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Kathy Noll is the co-author of Taking
the Bully by the Horns. She has had her short
stories/articles published in magazines along with
interviews, helped NBC news monitor a classroom in
Philadelphia for bullying behavior, and also helped
many people with their own bully problems through
her book, educational and family related Internet
chats, message board hosting, and e-mail. She has
also spoken on radio and television shows
discussing the topics of school violence and
self-esteem. Most recently she appeared with
co-author Dr. Carter on the Montel Williams show
where they talked to kids about bullies, and
promoted their book, "Taking the Bully by the
Horns." She also works as a consultant for various
TV News & Talk Shows. Her second book,
Encounters with Every-Day
Angels, is a workbook on bullying and
character development that can be used in the
classroom. www.kathynoll.com
or Email..
Advice for Parents of Both
Victims and Bullies
Are Certain Children more
Likely to be Bullied?
Bully Advice for
Kids
Child Violence - How to
Prevent Your Child from Becoming a
Statistic
Empowering Kids to Deal
with Bullies and Low Self-esteem
Is Bullying that Big a
Deal?
Q&A About the Book
Taking the Bully by the
Horns
Should the School
Contact the Bully's Parents?
What can Schools do to
Help Stop Bullies
& Violence?
What can You do to Help
Your Child?
What can We to do about "Bus
Bullies!"
What to do About
Bullies
For
Teachers & Parents of Bullies - Some
useful Questions to Ask
Are Certain Children more
Likely to be Bullied?
Victims are usually loners. Children who appear to
be friendless can be magnets for bullies. Many
times it's how kids carry themselves. The bullies
pick up on that. They also might pick on children
who are different - mental or physical handicaps.
Girls in cliques will pick on you simply because
you don't wear your hair or clothes they way they
see fit to be cool. (Insults, Gossip, Rejection,
Spreading Rumors) Sometimes there is "no reason"
why a bully picks a certain kid to pick on. But,
the bullying leaves the victims believing there is
something wrong with themselves. The result: More
self-esteem has been shattered. (Everyone has been
bullied to some degree, whether mentally or
physically)
Bully Advice for Kids
Bullies can make you feel: Sad,
depressed, angry, vendeful, scared, confused.
How a Bully Becomes a Bully
- He is angry.
- Someone might have bullied him in the
past.
- He has a low self-esteem. He thinks
controlling you will help him feel better about
himself.
- He might have been exposed to a lot of
violence in the media. (TV, books...) A lot of
movies make violence look cool. But if you look
closer, the "good guy" is always cooler!
- His caretakers might have lacked in
supervision. They might have been too busy to
teach him how wrong it is to hurt others. Or
maybe they spoiled him, making him think he can
do anything he wants, including bullying!
Is Bullying that Big a
Deal?
Recent statistics show that:
- 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
- 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or
doing some "Bullying."
- 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month
for fear of Bullies.
- 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at
school.
- 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
- 28% of youths who carry weapons have
witnessed violence at home.
- A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they
think violence increased at their schools.
- 282,000 students are physically attacked in
secondary schools each month.
- More youth violence occurs on school grounds
as opposed to on the way to school.
- 80% of the time, an argument with a bully
will end up in a physical fight.
- 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard
another student threaten to kill someone.
- 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a
gun to school.
- 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb,
or know where to get the info. to do it.
- Almost half of all students say they know
another student who's capable of murder.
- Playground statistics - Every 7 minutes a
child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer
intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%
Most Recent Bureau of Justice Statistics -
School Crime & Safety
- 1/3 of students in grades 9-12 reported that
someone sold or offered them an illegal drug on
school property.
- 46% of males, and 26% of females reported
they had been in physical fights.
- Those in the lower grades reported being in
twice as many fights as those in the higher
grades. However, there is a lower rate of
serious violent crimes in the elementary level
than in the middle or high schools.
- Teachers are also assaulted, robbed &
bullied. 84 crimes per 1,000 teachers per
year.
Empowering Kids to
Deal with Bullies and Low Self-esteem
Did you know that 23% of 9th graders have carried a
weapon to school recently? According to the US
Justice Department, one out of three kids will be
offered or sold drugs at school while one out of
four kids is bullied either mentally or physically
every day. Do we really know what happens to our
kids when they leave the safety of our homes to go
to school?
Unfortunately, bullying and child violence have
become quite common themes in every school across
the country, and outside the US as well.
