. 1 cup of medium salsa
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic
5. 1 cup of sliced and quartered zucchini
Directions
Now, this is tough so pay close attention. Put a
pot on the stove and turn it to low. Throw
everything in there, mix it, and let it heat up.
While it heats, stir it once in awhile to be sure
that it all heats evenly.
If you have a lot of liquid in there from the
salsa, let it go uncovered until a lot of that
liquid evaporates. Once you see that you have a
desired amount of liquid, cover the mix and let it
sit while you get the rest of the meal together. If
the rest of the meal is done, well, this is done
too. If you still need more time to prepare the
meal, cover this dish, lower the heat and let it go
until the rest is ready.
Serving
This is an up in the air serving item. It really
doesn’t matter, as there is no real original
shape to this side. So, you can bowl it and bring
it out or you can toss some on the plate and bring
it out. You gauge how you want to do it based on
how the date is going so far.
Desserts - Blueberry
Soup
Okay, here is my take on dessert. If you can’t
get up and get the dessert out on the table within
7 minutes after dinner, forget it. You have your
date at your place, you have cooked your butt off
and now you want to kick back and chill out a bit.
So what is the point of going back into the kitchen
and busting your butt for another hour to cook?
Hey, you have things to see and people to do!
Here are the approaches to use. Either have
something ready that you prepared before the date
even started, or have something that you bought
from the store and that you just have to arrange
nicely and serve, or have something that can be
whipped up within a few minutes. C’mon man,
time is a wasting. Yeah, you got your date here to
watch you cook, but enough is enough! You have
other things in mind don’t you? It is now
close to the time to see how well you and your date
cook together!!
Description
This little dish is really like a blueberry
vichyssoise. What is a vichyssoise you may ask? It
is cold potato soup. Now that is something tasty. I
bet cold potato soup was created by someone who
forgot to pay the gas bill. Okay, this stuff is
really cool because it can be prepared in little or
no time and, you only get a few dishes dirty. Mind
you though!! It must be done before dinner.
Ingredients
1. 1 cup of blueberry yogurt (6 oz)
2. 16 oz package of frozen blueberries
3. 6 oz of orange juice
4. ¼ cup sugar
5. ¼ tsp of cinnamon
6. Cool Whip
Directions
If you have one of those hand blenders, you can
use a mixing bowl but honestly, a blender is the
best way to go. Empty out the margarita mix and
tequila from the blender and into it, toss the
yogurt and keep the empty yogurt container. Fill
the empty container two times with frozen
blueberries and toss them in. Next, fill the yogurt
container with orange juice and throw that in. To
the all of this stuff, toss in the sugar and the
cinnamon and the hard part is done.
Turn the blender on to blend but keep an eye on
it as you do not want to beat all the blueberries
to hell. You only want about 2/3 of them
pulverized. It is cool to leave a few whole ones in
there so the date doesn’t have to ask where
the blue color came from. Pour a good amount into
some bowls and let these chill during dinner in the
fridge.
Serving
Right before you bring this stuff out, float
some Cool Whip in the center and enjoy. It is cool
and refreshing and…I ran out of
adjectives.
Pretty Salad
This salad gets its name from being
‘Pretty’ easy to make. Also, it looks
‘Pretty’ and that is ‘Pretty’
cool. The toughest part about making this salad is
going to the store and being able to pronounce and
find the proscuitto: the name of the fancy ham you
will use. It is pronounced
‘Pro-shoe-toe,’ not
‘Proskie-utt-o.’ Before you make this
salad though, be sure your date is not a leather
shoe-wearing vegan. If you find out only after she
arrives and you have made the salad, hell, she eats
the spinach and you get all the ham. Not too
shabby!
Ingredients:
1. A handful of spinach leaves. Get these from
the salad bar in the store. Otherwise you have to
buy an entire bunch and that costs too much. When
you get the handful, don’t squeeze it tightly;
otherwise, the leaves will get crushed and look old
when you serve the salad. Instead, grip it lightly
like you are about to throw a Nerf football.
2. ¼ lb of proscuitto or about 12 slices. This
can be found either in a deli section or at a deli
counter. Getting freshly sliced proscuitto at a
deli counter is best. Too often the pre-packaged
stuff is laced with too much fat. Trying to cut,
chew, and swallow that stuff is not easy. You can
be chewing one end of it while the other has been
swallowed and is tickling the top of your small
intestine. If you can get it sliced, ask that your
proscuitto is sliced almost paper thin and the
slices are about 3” x 8”
3. 1 Tbsp of olive oil.
Directions:
This can be prepared within 4 minutes. Before
you do it though, be sure the spinach leaves are
cool by keeping them in the fridge before you use
them. This keeps them crisp and not wilty. You want
your tongue and teeth to be able to tell the
difference between the proscuitto and the
leaves.
Take a plate or tray that is about 14” in
diameter and cover it evenly with the spinach
leaves. Next, arrange the proscuitto on top of the
spinach leaves so it looks like the spokes of a
wagon wheel radiating out from the center. You have
12 pieces so space them out like the hours of a
clock. Finally, drizzle the olive oil all over the
top of the dish. Boom, you are done!
Serving:
This is the hard part. Take the serving plate
with the stuff on it and put it on the table with a
couple of serving utensils. Whew! Now for the good
part, grab a beer and have a nice day.
Pop Chops
This will be a cool BBQ type dish for the chops
without the grill. You will want to be sure that
your date takes a few bites before you let her know
what you put in it. Not that there is anything bad,
but the combination of stuff just seems weird.
These things take about an hour to cook so be cool
and plan ahead. Have her show up about ½ hour
into the cooking so you can make the small talk
about her dress, her hair, her breasts etc.
Ingredients
1. 6 chops that are about ½” thick.
Normal chop width and all will do
2. 1 cup of Pepsi (Regular)
3. 1 cup of Ketchup (it doesn’t have to be any
really fancy brand)
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic (the stuff that is
precut and comes in a jar rocks)
5. 4 Tbsp of brown sugar
6. 2 Tsp of Tabasco
Directions
Turn the oven to bake at 350°. While the
oven heats up, get a Pyrex dish and put the chops
in the bottom. Do not put them on top of each other
otherwise this will mess with the cooking. Whip out
a bowl, put the rest of the ingredients in it and
mix them together. You can drink the rest of the
Pepsi. Once the saucy stuff is done, pour it over
the chops and pray that it goes at least halfway up
the chops. By this time, the oven should be set so
check it.
Slide the chops and all into the oven and give
it about an hour. As the meal cooks, straighten the
house out a bit. Toss all of your clothes under
your bed, sweep stuff under the rug, be sure all
toilet seats are down and be sure the empty beer
cans are gone. After about 20 minutes, check the
chops and flip them over. By this time, your date
should arrive and you will have that half hour to
engage in the small talk. 15 minutes later, check
the chops and maybe turn them over again. After the
hour, pull them out and cut one in half to see that
it is done. Pork is one meat you don’t want
pink!
Serving
The chops are going to be tangy and spicy so get
something cool to compliment them like coleslaw or
something. Place two chops on each plate and ladle
a little of the sauce over them. Bring it on out
and wait for your date to sample a bit. If she
claims to be a vegetarian, load her chops on your
plate and scoop your coleslaw on hers and start
eating. If she digs in, wait till her eyes light up
and she tells you how good they are before you tell
her Pepsi is one of the ingredients.
©2008 by Ron DesMarais
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