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Defining
misogyny
How
to Respond to
Criticism
Men
More
on older men and younger
women
Porn,
HIV, Freedom, Responsibility
Porn, HIV, Freedom,
Responsibility
The adult entertainment industry in Los Angeles
(the porn capital of the world, thank you) has been
hard hit by news that two of its stars have
recently tested positive for HIV. Some companies
have shut down production entirely, others are
continuing business as usual, some are shifting to
a "safer-sex" format.
Some folks might respond to this story with
schadenfreude, or at the least, with a certain lack
of compassion for the people involved. "What else
should they have expected?", a reasonable person
might ask of those who perform in porn; "they are
reaping the consequences of their actions",others
might -- with some justification -- say.
The one woman known to be infected with HIV is
an 18 year-old porn actress (who has only worked in
the business three months) named Lara Roxx. She
contracted HIV through unprotected anal sex with
two men during the shooting of one particular film
in March. What she was doing was perfectly legal,
as it was in the workplace and she was over 18. No
one -- least of all the producers of the film --
showed the slightest regard for this young woman
who is still, for all psychological and spiritual
purposes, very much in adolescence. (For obvious
reasons, I'm not going to link to any porn sites --
all my information about her has been gleaned from
mainstream, non-x-rated media.) Brian Flemming, who
apparently works close to the industry, put it best
in his blog:
Lara Roxx had zero protection by government
agencies. There was no cop on that set. No fire
marshal. No doctor. Nobody had a license. And
nobody broke the law by paying a teenager to accept
the uncovered penises of two men into her anus.
Roxx showed poor judgment, yes. She isn't
blameless. But there are plenty of neophyte stunt
performers in L.A. who would also be delighted to
show some poor judgment and get themselves hurt or
killed on a Hollywood movie set--but the government
regulates those sets. I've auditioned plenty of
eager young actors who would no doubt be willing to
do their own dangerous stunts if it meant getting a
good role and getting paid--but the LAPD, the LAFD
and the Screen Actors Guild would all have
something to say about that.
The 18-year-olds flooding into the porn industry
have just about nobody. The porn companies label
them "independent contractors," so the performers
don't even have the workplace safety protections
that fry cooks at Burger King do.
Lara Roxx, who is too young to legally drink in
a bar, has HIV not just because she participated in
a dangerous sex act. She also has HIV because there
was nobody to stop the producers from dangling
money and other inducements in front of this young
woman to get her to take that risk.
It's important for porn to be legal. The
government has no business outlawing sex or sexual
fantasy. But this principle is not so sacred that
we need to allow an industry to exploit and
endanger its workers. There's no fundamental right
to express HIV. There's no right to pay someone to
play Russian roulette for your entertainment.
But we Californians have decided that the sex
industry is the one industry that is allowed to
lure young women and men and use them as it
pleases. No politician speaks for these workers. No
union imposes conditions on their employers.
The mainstream film industry, while making
billions from distributing porn on the QT, doesn't
have any use for the dirty people who actually make
it.
The porn industry has become increasingly
mainstream, so much so that on the same day that
the HIV story broke in LA, the New York
Times did an "at home" feature in its House and
Garden section on porn star Jenna Jameson's 6700
square foot palace in Arizona. But this
increasingly accepting attitude towards pornography
is still another example of how our society is
abandoning its responsibility to care for and
protect all of its citizens.
I know firsthand how destructive porn can be. I
cannot say I have not enjoyed looking at it; I can
also say with confidence that exposure to it has
invariably left me feeling ashamed, alienated, and
sad. That may not be a universal experience, but it
is certainly a very common response! Like in so
many other areas (abortion, plastic surgery) we
frame the debate about pornography in terms of
choices. Women should have the choice to work in
porn. Men should have the choice to work in porn.
Women and men should have the choice to consume
porn as well. As long as everyone (performer,
producer, marketer, consumer) is over 18, where is
the harm?