Dr. Jay Carter and myself have written a book,
and run a web site, that helps parents, teachers,
and kids learn the skills they need to deal with
bullies and low self-esteem. On this journey, we've
encountered many sad stories that are all too
real.
One that really stands out in my mind, and
heart, is in the form of a letter written by a
woman in IL. She starts out by thanking me for
writing my book and wishing she would've had it for
her son, Ricky, 5 years earlier.
Ricky was tormented every day at school by his
"bullies." He was an asthmatic, and continually his
classmates would take his inhaler medication from
him to spray on themselves, in the air -
essentially wasting it. This went on until one cold
day in December, 1994, that has left his mother
devastated. Ricky was found dead at school. He died
of an asthma attack. His inhaler, found empty.
This is only one of many depressing stories.
We've all had bad experiences to some degree that
seem to be too close to home. But what can we
do?
One of the things that Dr. Carter and myself did
to bring awareness was in collaboration with NBC10
News out of Philadelphia. At a local middle school,
we hid 5 cameras in a classroom of 8th graders.
Only one child, Jonathan, was in on our "sting"
operation. He played the role of a bully while
wearing a wire microphone. We then hid in a nearby
classroom and monitored his classmates reactions as
he proceeded to harass them. He harassed them with
the arrogance that only a bully knows. We had him
making fun of people, pushing and shoving, and
giving off a real "I'm the only all important one"
attitude!
The reactions varied as you can imagine. They
were about as different as every child's
personality. Some moved out of his way, timid and
frightened, while others stood up for themselves
screaming, "Get some manners!" One girl smacked him
in the forehead! But we were also touched by the
concern of many. We listened as they approached the
teacher and expressed concern for Jonathan's
behavior. They felt he must really be hurting
inside to be taking out so much frustration on
them.
Bullies really do have low self-esteem. If there
is something about themselves they don't like, they
feel that by putting you down, and teasing you,
they are distracting from their own problems.
Bullies are also angry. Most likely they were also
bullied at some point. We call this the "Bully
Cycle." Also in question would be the negative
influence of peers, caretakers who may have abused
or enabled them, and exposure to violence in the
media.
What can the victim do about his/her bully? Try
confronting them and telling them how they are
making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many
situations ignoring has the best results. If the
bully no longer gets a reaction out of you, he/she
will usually move on. It is no longer any fun. But
what about the bully who is very abusive or
violent? Make sure the school knows what is going
on, and if they are unwilling to get involved, you
need to contact the bully's parents. This type of
bully should be avoided at all costs. Traveling to
school in a group, and staying away from empty
buildings are other wise options.
I'm sure you'll all agree that both the victims
and bullies need help and support. Teach them that
their actions have consequences. Instill in them
the Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem.
Focus on the problem. Attack the problem, not the
person. Listen with an open mind. Treat a person's
feelings with respect. And finally - Take
responsibility for your actions.
Let's all do our part to help prevent the
children of our future from becoming
"statistics."
What to do About Bullies
Inform your parents and teachers.
- Travel to school and social events in
groups. Don't walk alone. Avoid the bully at all
costs.
- Ignore him. That will take away his power he
"thinks" he has over you. He'll get bored, and
go look for someone else to pick on.
- Confront him with the problem. Do this only
if the bullying is mental, not physical. Maybe
you can explain how it makes you feel. If he
doesn't care, and continues to bully you, report
him, and avoid him.
- Take a safety training workshop. This should
only be used as a last resort (in self defense).
Using this to show off for your friends, or
simply because someone made you angry, could
lead to law suits, and YOU becoming a
bully!
I hope this information helps you. Take care of
yourselves & stay safe.
Child Violence - How to
Prevent Your Child from Becoming a
Statistic
Did you know that over 6 million boys and 4 million
girls are involved in fights every year on school
grounds? Many are physically threatened while a
large number of students are also robbed.
Bullying has become a very serious "Hot" topic
today. It's been in the news, and the theme of
several talk shows in the past year. The problem
has been around for as long as people have been
around, but it's only been recently that we've
become aware enough to do something about it.
Mental and physical signs for parents to look
for to find out if their child is being bullied
include: Cuts, bruises, torn clothing, headaches
and/or stomach pains before it's time to go to
school, or a reluctance to go to school, poor
appetites, poor grades, decline/withdrawal from
usual activities, anxiety, not many friends, always
loses money, depression, fear, anger, nervousness,
and relates better to adults and teachers than
children.
