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May
Men Are From Earth
In the early 1980’s, on a spring day in San
Francisco, I wandered into the “Whole Life
Expo,” a marketplace of new-age ideas and
products. As a psychotherapist leading men’s
groups, I was drawn to a presentation promising
important new information on the psychology of men
and women. Unfortunately, this promise was not
kept. The presenter, a slight man with a thin
voice, was, to my thinking, neither a compelling
speaker nor an original thinker. His
“ideas” were repetitions of the same
tired stereotypes about women and men that I grew
up with, only he employed a marginally clever,
though not original, metaphor about us being from
different planets. I left the presentation never
imagining that these paltry ideas would form the
basis of a multi-million dollar pop-psychology
empire.
In recent columns, I have taken issue with
neo-Darwinist theories that claim evolutionary and
biological origins for all differences between
women and men. Again, not that there are no
differences between the sexes, because there
certainly are, just that these theories exaggerate
those differences and present simplistic expiations
as to their origins. For the most part, I see these
theories are junk science, in that they are
presented as if they are scientifically factual
without any real scientific evidence. Nowhere is
this clearer that with John Gray’s
pronouncements about intrinsic differences between
the sexes.
Why pick on poor John, when he is already coming
under increasing scrutiny? In doing internet
searches on his ideas, I found hundreds of writings
challenging his ideas. In fact, there are entire
web-sites devoted to debunking his claims. (see
footnotes for further information) Several people
have pointed out that his “Ph.D.“ was
awarded by an unaccredited correspondence school
that has since been forced out of business by the
courts and the State of California and his only
accredited degree is a high school diploma. He is
not licensed in any state to practice
psychotherapy, and although he claims to be a
“Certified Family Therapist” and to
belong to several professional associations, he
does not meet the certification or membership
criteria for any professional association or
license in the field. What is more disturbing, is
that, in reaching his conclusions, he conducted not
one bit of genuine research. As far as I know, he
has not published one journal article demonstrating
any kind of experimental or scientific evidence for
his ideas, as would be expected of a research
oriented psychologist. His books include no
references to any research or any sort. Nor, since
he is not a psychotherapist, could he have based
his theories on clinical experience working with
couples, as is usually the case with authors who
are clinical psychologists. I have no problem with
anyone publishing “common sense” ideas
about relationships -- But when someone represents
himself as a “Doctor” in the field of
Psychology, most people assume that he is either a
research psychologist a clinical psychologist, or
both, and, therefore the ideas have more
credibility. In the field of psychology, there is a
tradition that clinical theories and research
findings are questioned and debated. In the case of
Mr. Gray, too many psychotherapists, to the great
discredit of our profession, have simply accepted
his ideas, some even recommending his books to
their clients. Hungry to ride the coattails of his
fame, many psychotherapist have sought his
endorsement. His web-site invites therapists to
“expand your practice with the mars and venus
counseling center licensee program.” This
“licensee” program is open only to
licensed psychotherapists, so Mr. Gray could not
even enroll in his own program!
One of my colleagues, suggested that I may be
motivated by jealousy of Mr. Gray‘s success.
While I do not claim to be immune from lust for
fame and fortune, my opinions of his ideas were
formed long before he became the one man industry
that he is today. I have no personal enmity towards
him. I’m sure he is well meaning, and, some of
his ideas have helped some men be more
self-accepting. However, I strongly believe, as I
did the first day I heard him, that his regressive
“theories” are ultimately damaging to
men, to women and to relationships between women
and men. They codify, as natural, universal and
unchanging, ideas about women and men that are
really just stereotypes and generalizations.
Are men really from Mars (named after the god of
war), or so different from women that it seems as
though we are? Are we really oriented towards
problem solving and unable to listen to feelings?
Are we uncomfortable with emotion and unwilling to
talk about our feelings? Do we shun advice because
we are afraid of appearing weak or dependent? Do we
have a need to ‘”retreat to our
cave” and avoid too much intimacy with women?
Do we wish to talk about nothing but sports with
our male friends? Are these traits hard-wired into
our genes and therefore immutable? Sure, some men,
some of the time, fit any on these stereotypes.
However, in more than twenty-five years of real
clinical experience leading men’s groups and
providing psychotherapy to men, I have been blessed
to see the hearts of men, and know that we are all
far more than these stereotypes. Many of us do not
fit them at all, and already posses a great
emotional intelligence. I have seen other men, who
came into a men’s group unaware of and unable
to articulate feelings, become emotionally aware,
highly skilled communicators.
Doing clinical work and research is hard. Doing
experimental research is even harder -- I get a
headache just reading the stuff. What does it say
about how men feel and communicate:
A research study at Purdue University, by Erina
MacGeorge, "The Myth of Gender Cultures:
Similarities Outweigh Differences in Men's and
Women's Provision of and Responses to Supportive
Communication," found only small differences
between men's and women's comforting skills. "When
it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is
not only wrong, but harmful," MacGeorge says. "For
the most part, men and women use, and strongly
prefer, the same ways of comforting others -
listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful
advice. Yet books like John Gray's 'Men are From
Mars …tell men that being masculine means
dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That
isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for
either men or women."
