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April
From Marriage to Dating: Changing Old Habits
A marriage break-up is bound to be painful, and you
will need some transition time to heal, reflect and
learn before you seriously consider meeting
potential partners. When you finally start dating,
one of the challenges you’ll face is moving
from a “marriage mind-set” to a
“dating mind-set”. Every marriage has its
unwritten rules of how to behave and what’s
taken for granted. You form habits and slide easily
into patterns of relating, both good and bad, and
the longer you are married the more entrenched the
habits will be. Here’s how to change five
typical marriage habits so you’ll succeed at
the dating game:
1.) Stay in the room and communicate until
you have a resolution In your marriage, you had
the opportunity to stomp out of the room, cool down
and discuss a contentious issue a few days or even
weeks later (or to let it fester forever!). Now,
your challenge is to hang in there and keep the
lines of communication open, working through issues
and problems now, because who knows whether your
partner will even be there tomorrow?
2.) Spell it out. In your marriage, you
may have gotten into the habit of expecting your
partner to "read your mind" and pick up subtle
signals about your likes and dislikes and needs.
Now your challenge is to state your needs and
feelings out loud in a responsible way, because new
dating partners won't know you as well. The good
news is that by speaking up you can help shape how
new partners treat you.
3.) Put forth the effort to look your best.
When you were married, there were days when you
felt comfortable letting your appearance go.
Walking around with your hair uncombed in a grungy
pair of sweats may have worked then, but now you
have to take time to take care of how you look. You
can say, "I want someone who likes me just the way
I am", but truthfully the way humans operate is to
feel more comfortable with--and attracted
to--someone who looks and acts vital and fit and
cares enough about themselves to look
presentable.
4.) Request, don't criticize. Criticism
and sniping occur all-too-often in marriages, and
they ultimately weaken the foundation of a
relationship. Instead of criticizing, make a new
habit to request what you want or need in a
specific, caring way. Instead of saying, "You never
show up on time!", say, "On Saturday night, it
would mean a lot to mean if you met me on time or
even a few mintues early. I would really appreciate
it." Learn to know your needs and to make requests
of others to get them met.
5.) Be thankful for little things and show
your appreciation. In marriage, people take
things for granted and they get in the habit of
ignoring all that's good about their spouses. They
may give positive recognition only rarely and for
extraordinary things. Instead, be thankful for
little things, even the fact that a person is
spending the evening with you. Start your new
relationship on a solid foundation of gratitude and
appreciation, right from the beginning.
Dating is a chance to start over, to put your
best foot forward without the baggage of old
relationships. Take the opportunity to let go of
your old marriage habits and create a new and
lasting relationship.
©2010, Marty
Friedman
* * *
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is
threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people
together through the years. - Simone Signoret
Martin
G. Friedman is the author of “Straight
Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to
Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know
About Men)”. For
many years, Marty Friedman taught corporate
managers how to create good relationships at work
before tackling male/female relationship
issues--and applying what he learned to his own
marriage. The founder of Men in Marriage, Marty is
regularly interviewed on radio and television, and
talks to organizations and individuals from a
unique, inspirational and humorous perspective.
Find out more at www.meninmarriage.com
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