It also helps to understand the different types
of abuse the bully can inflict. This can vary from
physical (juvenile violence) to verbal, and include
mental control tactics. (Crushing your
self-esteem).
The bully's pattern of physical abuse might
include: pushing, tripping, slapping, hitting,
wrestling, choking, kicking, biting, stealing, and
breaking things. (80% of the time bullying becomes
physical).
The bully's pattern of verbal abuse might
include: twisting your words around, judging you
unfairly, missing the point, passing blame,
bossing, making you self-conscious, embarrassing
you, making you cry, confusing you, and making you
feel small so he/she can feel big.
Children between the ages of 5-11 begin using
verbal abuse, and are capable of some physical
abuse such as fist fighting, kicking, and choking.
However, once a child reaches the age of 12,
psychological changes take place and the bullying
becomes more violent. This might include the use of
weapons and sexual abuse.
Murder between children was up 35% in 1997.
Today's 3, 4, and 5 year-olds could grow up to be a
generation of serial killers. Some signs to watch
for in younger children include setting fires, and
torturing animals.
Usually bullies come from middle-income families
that do not monitor their activities. The parents
of bullies are either extremely tolerant and
permissive, and allow them to get away with
everything, or physically aggressive and
abusive.
However, the parents are not always the cause.
There are many very loving and caring parents who
do not understand what went wrong.
Other reasons why kids slip into their "bully
suits" might include violence on tv/movies, and the
influence of "bully" friends.
You can't watch your child while he/she is at
school, so there is the possibility of him/her
hanging out with a child (or children) of negative
influence. Sometimes kids admire bullies for their
strength, or befriend them so as to stay on their
good side!
So if you're a wonderful parent knocking
yourself for what you did wrong, understand what a
strong influence other peers can have on your
child.
Bullies need to be in control of situations, and
enjoy (gain power from) inflicting injury on
others. They are not committed to their school work
or teachers and may also show a lack of respect
towards their families. Usually bigger and stronger
than other children their own age, bullies believe
that their anger and violent behavior is justified.
They see threats where none exist out of paranoia,
or fear of facing reality.
The bully might lash out at people because he's
(or she's) angry about something. Maybe someone in
his life is bullying him. He could be hurting from
abuse he received in the past, or maybe he grew up
observing those around him using violence as a
means of settling differences.
Sometimes jealousy is the culprit. He needs to
feel better about himself in order to change, and
to stop bullying.
Or, in a worse case scenario, he might actually
be a sociopath, in which case he/she would need to
get professional help.
What can parents do to prevent their children
from getting bullied? Tell your children to walk or
play with friends, not alone, and to avoid alleys
and empty buildings, especially after dark. Make a
list with the child as to where they are allowed to
go, and places/phone numbers where they can get
help.
Know your child's friends and make sure that
everyone understands your view of teasing and
violence. Maintain a trusting, open communication
with your child while teaching him/her to be both
strong and kind.
If your child is a victim, he needs to know that
he's ok, and not the one with the problem. Have him
tell his school guidance counselor the name of the
bully who is victimizing him. Or you might try
talking to the principal or his teachers directly.
And if you know the parents of the bully, you might
try confronting them as well. However, there's a
good chance they'll either be in denial, or be as
unconcerned as their child.
If physical abuse is the problem, and you're
afraid of angering the bully (revenge), tell the
teacher, or whomever, not to pass on your or your
child's name while settling the situation unless
it's absolutely necessary. There's a good chance
he's victimizing other children as well, and won't
need to know exactly who busted him.
Children who use violence to resolve conflicts,
grow up to be adults who use violence to resolve
conflicts. However, if a child is backed up against
a wall, or into a corner, then he obviously needs
to defend himself and should not stand there while
getting pounded. He could walk (or run) away. But
in order to escape conflict in the first place, the
child should ignore, or avoid the bully. Don't play
with (or for older kids "hang out" with) the
bullies, and don't play or hang out "near" them.
Teach your child to only fight back if he/she
*needs* to defend himself - - as a last resort.
Young people need to believe in themselves in
order to feel better. (self-esteem) Not by winning
a fight, or even being part of a fight that he/she
didn't initiate. In order to be a strong person,
you have to learn what to say at the right time,
and believe in what you are saying. ("I won't fight
you because it is wrong" or "This isn't what
friendship is about") Walking away from the fight,
knowing you are the *better* person, is a lot
healthier for the body and mind.
If verbal abuse is the problem, your child could
try confronting the bully himself. Get him alone.