Unlike Mr. Gray, who relies on anecdotes to
support his conclusions, MacGeorge's research is
based on questionnaires and interviews. Her
research sample was 738 people - 417 women and 321
men. In studying how people support their friends,
she found that men and women communicated in very
similar ways. "Overall, men and women were both
likely to express sympathy, share similar problems
with distressed friends or discourage their friends
from worrying," MacGeorge says. "Men did give a bit
more advice more often than women, and women were
slightly more likely to provide support by
affirming their friend or offering help. However,
men and women were only 2 percent different."
In investigating how men and women respond to
advice, she found that both men and women welcomed
advice that was relevant to their problems and was
delivered in a kind, respectful manner. MacGeorge
says, "The different cultures myth says that men
reject advice because it threatens their
independence, but this study shows that both men
and women are equally receptive to friendly and
useful advice."
In studying how men and women evaluated
comforting comments, such as "Don't worry about it,
it's not that big of a deal," or "Wow, that is
awful. I can understand why you would be upset."
There was a 3 percent difference between the sexes
regarding what kind of comforting comments they
prefer to hear. "Overall, both men and women
disliked stereotypical masculine comforting that
dismissed or made light of their problems and
preferred stereotypically feminine comforting that
validated their feelings and perspectives,"
MacGeorge says. "According to the Mars-Venus myth,
men should have preferred the tough love but, in
fact, they also value empathy and warmth."
Wow! Men value empathy and warmth?
MacGeorge’s results match my own experience in
leading and participating in men’s groups.
Most men value empathy and warmth, and, when we
find it, we are quite willing to open up and talk
about our feelings.
Some men, as MacGeorge’s study suggests,
lack skill in comforting. She says, "In earlier
studies, my colleagues and I found that men tend to
be somewhat more dismissive of others' feelings and
problems, even though both men and women dislike
this approach. This is one way in which the
Mars-Venus myth can be harmful. If we tell men that
rejecting the feelings of others is just as good,
only culturally different, then we excuse them from
becoming good support providers."
Contrary to the oft repeated slur, that men are
just insensitive, I have found that most men are or
can be good support provides. The first step is
believing that we are capable of and willing to be
supportive. Many of us already are. In men’s
groups, even men who habitually shun feeling can
quickly learn to comfort other men and validate
their feelings. All they need is some clear
feedback on how dismissing the feelings of others
is ineffective and a little coaching on effective
listening. As long as they do not feel personally
under attack, most men can be good listeners. I
have seen many men who listen and comfort far
better than many women.
However, in a relationship, when a man is in a
conflict with an intimate partner, he may believe
that he is under attack and will cease listening
and hasten to defend himself, often by dismissing
the feelings of his partner. This is not because he
does not care about his partners’ feelings or
opinions. It is because he cares so much! This is
one of the biggest and most hidden secrets of male
psychology, men are tremendously vulnerable -- more
than we would ever imagine -- to the opinions and
feelings of those we love. We want so intensely to
be loved, respected and appreciated. More than
anything, we want those we love to have a high
opinion of us. It is not our alleged unwillingness
to be vulnerable that makes intimacy difficult, it
is our tremendous vulnerability, so misunderstood
by women and, to often, ourselves.
Those suffering from the greatest lack of
understanding about male psychology, may be
psychotherapists themselves. In general,
psychotherapists portray men as unemotional,
distant, defensive and “resistant” to
psychotherapy, No wonder so many therapists
uncritically swallow the ‘Men Are From
Mars” line. No wonder so many therapists can
not work successfully with men. Confronting this
sort of bias, and lack of understanding, I sure
wouldn’t open up about my feelings.
Over the next few months, I will write more
about men’s groups, and, how to more
effectively engage in meaningful conversation with
men.
©2005, Gary
Hoeber
* * *
Psychology has a long past, but only a short
history. - Hermann Ebbinghaus
Gary
Hoeber has been working as a psychotherapist since
1976, helping a broad range of people successfully
deal with a wide variety of life challenges. He is
a leading practitioner and teacher of group
psychotherapy. An Instructor at John F. Kennedy
University since 1988, he offers classes on "The
Practice of Group Psychotherapy." His approach to
group therapy is highly interpersonal, assisting in
the development of effective communication and
relationship skills and increasing the capacity for
intimacy, friendship and community. His work with
individuals focuses less on pathology, and more on
the unfolding of one's life purpose, using a depth
psychology informed by poetry, story and mythology.
Gary is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist
and has offices in Berkeley and San Rafael,
California. garyhoeber.com
or gmhoeber@comcast.net.
Gary will also be reviewing important
new
books on
psychotherap
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