The harm is in my soul when I view it. The harm
is in Lara Roxx's body right now. Lara Roxx no
doubt has another name, which we in the public
don't know. Porn stars, almost without exception,
change their names when they work in the industry.
"Lara Roxx" is not a person in the male porn
consumer's mind, she's an object for fantasy and
objectification. But beneath Lara's violated and
brutalized flesh is a young girl who has what I
imagine is a far humbler name (a Nicole, a
Jennifer, a Maria, an Elizabeth perhaps). I don't
know her, but I'm pretty damned confident that in
1996, when she was TEN, the little girl who would
become Lara Roxx (HIV-infected porn actress) did
not dream of becoming famous and wealthy for having
anal sex with two men on camera. Her hopes for
herself were, I suspect, simpler, warmer, and
filled with infinitely more longing and
promise.
The fact that Lara is 18 and consented to the
making of this film means no crime was committed
under California law. I'm not interested in ranting
about the law. I'm grieving because Lara's story
reminds me of how much damage porn does to so very
many lives. Lara's very life is now in jeopardy.
You can say she has some culpability, and I agree,
she does. But the only reason the money is so good
for young women in porn is because men are willing
to pay quite a bit to see girls like Lara naked and
exposed and penetrated. I confess that in the past
I have been guilty of that very sin. My dollars
have fed an industry of death, and I grieve that.
And I know that I too -- and countless other men --
have been damaged. When men like me lust after
girls like she who is called Lara Roxx (she's 18,
I'll be damned if I'll call her a grown woman), we
scar our spirits and tarnish our relationships with
all the other women in our lives as a consequence.
I have worked hard to make certain that when I see
teenage girls and young women (and I work with them
daily), I see them as people worthy of my respect,
friendship, and -- yes -- my protection.
I know there are women who work in the porn
industry (the aforementioned Jameson chief among
them) who are proud of what they do, who refuse to
see themselves as exploited, who have reaped large
financial rewards. While I accept their experience
as valid, I am convinced that they are rare and
over-hyped exceptions. I am convinced that the
reality of the porn industry -- for performers of
both genders -- is pyschically, physically,
emotionally and morally far bleaker than its few
superstars will ever admit.
As a man, I am called to do the hard but
essential work of looking beneath the
hyper-sexualized surface image that young women so
often adopt in our society today. I owe it to
myself, to the woman with whom I share my bed and
my life, and to these young women themselves. The
fact that many young girls and women choose to make
themselves objects of desire does not lessen for
one second my obligation to look past that veneer
and see them as my younger sisters whom I need to
honor, love, and care for. The girl who is called
Lara is sick today. I imagine that tonight she's
scared beyond words, filled with regret and fear.
I'm praying for her, and I ask God for forgiveness
because I know that in some small way, my money has
in the past helped to fuel the industry that has
done this to her.
Porn kills many things: innocence, hope, trust,
health, bodies, spirits. I know it is hip today to
proclaim it harmless, but the unfashionable fact is
that this is an industry built on distorted
fantasy, loneliness, and despair. And we on the
left need to stop hiding behind the First Amendment
issues and articulate this untrendy but vital
truth.
How to Respond to
Criticism
I've been thinking lately about something one of my
readers, a "Mr. Bad" said to me that's been in my
head for a day or two:
"You... have a very inaccurate, uninformed and
distorted view of healthy, normal masculinity. You
instead are much more attuned to feminist and
homosexual (i.e., gay and lesbian) issues than most
people. There's nothing wrong with that - in fact
it's necessary and informative - but the fact
remains that IMO you've shown yourself to be
clueless on the topic of normal, healthy
masculinity."