Bullies like to show off by embarrassing you in
front of a group of people. They might not be so
tough without a crowd. Tell your child to be firm,
stick up for himself, and tell the bully, "I don't
like what you're doing to me, and I want you to
stop."
If the child is old enough to reason, have him
tell the bully how it feels to be bullied. Don't
stress what the bully did, or the accusations might
make him defensive. Then he'd be less likely to
listen. If he's willing to listen at all, he might
be willing to change. However, if he's unwilling to
listen and starts getting nasty, your child is
better off staying away from him, or ignoring him.
But if his verbal abuse turns into threats, notify
someone in authority.
Sometimes having things/property stolen
victimizes a child. Putting your child's name on
everything is an important thing to do. This means
each and every crayon! It also helps to not allow
him/her to take things of any major importance or
value to school. Again, if nothing else works, have
the bully reported.
For the past 10 years child on child violence
has been increasing. Physical abuse, sexual
harassment and robbery have driven many victims to
substance abuse or suicide.
Q&A About the Book
Taking the Bully by the Horns
1. Why was "Taking the Bully by the Horns"
written?
There is a great need for information on bullies
now as a lot of children are having problems. I
know this because I receive a lot of mail asking
for help from parents, children and educators.
Also, our book was written right before all the
school shootings and bomb threats began so there is
a definite NEED for it.
2. How did Dr. Carter become your
co-author?
My book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" is the
children's version of Dr. Jay Carter's best-selling
book, "Nasty People." Dr. Carter asked me to write
this book because he had liked my short stories
that I wrote for children. He had placed an ad in
the newspaper for a co-author and said he picked me
over 50 other authors who submitted writing samples
because he felt I had a way with talking to
kids.
3. How does his influence affect the
book?
Jay Carter is a psychologist and owner of the
Center for Self-esteem & Carter Counseling. Our
book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" is largely
about self-esteem and self-help because of his
influence. The book not only teaches kids how to
handle bullies, but also shows kids how they can
improve their self-esteem and feel good about
themselves. This will help them grow into healthy,
strong adults.
4. Who is the book intended to help?
Educators are helped by using "Taking the Bully
by the Horns" to control their school's bullies and
also to help their school's victims. Teachers &
parents are helped by reading the book to their
children or having them read it themselves. And
children/young adults are helped - both victims AND
bullies. The victims will learn how to handle
bullies and where to get help. The bullies will
learn how their negative actions are affecting
people and how to change their behavior. Both are
helped with self-esteem as well which is very
important when dealing with these issues.
5. How can we order your books &
videos?
There is info. available at our web site:
www.kathynoll.com
or, to order our four videos and books by mail,
please send $12.95 each plus $3.95 S/H to: Kathy
Noll, 3300 Chestnut St., Reading, PA 19605 Thank
you. Schools may use purchase orders. Discounts are
available for orders of 20 or more items for
workshops/Dr. Carter's programs/classroom use.
6. Define Bullying; what does it consist
of?
Bullying consists of ongoing threats, physical
attacks, words, gestures, or social exclusion
directed at a student or students by a student or
group of students who are older, bigger, or more
powerful. Besides physical bullying, there is also
verbal bullying and mental bullying which may
include: teasing, swearing, put downs, gossiping,
twisting your words around, judging you unfairly,
making you self-conscious, passing blame, bossing,
embarrassing you in front of a group, making you
cry. The bully will try to "control" by making you
feel small so he/she can feel big.
7. What are the statistics on children being
bullied?
According to the US Dept. of Justice: 1 out of 4
children are being bullied. 83% fear harassment in
the bathroom. Over 100,000 kids have carried guns
to school. More statistics are available at our web
site.
8. If a child is hit, should he/she strike
back to defend him/herself?
In my book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" we
call this the "bully cycle." Bullies create more
bullies. This is no good. The cycle needs to stop
somewhere. If the child had tried confronting the
bully or talking out the situation peacefully to no
avail and was backed up against a wall so that
he/she couldn't walk or run away and actually
needed to defend himself/herself, that is a
different story (worse case senario). But when
we're talking about teasing or verbal abuse, tell
your child, "You don't need to listen to that.
You're better than that. Just walk away."
9. What sort of feedback have you gotten from
those who read your book?
Those who have shared "Taking the Bully by the
Horns" with their children/students tell me the
children feel stronger after reading it. They also
understand bullying behavior better, and improved
their self-esteem. One handicapped boy touched me
when he told me he read my book Christmas day when
he received it. He didn't put it down until he was
finished and said it was the best book he ever read
and that it made him feel a lot better about
himself.
