How to get Women
to Love You

Technique #10: Please Her

We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #9: Love Women. Here is Technique #10:

Please Her.

This may be news to some of you: Her needs are more important than your needs. At least to her. If you want to sustain and enhance your relationship, find ways to make her needs more important than yours. Not all the time, but often enough. If you want a woman to love you, put your attention on what she wants and needs. Sometimes she will tell you what she wants and needs, but most of the time she expects you to read her mind and figure it out. Yes, it's unfair, but that's the deal.

It turns out that when you DO put your attention on her, and DO try to figure out (or perceive) her wants and needs, you'll be right much of the time, and wrong some of the time. But you'll win her love ALL of the time if you're trying, because that means you're giving her the most precious gift of all - your attention.

If you're focused on getting your own needs fulfilled most of the time (and many of us will admit that this is true 99% of the time), you'll miss out on pleasing her. When a woman is pleased, she opens her heart, and her love pours out, and she showers it on you. The more time you focus on her needs, wants, and desires, the more you will be loved. Although it is counter-intuitive, the more you focus on her, the better it is for you. Then, the more you are loved the more filled up you feel, and the more life energy, attention, and joy you have to bring to the rest of your life – including to her! This is the definition of a positive feedback loop.

The negative feedback loop works equally well. You withdraw your attention from her, and she closes her heart. This makes her less attractive to you, so you withdraw your energy and attention further. This causes her to become bitchy and very unattractive. You then start looking at other women, which she resents and feels hurt by, so she finds ways to be passive aggressive.

And so on, until you split up.

Pleasing a woman is not difficult. In fact, it is a simple series of small steps. Give her the gift of your attention. Feel how she is feeling. Be compassionate when she is hurting. Listen a lot. Many small moves are better than one big move. Bring her a surprise gift of one flower for no reason (not a bouquet). Leave a love note on her mirror. Call her on the phone when she least expects it (not at 2 am when you're stumbling out of a bar). Dress up when you take her out, and work as hard at looking good for her as she works at looking good for you. Call her girlfriends and ask them (secretly) what she would really like. (They’ll secretly tell her that you called, which will please her.) Kiss her suddenly and passionately in an unlikely public place (standing in line for a movie, or in the aisle of a grocery store). Hold her hand when you're walking. These small gestures will please her. They let her know in many ways that you care about her. She will look for ways to please you in return.

Women often do not know what they need or want. Most of the time, they are a bundle of emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations that change from moment to moment. No wonder we don’t understand them. They are not understandable.

However, you have something that she doesn’t have: a penetrating awareness that can see through the storm going on inside of her.

This is a characteristic of masculine consciousness. It takes a little practice, but it isn’t difficult.

The next time she is being bitchy, or confused, or hormonal, or withdrawing, imagine that your consciousness is like a powerful lighthouse with a penetrating beam of light that can cut through fog. Extend this penetrating awareness deeply into her core, past what she looks like, past what she is saying, and past what she is feeling. Look into the very depths of her and ask yourself the question, “What does she really need right now?” Take whatever answer you get and act on it immediately.

She might need a big strong hug that doesn’t let her go despite her resistance. When you hold a woman strongly, she may resist at first, but don’t buy into her resistance. Keep holding her firmly. At some point, she will melt, and she may break down and cry. This is a good thing. Keep holding her through it. (This is not 100% foolproof. If she is screaming at you to let her go, take this as a sign to either lighten up or let her go and try something else. Try asking, “What do you need right now?” She may or may not know, but she’ll appreciate that you asked.)

If she’s withdrawing or angry, and you see that she needs to be loved, act like a lover and pick her up and take her to the bed and make love to her. Your penetrating consciousness is much more likely to be accurate than her protests.

However, don’t be an idiot. If what you are doing isn’t working to change her state, do something else. But don’t take your attention off of her. What she needs more than anything is your attention and your desire to please her.

When you care, you can express your concern in a thousand ways. When a woman feels cared for, she becomes generous with her energy, and she opens like a flower. The time you spend caring will return to you a thousand fold. Here’s a surprising fact: physical objects also change when you care for them. If you have houseplants, see what happens when you express your care and concern, noticing them and talking to them (out of sight of other people!). You probably already care for your automobile, and have noticed that it runs better than if you neglect it. Care for the objects in your house. Care for strangers. Care for the world. It is a powerful act that is guaranteed to create magic in your life.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Enjoy Her

©2010, Lion Goodman

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Lion Goodman is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps individuals create extraordinary success, happiness and results in their lives. He is a widely-published author, workshop leader, public speaker, and a successful businessman. He has studied and explored the realms of psychology, spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35 years. He brings these decades of learning and growth to others through his workshop, “Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California which offers men an initiation into principle-based living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love You,” which is available on his website: or

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