How to get Women
to Love You

Technique #5: Speak Truth

We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #4: Integrity Rules. Here is Technique #5:

Speak Truth

Okay guys, this is a tough one to admit: we are basically cowards. We would rather not say anything at all then tell the truth and have her get angry, or sad, or upset, or leave us. So we stuff the truth down inside and pretend it didn’t happen, or we pretend to be interested in what she’s saying, or we pretend that everything’s really okay. She knows intuitively when you are pretending, and she knows when you are withholding something. Women always know. Really. Don’t bullshit yourself into thinking that you can keep a secret. If your woman doesn't know what you’re withholding right away, she will figure it out pretty quickly.

The truth is that women are as tough as men when it comes to the truth. They might not like it in the moment, and they may cry and fuss when they hear it. It might make them sad, or mad, but they'll appreciate that the truth was spoken. Being a man of integrity means speaking the truth. This includes the outer truth of what actually happened, and your inner truth about what you think, how you feel, and what you see.

We each have our own internal truth. It often doesn’t match up with the other person’s inner truth. We have to get used to that fact. It’s uncomfortable to rub up against other people’s wounds, opinions, righteousness, preferences and sore spots. But rub we must. It’s the only way to have integrity.

Women love men who tell the truth, even when it hurts, because women love integrity more than they love feeling good. A woman wants her man to be who he is - not a malleable puppet, a people-pleaser, a charlatan, or a wuss. Live your truth, be your truth, and speak your truth, even when (especially when) it’s uncomfortable.

Okay, this is easy advice to give, but what about those really hard and nasty truths that would definitely hurt her feelings, and cause her to run out of the room screaming? “I can’t really say “Your butt has gotten so big that I'm disgusted by it,” can I? She would have a fit, and throw me out, or worse!” No, you shouldn’t say that, if you want to stay in relationship.

There are other guidelines that can help make telling the truth work. First, tell the truth about YOU – about what’s going on for you. Identify your own feelings (which women love) about whatever is going on. Stay out of blame or finger pointing. Take responsibility for what’s going on, and speak the truth with as much kindness as possible. Don't use the truth as a weapon to hurt her. Here’s the way to say it with love: “Honey, is this a good time to talk to you about something that’s uncomfortable?” (Get her assent. If it’s not a good time, make an appointment and hold it until then.) “I've been noticing that you're gaining weight, and it’s making me feel concerned about you. (Express your love and concern as a context for the conversation.) I also notice that I’m very uncomfortable even bringing up the subject because you’re sensitive about it. (Show her that you understand her feelings.) It's really important to me that you look good and feel attractive. (Speak the truth about what is important to you, but make it about her.) I feel really attracted to you when you feel and look good. (This lets her know that you have a preference, and that you want her to be attractive to you.) I know that’s what you want, too. How can I support you in slimming back down? (This is expressing your support, rather than your judgment about her.) How about if we start dieting and exercising together? (You’re offering her something she wants – more relationship time – as well as your support.)”

Yes, she will feel hurt, but she will also feel your care. She will get over the hurt, and she will appreciate your loving care and the fact that you are a man of truth. She will love you for it. The love she feels will last much longer than the hurt, which is momentary.

Many men just disappear when they’ve decided not to date a woman anymore, because they’re afraid to tell the truth. Women hate this, because they’ve been waiting in anticipation for that next call. Often, they make up excuses for your lame behavior until they suddenly realize you’re not going to call again, and that you’re just another jerk. There is a better way. Tell the truth. When you determine that you just don’t want to date her again, let her know, with care for her feelings. Here’s a few samples: “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I'm just not feeling a physical chemistry with you. So I won’t be calling you again.” Or, “It’s been fun, but I’ve gotten interested in dating another woman, so I’m going to do that.” DON’T add: “So I’ll call you, okay?” or “Talk to you later!” If it’s over, it’s over. The ultimate truth is, you’re just not that into her. So let her go – gently, gentlemanly. Don’t string her along because you’re afraid of hurting her. Better to hurt her and get it over with than draw out the hurt for weeks or months.

Speak the truth, men. It’s a skill that improves with practice. You’ll blow it sometimes, and women will get mad at you. Take it in stride, and learn to hone the skill. Next thing you know, you’ll be more in alignment with your true self, and you even start speaking the truth to yourself.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Take Care of Yourself.

©2010 Lion Goodman

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Lion Goodman is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps individuals create extraordinary success, happiness and results in their lives. He is a widely-published author, workshop leader, public speaker, and a successful businessman. He has studied and explored the realms of psychology, spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35 years. He brings these decades of learning and growth to others through his workshop, “Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California which offers men an initiation into principle-based living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love You,” which is available on his website: or

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