10. How are schools using your books?
Schools/Teachers need to be aware of conflicts
and to not be afraid to get involved. Start your
own "peace" programs. One example would be students
in Hillsboro H.S. in Nashville, Tenn., who created
the "I will pledge" and urge fellow students to
sign the pledge not to mock or bully others who
dress, act, look, or talk differently. Teachers are
also using, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" for
role playing in the classrooms. Since I believe in
my book, and the help it's been giving children, I
suggest reading it aloud to the group. The book is
written in first person, so you will be addressing
them, and speaking directly to them. This way, you
can teach them the skills they need to handle
bullies and feel good about themselves
(self-esteem/life skills). I ask questions in both
my bullying books, and you can pause to get their
opinions. I also added a bit of humor so it will be
enjoyable for them AND they will learn something.
Then, you could try some role playing, where they
take turns acting out situations where they play
both bullies and victims. This will show them how
it "feels" and give them ideas on what to do to
help themselves and others.
11. What information does your web site
provide?
Articles (which may be used and printed out),
advice and statistics for educators, parents and
children. Also, information on Dr. Carter, myself
and also on our books & other items- including
how to order. I am constantly adding more helpful
info. as I find/research it and as we publish new
books.
12. How does a bully become a bully?
He (or she) may be angry at problems he's having
in his own life and is looking for people to use as
punching bags. It could also be a learned behavior
from being bullied at home by family members.
Another reason we hear a lot about is the influence
of violence in the media. But the major reason is
that they really have a low self-esteem. They make
look high and mighty but that is arrogance. Don't
mistake arrogance for a high self-esteem. If
someone truly has a good self-esteem they would not
feel the need to control others.
13. What signs can we look for to know if a
child has become a bully?
Damaging property, setting fires, torturing
animals, violent rage/outbursts/tantrums, angry at
everyone/everything, was bullied himself/herself
(in my book we call this the "Bully Cycle"), lack
of respect for others, a controller, lack of
remorse...
14. What are useful questions you can ask a
bully?
What did you do? Why was that a bad thing to do?
Who did you hurt? What were you trying to
accomplish? Next time you have that goal, how will
you meet it without hurting anybody? How will you
help the person you hurt? These questions will help
them to: Acknowledge their own actions and the
consequences they have on themselves and others,
develop shame and guilt ("I don't want to go
through that again" & "I hurt someone"), change
their actions to stay out of trouble, and learn to
trust and form relationships with helping
adults.
15. What are the signs to look for to know if
a child is a victim of a bully?
A change in behavior, such as suffering a lack
of concentration and/or becoming withdrawn,
excessively clingy, depressed, fearful, emotionally
up and down. Happy at the weekend but not during
the week. A drop in performance in school or at
work. Physical signs: stomach aches, headaches,
sleep difficulties, bruising, torn clothing,
bingeing on food, cigarettes, alcohol...
16. What can kids do to deal with
bullies?
We offer many suggestions depending on the
situation. One thing to do for verbal bullying is
ignore them. Bullies feel the need to "control."
They want to get a reaction (anger/tears) out of
you. If they don't get this, it won't be any fun
for them and they'll become bored and give up.
17. What about a child "confronting" a
bully?
We suggest confronting the bully only if the
bully is not physically violent. This is only
suggested if the bullying is verbal. Therefore the
bully should be confronted and questioned as to why
he is doing this. "Why are you saying these things
to me?" "Why are you trying to hurt me; I've never
done anything to you." If the bully sees his
"victim" is actually a respectable thinking,
feeling human being, he may not think of him
anymore as his door mat. The bully doesn't always
have a reason for bullying a particular child so
when asked why he is doing what he is doing, it may
stump him. It may actually make him think. This is
just one idea to try. It is also good to stand your
ground with a bully. To be strong but kind. You
need to show that you respect yourself, you are
strong, and are not interested in playing the
bully's games. The bully is more prone to go for
those who look weak, have poor social skills, hold
their heads down, speak without confidence
etc....the bully sees them as easier to
control.
18. What can parents do if they think their
child is being bullied?
You *know* there is a problem. The first step is
to get your child to admit there is a problem.
