|
March
When a man is a victim of partner abuse
The US Dept. of Justice says there about 840,00
male victims of domestic violence each year.
These are just the men we know about. If
there’s anything I’ve learned in 10 years
of advocacy for unserved victims of partner abuse,
it’s that men don’t tell. Some men even
think that being abused is the price they have to
pay for living with a beautiful/wonderful/sexy
women.
Nobody really knows how many men are being
abused by their wives or girlfriends. The numbers
of victims don’t actually matter; what matters
is that men are being abused every day, and
it’s no joke. Despite the popular presumption
that men should somehow be able to
“control” the woman in their lives, and
if they can’t, then they deserve what they
get, the fact is that today a man who tries to
defend himself is more likely than not to end up in
jail.
Several decades of awareness campaigns devoted
to shedding light on the issue of battered women
have resulted in laws that have tipped the scales
so far that not only do male victims have little or
no legal recourse, abusive women have learned to
take advantage of these women-friendly laws and
public policies as an aspect of their abusive
behaviors.
So what can a man do, when the behavior of his
significant other is either violent, abusive, or
both?
Because the few objective researchers into the
matter have recognized partner abuse as a
multi-faceted problem, with a number of causes and
origins, there are no easy answers. There are,
however, a few things you can do on your own to
help not only yourself, but your partner as
well.
Probably the most important thing to recognize
is that not all situations are alike. Not only is
there no single cause for partner abuse, abusive
people – male or female – do not all
follow the same pattern. There is no supportable
evidence for the idea that domestic violence is
always a deliberate choice; neither does it always
progress in severity.
First, try to look to the cause. It’s
possible that some women just don’t realize
what they’re doing.
Maybe they’ve been brought up in the kind
of an environment where this kind of behavior is
considered usual. Some people live their entire
lives in an atmosphere of mutual combat on a
regular basis – we’re talking about
long-term marriages of many years. If that’s
the kind of family she had growing up, perhaps
she’d be willing to get some counseling, if
she knows she’s causing harm to her husband or
children.
Is there a medical problem? If a woman who has
been congenial and serene suddenly becomes angry or
violent, there’s a possibility that a visit to
a doctor could be helpful. There are a number of
conditions and diseases that can cause behavioral
changes, and early recognition and treatment for
these problems is important. Fortunately, women are
more likely to seek medical treatment if they know
that it’s necessary.
What about drugs or alcohol? Is the abusive
behavior something that seems to occur when
she’s under the influence? Would she be
willing to get help for this problem if she knows
it’s causing harm to her family?
If those kinds of solutions have not been
helpful, perhaps then it is a case of a
psychological problem such as borderline
personality disorder.
At the extreme end of the scale is the woman who
knows what she is doing, and doesn’t care. In
that kind of a situation, then it’s up to you
to decide whether you can live under these
conditions, or you need to get out for your own
safety, or the safety of your children.
There are a few things you can do to be
proactive in dealing with a situation that is
violent or has the potential to turn violent:
- Move the argument: if you are in the bedroom
or kitchen, try to move. The bedroom has
understandable reminders of issues that could be
important, and the kitchen can be a dangerous
source of weapons. The living room or even the
front yard is a better place for you to be.
- If you have collections of guns or knives
get them out of the house, and store them
elsewhere. Women tend to go to weapons as
equalizers more quickly than men. While even
simple items as CD cases and wine glasses can be
turned into weapons by a violent woman, it makes
sense to remove the obvious dangers.
- Get witnesses. Tell family or friends about
your situation, difficult as that may be. Even
one person with first-hand knowledge of your
problem can make the difference between your
wife or girlfriend getting help or using the
issue against you. That’s why I suggested
the front yard in the earlier point. A nosy
neighbor can be your best friend in some
cases.
- Do not phone police unless you are in
immediate danger, and your life is at risk.
Law enforcement professionals nationwide have
been trained to presume the man is always the
perpetrator. There have been many cases where a
man has been arrested, even while his wife is in
the process of assaulting him and/or a police
officer. Don’t add this extra risk unless
you absolutely cannot avoid it.
- Have a safety plan. Put together a bag with
a change of clothes, cash, spare keys and
toiletries, and keep it somewhere away from your
residence. If you have children, make provisions
for them as well, and also include such things
as birth certificates and social security cards.
You may want to start storing your important
papers in a bank safety deposit box. Be sure to
arrange for a place to go if you need to spend a
night or more away from home.
It’s important for male victims to be aware
than you cannot rely on help from traditional
domestic violence programs. You are not welcome at
most shelters, and some domestic violence hotlines
train their employees to attempt to convince male
callers they are actually at fault.
This article is only an overview of the main
points of the issue. For more information here are
some resources for men:
Domestic Abuse
Helpline for Men and Women
Men's
eNews
Menstuff
The
San Diego Men’s Centers
Stop
Abuse For Everyone
I also have video at my own site that provides a
look into the circumstance of a few men. Entitled,
Husband
Beaters ,
it is in five parts and was part of the Secret
Lives of Women series on the WE network.
©2010, Trudy W.
Schuett
* * *
Trudy W.
Schuett is an Arizona-based online veteran with 10
years in cyberspace; an author and multiblogger.
She has held workshops on blogging, writing, and
promo for writers at the New Communications Forum
and Arizona Western College, and has participated
in world blogging events such as Global PR Blog
Week. She is also an advocate for unserved victims
of domestic violence. She is is the author of three
novels, two how-to books and eight blogs. Note:
Books are currently out of print, but two appear in
blog form. She currently publishes New Perspectives
on Partner Abuse at partnerabuse.com.
She has a video at her site that provides a look
into the circumstance of a few men. Entitled,
Husband
Beaters
It is in five parts and was part of the Secret
Lives of Women series on the WE network. She
publishes the AZ
Rural Times
and New
Perspectives on Partner
Abuse ,
she is on Twitter
and Facebook
She lives in Yuma AZ, with her husband, Paul.
desertlightjournal.blog-city.com/
or E-Mail.
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
