How to get Women
to Love You

Technique #11: Show Up

We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #10: Enjoy Her. Here is Technique #1

Show Up

Women constantly complain to each other about how their men don't show up. There are the obvious “Errors of Not Showing Up” such as when you say you will meet her somewhere and don’t arrive. There are also times when you aren’t showing up when you ARE with her. In the corporate world, they have two words for this phenomenon: Absenteeism, which is when an employee doesn’t show up for work, and Presenteeism, which is when the employee shows up physically, but remains unproductive because they haven’t shown up mentally. When you are with a woman, show up fully. The most egregious examples of NOT showing up include:

  • Being late for a date and not apologizing, or providing a lame excuse.
  • Being with her physically but your mind and attention are somewhere else: on the TV, on your own troubles, or on another woman walking by.
  • Saying you'll call and then not calling.
  • Not calling her for three days or more.
  • Not taking care of yourself and your own needs, then resenting her for the time she wants to spend with you.
  • Showing up angry, pre-occupied, depressed, or wanting to be somewhere else.

All of these actions scream at a woman “I don't care about you.” Many women will make excuses for you for awhile, because they love you. Eventually, they realize that you are really just a jerk (a man who doesn’t care about women). Either show up, or tell the truth that you're not going to show up. A woman would rather hear the truth than have you make a promise and not keep it. Women deserve your respect. All people deserve respect, but any woman who will put up with you really deserves respect.

Showing up means bringing every part you to the present moment, rather than burying the parts you would rather hide. It means being present with all of your feelings (even the bad ones), all of your attention, and all of your thoughts. It means being willing to experience anything and everything in the moment, rather than avoiding certain circumstances or interactions. It means being real, and speaking your truth.

She may not like everything you show up with, but it’s more important to be solid inside yourself than to lose yourself by trying to please her. She wants that fullness of your presence more than anything. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her. Be willing to engage in conflict (we all have our differences), but fight fair and keep loving her all the way through it.

Showing up also means cleaning up after yourself. You’re human. You make mistakes. Clean up whatever mess you made. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Just say: “I did it. I’m really sorry. I’ll do my best to not do it again. Or: “I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will make a new promise, and I will do it by this date… “ Or: “I’ll make it up to you by… (Be specific, and make it good for her).” Then, check in with her: “Does that clear it for you? Or is there something else you’re need, or something else you’re upset about?”

If you notice that you’re not showing up in a particular situation, the best thing to do is to admit it to her (she already knows anyway). Try saying, “Honey, I really want to be here with you, but I’m finding myself distracted and uncomfortable. I need to go away and take care of myself. I will come back and be with you ____ (Provide a specific time and then keep your promise.). Is there anything you need from me before I go?” This is a type of “showing up” when you can’t show up. Your honesty and integrity means a lot more to her than your “presenteeism.”

Showing up also means showing up for yourself. There is a way to care for yourself, and for your own needs, that goes beyond narcissism and egotism. If you honestly assess your own needs, wants and desires, and you dive deeply intoyour own motivations and your underlying beliefs, you will be working the soil that is necessary before you plant the seeds of your future. If you really show up for yourself, you’ll become more able to show up for her. And when you show up for her, you can count on her showing up fully for you, with all her love.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Then What?

©2010 Lion Goodman

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Lion Goodman is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps individuals create extraordinary success, happiness and results in their lives. He is a widely-published author, workshop leader, public speaker, and a successful businessman. He has studied and explored the realms of psychology, spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35 years. He brings these decades of learning and growth to others through his workshop, “Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California which offers men an initiation into principle-based living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love You,” which is available on his website: or

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