He/she may be too embarrassed or scared, and might
deny it. They need to know they can trust you and
look to you for help. (Encourage them) First give
them this option: They might want to settle the
situation themselves before getting you involved
(you calling the school or bully's parents). You
might try giving them some ideas. For example: If
your child is getting bullied because of poor
social skills - his shoes are always untied, he
walks with his head down, shoulders slouched,
avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean
hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose -
You can help him/her by teaching them better social
skills. You also might try a type of role-playing
to see how your child acts around other kids. This
gives you the opportunity to help your child work
out acceptable responses. (especially if he/she is
being bullied verbally) Allow your children to
confide in you and listen with an open mind. The
victims must first admit on their own that there is
a problem. Allowing children to handle it
themselves will help with their self-esteem. If the
bullying is physically dangerous, or the victims
want the parents to get involved, the parents
should make sure both the school and the parents of
the bullies are notified of the situation. They can
also provide a safe means of transport to and from
school or suggest their child walk in a group,
never alone.
19. What is the difference between the boy
bully and the girl bully?
They are the same in many ways. However girls
are prone to specifically bully through gossip,
ostracizing, and forming "cliques." Girls and boys
both use teasing and verbal abuse; however, the
boys are more prone to use physical violence. 80%
of the time an argument with a bully will end up in
a physical fight.
20. What is the best way to approach kids who
have been victimized?
Don't question victims intently or ask anything
that might make them feel that they have done
something wrong. Broach the subject obliquely,
giving them the option to talk about it or not. Let
them know that you are willing to listen at any
time. When they start to talk, listen carefully to
what they have to say. Once they begin to discuss
the bullying, it may seem to be all they can talk
about. Be patient and let them go on - it's better
for them to let it all out than to bottle it up.
Don't overreact - victims need rational advice and
help, not emotional overload. Believe the victim
and not any authority figure who may dismiss the
claims of bullying simply as "part of growing up"
or "part of the rough and tumble of life." ("Boys
will be boys") No one should have to put up with
bullying. Ask victims if they have any suggestions
about changing the situation. Seek advice from an
individual or a support group with experience in
this area. (Dr. Carter's presentations cover these
areas.) Keep an eye on the victim. If they threaten
suicide, take this very seriously and obtain
professional help immediately.
21. Does an individual set himself/herself up
as a victim?
You never tell the victim "it's their fault"
when a bully bullies them. The bully is the one
with the problem. The victim needs to know he's OK
and did not cause this. However there are certain
kids who are more likely to be bullied. For
example: those with poor social skills. You could
reduce your chances of being bullied by walking
straight and tall, shoulders back/head held high,
making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly,
assuming an air of confidence with yourself and
your surroundings.
22. What can parents do to prevent their
children from getting bullied?
Parents really need to get more involved in
their children's lives. That way they will be more
sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty.
Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus
on understanding. Allow children to express how
they feel, and treat a child's feelings with
respect. Set a good example by showing them a
healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking
things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them
when you see them using these positive skills to
settle a difference. Teach them to identify "the
problem", and focus on the problem, "not" attacking
"the person." Tell them conflicts are a way of
life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally,
teaching them to take responsibility for their own
actions will make for a healthier child, a
healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need
for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.
23. What are your local schools doing to
lessen the problem of bullying?
Our local schools participated in Berks County's
Annual Week Without Violence. One program included,
"Hands Around Violence." Students made paper cut
outs of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent
messages on them. For example, "I will not use my
hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands"
will serve as a visual reminder that together they
can make a difference. Other activities included a
white out, where students wore as much white as
possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where
students wore their school colors, and a smile day,
where each student received a smile card and handed
that card over to the first person to smile at
them.
24. What can we all do to help prevent
bullying?
It's all about talking it out: Child to Child
(Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's),
Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to
Child (at home). There should be town meetings
involving the parents, students, and entire school
faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The
teachers should also allow the students to give
"their" ideas on how they would like situations
handled. For younger students, role playing of
"victims" and "bullies" in the classroom will help
them understand the cause and effect - how it
feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked
on could be to have an older student assigned as a
type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would
step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups
have also been created where victims and their
parents can meet with other victims and discuss
solutions. It's comforting to know you're not
alone, and friendships can be made there.
25. Any other ideas of anti-bully programs
that have been put into action?
The schools can also pass out questionnaires,
and do surveys or polls to find out what students
and parents think about what is happening and what
they would like to see done. Some teachers have
told me that their schools put up a peace flag
outside on days when there is no conflict in the
school. This promotes a pride in the school, and
teaches them that even one person's actions can
have consequences that affect everyone. Other
schools are using posters, and having the students
wear certain colors on certain days.