Rather than respond in anger, I've been thinking
about the ways in which this might be true. Am I, I
wonder, really out of tune with "mainstream
masculinity", whatever that is? From an academic
standpoint, I've read a great deal of the still
small canon of work on men's studies. I'm familiar
with everyone from Michael Kimmel to Warren Farrell
to Robert Bly to Shepherd Bliss to Bill McCartney
to R.W. Connell. From an activist standpoint, I've
trained with groups like Men Can Stop Rape. From a
volunteer standpoint, I've helped lead men's
retreats at places like All Saints Church and
Fuller Seminary. And Lord knows, I've participated
in enough group therapy (I was in two long-term
men's groups in my late teens and early
twenties)!
But what does that teach me about "normal guys"?
The academic in me wants to pretend that normalcy
itself is an artificial construct. But part of me
is reacting to Mr. Bad with the realization that my
own life experiences are radically different than
those of the majority of American men. Of course,
anyone who does any academic work at all in gender
studies is participating in a classically
"feminine" activity, in that we presume that
"normal" American men have no interest in the
thoughtful analysis -- and subsequent challenging
-- of traditional relationships among the sexes.
Thus studying and teaching the subject become proof
that I am not an authentic man, and thus excellent
grounds for dismissing my conclusions.
It's true, I wasn't raised with "All-American"
guy concerns. My father, whom I love with all my
heart and with whom I have a very close
relationship, was born in Austria and raised in
England. (He knows the rules of cricket, not
baseball.) He taught me to kick a round ball, not
throw one; he taught me to appreciate the life of
the mind and classical music. My father and I
didn't go to baseball games or learn how to
barbecue together. We did go to Gilbert and
Sullivan operettas and Jean Renoir retrospectives.
(Despite his influence, however, I did develop some
stereotypical American interests, chief among them
an interest in college football that has only grown
more passionate in the two decades since I first
entered university.)
I have lots of male friends today. How normal
are they? Most of my male friends are straight and
married; a few are gay and a few are single. Most,
but not all, are college educated white guys
between 30-55. Half have children. About half are
serious Christians, but others are agnostics,
Unitarians, and students of Kabbalah. Most are
liberal Democrats, but a few are solid Republicans.
But there's one thing every one of my close male
friends has in common: we are all, to a man, quite
concerned with the appearance and performance of
our bodies.
Mr. Bad commented, with a grain of what I
acknowledge is truth: "Almost every day you post
something about yourself, often times shallow
and/or silly, and usually relating to your body
with a healthy dose of your feelings thrown in. For
this reader, you come across on this blog as having
a very strong "mirror, mirror on the wall..."
princess approach to your life. So, considering
that your professinal focus has been on women and
homosexuals, I humbly suggest that perhaps that's
the basis for the model you're projecting as the
"typical" male you keep trying to offer up. And
because of this, you're missing the mark vis-a-vis
typical men by miles and miles."
Yes, I have my shallow and silly qualities. But
I'm convinced that Mr. Bad is wrong when he implies
that an intense concern with one's own appearance
is not "typically male." Every one of my male
friends works out. Many are marathoners and
ultrarunners and triathletes. In that sense, we are
a self-selecting group. We are perhaps a shade more
neurotic about our bodies than your average Joes.
(On Saturday, my two running buddies and I
discussed the details of the cleanse I've been on
for quite some time, as well as having a heartfelt
discussion of the nagging problem of "lower-back
fat deposits.") But Mr. Bad is wrong when he
implies that most American men are utterly
unconcerned with their appearance.
Here I don't have to rely on anecdotal evidence.
See here. See here. Note the proliferation of men's
fitness magazines which focus not on health but on
appearance. I don't think these magazines are
raking in fortunes off a few unusual narcissists!
Rather, the evidence is overwhelming that American
men are rapidly becoming as concerned with body
image as women have been. The fact that they are
not yet as vocal about it --- outside of the
fitness community -- does not mean that the anxiety
isn't growing to the point of being omnipresent!
(See books like The Adonis Complex, the very
subtitle of which makes clear the nature of the
problem: The Secret Crisis of Male Body
Obsession.)
Yes, I'm very concerned with my body's
appearance and athletic performance. Yes, I'm vain.
