Why Men Make Better Housewives Part 3

The third advantage you will find you have over your wife when it comes to taking care of your babies is your ability to withstand the unpleasant noise of crying for longer periods of time. When your child is first born, your wife will discover that the cry of a baby—any baby—has a disturbing effect on her. She will leak. God designed women so well that they don’t have to think about making milk. (By the way, making milk is what breasts are made for, regardless of what beer commercials might claim. The fun they bring us is just an added benefit.) The sound of a wailing infant will get those milk factories working overtime. They know their job is to feed that baby and shut it up. Only after there is silence or they are drained dry by a thirsty suckler will they slow production.

If no baby is quickly attached to a breast in Milk Making Mode, it will reach capacity and overflow onto whatever is nearby. This is usually a blouse. This often happens in public. Women call this “leaking”. Stupid men call this hysterical. Smart men tell their wives that no one can even notice the enormous wet stains on the front of her silk blouse and that the dirty sweatshirt she is wearing over it matches just fine.

Men don’t have that problem (which is another advantage of just being a man.) Baby cries. Our nipples don’t react in the slightest. This freedom allows us to A) continue working on the engine or the dinner that the unhappy baby attempted to interrupt, and B) not worry that the shirt we wear out in public will show two big stains on our chest at inopportune times.

Crying is the only way for Baby to communicate what she wants, whether it’s food, a clean diaper, or a different channel. Because men are not saddled with the discomfort of leaking breasts, we have less to distract us from understanding which cry asks for each thing. And you just won’t get all wet while you figure it out, like your wife will.

Your ability to ignore a baby’s cries should not be mishandled, however. If the baby is crying, make him stop! Even if you haven’t learned her language, try everything until you reach silence. Remember in the movie, “Babe”, when Farmer Hoggett dances to make the pig get better? If that’s what it takes, do it.

I have an uncle who equates a crying baby with a healthy baby.

“What are you saying, little guy?” he asks as the infant’s wailing echoes through the house. “What do you have to say to the world?”

He is not allowed to hold our kids anymore.

©2008, Mark Phillips

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 Women, it's true, make human beings, but only men can make men. - Margaret Mead

Mark Phillips is a Stay-At-Home-Dad and freelance writer. Along with raising his four children, he is developing a franchise called “The Vacuum IS a Power Tool.” It is designed to help SAHDs maintain that which makes us men, instead of hairy Mom-substitutes. He earned a B.S. in Communication/Theatre Arts and teaching certificates in English, public speaking, and psychology from Eastern Michigan University. After six years as a high school English teacher and Director of Dramatic Arts at Powers Catholic High School in Flint, Michigan, he changed careers and became a Stay-At-Home-Dad. or E-Mail

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