26. How are schools using "peer mediation" to
combat bullying?
In mediation, trained students help their
classmates identify the problems behind the
conflicts and to find solutions. Peer mediation is
not about finding who is right or wrong. Instead,
students are encouraged to move beyond the
immediate conflict and learn how to get along with
each other - an important skill in today's world.
Peer mediators ask the disputing students to tell
their stories and ask questions for clarification.
The mediators help the students identify ways to
solve the conflict. Mediation Steps: Agree upon the
ground rules. Each student tells his/her story.
Verify the stories. Discuss the stories. Generate
solutions. Discuss solutions. Select a solution.
Sign a contract. Participants should be willing to:
Solve the problem. Tell the truth. Listen without
interrupting. Be respectful. Take responsibility
for carrying out the agreement. Keep the situation
confidential.
27. Anything else you'd like to add?
Many schools admit that the lockers are the most
common place that bullying takes place. Teachers
could take turns standing by these lockers during
class changes. Another great idea schools are using
is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces
while asking the students, "How does this person
feel?" This promotes a discussion aimed at helping
kids to identify and describe emotions. And for
teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful
situations can be used to promote discussion &
ideas for resolution.
Brainstorm with students a list of fact-based
questions they have about bullying. Students might
want to know, for example, the percentage of
students who are bullied, the percentage of
suicides that are blamed on bullying, the number of
incidents of school violence that are the result of
bullying, the percentage of bullies who commit
violent crimes as adults, the percentage of schools
that have anti-bully programs, and so on. Select
five to ten of the most important questions,
arrange students in pairs or small groups, and ask
each group to research print or online resources to
find the answer to its assigned question. Combine
the questions into a quiz, either online or in
print, and invite students to take the quiz. I will
continue to add more ideas to my web site as to
what other schools are doing to stop
bullies.
What
can You do to Help Your Child?
You "know" there is a problem. The first step is to
get your child to admit there is a problem. He/she
may be too embarrassed or scared, and might deny
it. They need to know they can trust you and look
to you for help. (Encourage them) First give them
this option: They might want to settle the
situation themselves before getting you involved
(you calling the school or bully's parents). You
might try giving them some ideas. For example: If
your child is getting bullied because of poor
social skills - his shoes are always untied, he
walks with his head down, shoulders slouched,
avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean
hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose -
You can help him/her by teaching them better social
skills. You also might try a type of role-playing
to see how your child acts around other kids. This
gives you the opportunity to help your child work
out acceptable responses. (especially if he/she is
being bullied verbally)
Should the School Contact
the Bully's Parents?
The school should first try to settle the matter
since it occurred on their grounds while the
children were their responsibility. But,
unfortunately there are some schools who don't want
to get involved outside of teaching the children.
Many parents have written to me about
school's/administrators who simply disregarded
their bully incidents. Many parents are now seeking
legal action.
On the other side - there are teachers/schools
who contact the parents to address the problem, but
the parents are in denial that their child could
ever be a "bully," they don't believe it, and point
a finger at the teacher accusing him/her of picking
on their child. Everyone needs to work together on
solving these problems.
What can Schools do to
Help Stop Bullies & Violence?
It's all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer
Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's),
Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to
Child (at home). There should be town meetings
involving the parents, students, and entire school
faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The
teachers should also allow the students to give
"their" ideas on how they would like situations
handled. For younger students, role playing of
"victims" and "bullies" in the classroom will help
them understand the cause and effect - how it
feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked
on could be to have an older student assigned as a
type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would
step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups
have also been created where victims and their
parents can meet with other victims and discuss
solutions. It's comforting to know you're not
alone, and friendships can be made there.
Many schools admit that the lockers are the most
common place that bullying takes place. Teachers
could take turns standing by these lockers during
class changes.
The schools can also pass out questionnaires,
and do surveys or polls to find out what students
and parents think about what is happening and what
they would like to see done. Some teachers have
told me that their schools put up a peace flag
outside on days when there is no conflict in the
school. This promotes a pride in the school, and
teaches them that even one person's actions can
have consequences that affect everyone. Other
schools are using posters, and having the students
wear certain colors on certain days.
Teachers are also using, "Taking the Bully by
the Horns" for role playing in the classrooms.