Yes, I do something straight men aren't supposed to
do, which is talk about these concerns in a very
public way. But the research (and abundant
anecdotal evidence) suggest that my friends and I
are far from alone. In blue-state cities it may be
easier for men to discuss these anxieties and
obsessions openly, but the evidence suggests that
they are becoming universal. In that sense, men who
are open about their "body image issues" are fully
and completely "normal" -- perhaps just more candid
than some of their more truculent and inarticulate
counterparts.
All in all, I think it's counterproductive, even
dangerous, to question the masculine credentials of
those who do gender work. Given the rigid rules of
American sexual culture, it's all but certain than
any man who does speak critically about male
behavior will have his manhood questioned. Indeed,
it's a standard debating tactic, usually employed
by those who oppose progressive agendas, to suggest
that feminists and their allies are "out of touch",
"elitists", who don't "get it" or who aren't "real
women" or "real men." One of the hallmarks of the
pro-feminist men's movement has been a resistance
to this false dyad of "real men" and "girly men"
(which, after all, is more or less what Mr. Bad's
language implies). The authentic men's movement
sees masculinity as a continuum, not a fixed
point.
Mr. Bad questions my masculine credentials; some
(not all) of my erstwhile allies are so irked by my
writings on marriage that they may be questioning
my feminism. It's one thing to dismiss our
opponents' arguments as poorly reasoned, another to
engage in ad hominem attacks. At the same time, my
own choice to bring in my own personal experience
-- a strategy and a technique I learned from
feminism -- makes these attacks all but inevitable,
if disappointing.
More on older men and
younger women
I got a very interesting e-mail last week from a
young woman whom I'll call "Kate" (not her real
name):
I am 17 years old...and I googled "Older Men,
Younger Women" because I am attracted to older men
and I feel alone in my peer group (despite my many
good friends and wonderful family). I was thankful
to find your post. So many things you touched on
are things that I feel. But I also felt abnormal
and ridiculous for having the feelings I do.
Although I am young, I suppose am one of those
girls you described, "...those who appear outwardly
fully adult may still be in need of our care and
protection." I am in every way mature. I feel more
comfortable with adults than I do with my own peers
thus the need for more attention from the more
mature male. Having said that, I want you to know,
I am a good girl. I know right from wrong...and
these attractions I have for older men always stay
platonic----mostly because I'm attracted to the men
who are safe. But sometimes it pains me because I
feel like I'm building such awesome relationships
that when I become legal, or more eligible to date
older men, they won't see me like that. At that
point, I get upset and I feel so rejected before
anything even began. This usually happens in the
school atmosphere because there are many male
teachers. So many of them seem wonderful because of
the teenage boy scum I go to school with. You
touched on that too--the obvious attraction girls
have because the older male is (hopefully) well
spoken and has a wealth of knowledge and
experience...verses the teenage male who is not any
of those things.
I hope this e-mail makes sense...it's so late
and I am confused by my feelings. My mother knows
how I feel about older men--and she said she
expected it because I am so mature mentally,
emotionally and yes...physically. I want to be seen
and appreciated by men...and for the most part I
am--and I have been for a long time. It is getting
to the point, however, when I want things to
progress and they just can't. Then I don't know how
to behave and I just want to crawl out of the hole
they call high school and just exist in this world
without my age tattooed on my forehead.
Anyway, as much as your post made me feel
slightly exposed, it was comforting because you
seem to know the inner-working of the young female
mind. So, thank you for that. And if you could
extend some advice or something, I would appreciate
it. I apologize if this is scatter brained...again,
it's late, and I'm a bit nervous e-mailing someone
and pouring out all these intimate details---but I
wouldn't have done it if I thought couldn't help me
sort things out a bit.
I asked Kate if I could respond via a post, and
I'm afraid I haven't heard back from her. Given
that her e-mail contains nothing that could
identify her, I'm going to assume it's okay to
respond publicly.
I just checked on Google, and this post is the
#8 ranked site for the query "older men, younger
women." Who knew?