Since I believe in my book, and the help it's been
giving children, I suggest reading it aloud to the
group. The book is written in first person, so you
will be addressing them, and speaking directly to
them. This way, you can teach them the skills they
need to handle bullies and feel good about
themselves (self-esteem/life skills). I ask
questions in the book, and you can pause to get
their opinions. I also added a bit of humor so it
will be enjoyable for them AND they will learn
something. Then, you could try some role playing,
where they take turns acting out situations where
they play both bullies and victims. This will show
them how it "feels" and give them ideas on what to
do to help themselves and others.
Our local schools participated in Berks County's
Annual Week Without Violence. One program included,
"Hands Around Violence." Students made paper
cutouts of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent
messages on them. For example, "I will not use my
hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands"
will serve as a visual reminder that together they
can make a difference.
Other activities included a white out, where
students wore as much white as possible to
symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore
their school colors, and a smile day, where each
student received a smile card and handed that card
over to the first person to smile at them.
Another great idea schools are using is to have
teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while
asking the students, "How does this person feel?"
This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to
identify and describe emotions. And for teens,
pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can
be used to promote discussion & ideas for
resolution.
Let kids know it's OK to talk about problems;
that parents and teachers are willing to listen,
and eager to help. Also, if your kids/students are
"bystanders" to their friends, or other kids being
bullied, tell them how important it is for them to
help these kids by reporting it. If they are
afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the
teachers not to use their name when confronting the
bully.
The anonymous tip was only suggested for those
victims who feared revenge from the bully in the
form of physical abuse for their "snitching." Yes,
in many cases the name of the victim would have to
be given in order for the conflict to be directly
approached. A bully being accused of attacking a
"nameless" child might try to talk his way out of
it. But if a name is used in relating to a
particular incident with a specific child, and if
there was proof, or witnesses, it's harder to
deny.
Advice for Parents of
Both Victims and Bullies
Parents really need to get more involved in their
children's lives. That way they will be more
sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty.
Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus
on understanding. Allow children to express how
they feel, and treat a child's feelings with
respect. Set a good example by showing them a
healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking
things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them
when you see them using these positive skills to
settle a difference. Teach them to identify "the
problem", and focus on the problem, "not" attacking
"the person." Tell them conflicts are a way of
life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally,
teaching them to take responsibility for their own
actions will make for a healthier child, a
healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need
for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.
What can We to do about "Bus
Bullies!"
There are many different things that could be tried
in this situation.Ideas for what your kids can do
include three options: *confront *ignore *avoid
They should be used in that order except if the
bullies are physically violent, then "avoid" is the
safest choice.
There are many things your child could say back
to the bullies:
"Name calling isn't cool"
"I don't want to fight. Can't we be friends
instead?"
"Why are you mad at me? I never hurt you."
Bullies usually like the effect they get when
they shock or hurt someone. Maybe if your child
just laughed it off, like they are joking, they
would get tired of calling him/her names and it
wouldn't seem fun (or effective) anymore.
If it keeps up, and nothing your child says
helps, and ignoring and avoiding don't work AND the
school won't get involved, then you will have to
contact the parents of the "name callers."
Bullies don't always have a reason for who they
pick on or why, but when they *do* have a reason,
it usually results in them singling out a smaller
person. This would include kids who are not as
tall, and most definitely would include younger
kids, who obviously would be smaller. This makes
you easier to control. And today there are a lot of
cases of older kids picking on younger kids on the
school buses.
In those cases, I recommend sitting far away
from the bully. If the seats are assigned, ask to
have them changed. If they are not assigned, ask to
have them assigned. If that doesn't work, inform
the school and ask the bus driver to get involved.
Some bus drivers are asked by the school to
intervene. They do this by having the trouble kids
sit up front where they can keep a good eye on them
in the mirror. However, the bus driver has a job to
do which requires the safety of many lives, so if
the bullying gets so bad that he/she has to keep
turning around or yelling at kids all the time, the
perpetrators should be suspended from the bus for
the safety of all.
For Teachers
& Parents of Bullies - Some useful
Questions to Ask
- What did you do?
- Why was that a bad thing to do?
- Who did you hurt?
- What were you trying to accomplish?
- Next time you have that goal, how will you
meet it without hurting anybody?
- How will you help the person you hurt?
These questions will help them to: Acknowledge
their own actions and the consequences they have on
themselves and others, develop shame and guilt ("I
don't want to go through that again" & "I hurt
someone"), change their actions to stay out of
trouble, and learn to trust and form relationships
with helping adults.
©2012 Kathy Noll
* * *
In violence, we forget who we are. - Mary
McCarthy
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