Kate's e-mail really challenged me. In that
January post, I laid out what I believe is a fairly
compelling argument for older men to avoid romantic
and sexual relationships with much younger women. I
was fairly clear that I wasn't worried about women
in their thirties dating men in their fifties; I
was more concerned about young women in their late
teens and early twenties dating men eight or more
years older than themselves.
But yet, where does that caution leave the Kates
of the world? If I can take Kate at her word, she's
an unusually mature teenager. She's still got
plenty of growing up to do, as even the most
sophisticated of youth do, but she's probably right
when she says that she's significantly ahead of
many of her peers. Obviously, she's still a minor,
and she recognizes that she's not yet "legal". But
next year, when she's 18? What then? If all older
men scrupulously avoid dating young women Kate's
age, whom is Kate supposed to date who meets her
intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and yes,
physical needs? I don't think all teenage boys are
"scum", mind you. (My men's rights advocate critics
might suspect that I harbor that conviction). But
I'm aware that many young women, like Kate, mature
at a much faster rate than their male peers. It's
going to be difficult for her to find a real equal
among young men her age, and I'd be giving her
unrealistic advice if I told her that there were
large numbers of mature, sensible, emotionally
grounded and wise 18 year-old men running around.
That doesn't mean that such fellas don't exist,
just that they aren't plentiful!
I think there's a colossal difference between an
18 year-old woman dating, say, a 30-something man
she met at church or through friends and dating a
30-something teacher. Leaving aside the question of
professional ethics (something that the teacher
ought never leave aside), a relationship that
begins with an obvious asymmetry in terms of direct
power is, I think, almost always a profoundly
unhealthy experience for both parties involved. But
if Kate (once she's 18) wants to date an older man
who has no direct responsibility for her academic
development or emotional well-being, what then?
Does an age gap of ten, twelve, even twenty years
or more inherently constitute an unhealthily
asymmetrical relationship in terms of power?
Frankly, I think it depends entirely on the two
people involved, simply because I know too well
just how different 18 year-olds (and some 35
year-olds, for that matter) are from each other. A
hard and fast rule, as it were, simply won't
suffice.
Here's a section of what I wrote in January:
If I were to flirt back, or if I were to date a
student, I am convinced I would send a devastating
message about what older men "really" want.
Young women need older men in their lives who
will respect and care about them, who aren't their
fathers or brothers but who aren't prospective
lovers, either. They need to know that they bring
more to the table than their sexuality. They need
to be seen as complete human beings.
Paradoxically, seeing young women as complete
human beings means that in actions, words, and yes,
even in thought, older men cannot see them as
objects of sexual desire. That doesn't mean that we
(older guys) shouldn't acknowledge that younger
women are sexual creatures. But we must (and the
burden is on us alone here, fellas) love them with
radical unselfishness,and that requires that we
ourselves always refrain from sexualizing them.
I still stand by that. But I wrote those words
not just as a man in his late thirties, but as a
teacher and a youth worker. I see teenagers and
young adults through the eyes of my profession and
my avocation. I've known for years that I was
called to work with young people, and as a result,
I value my role as a mentor and (sometimes) a
"father figure". In my work as a professor and
church group leader, it's absolutely vital that I
never, ever, sexualize the young women with whom I
work. It's essential that I keep firm boundaries in
place, the kind that allow young people to trust
me.
But in my customary enthusiasm, I took a code of
ethics that applies to me personally (and one I had
to grow into) and offered it up as a standard for
all "older men." Obviously, most men my age don't
do the work I do. Most men in their thirties and
forties don't spend both their days (and often,
their nights and weekends) with teenagers and young
adults to whom they aren't related. And I'm not
sure it's reasonable to ask all men to refrain from
exploring romantic relationships with women who are
significantly younger. And Kate's letter reminds me
that it's even more unreasonable to ask all young
women (provided they are legally adults) only to
date men who are no more than five years older than
themselves.
I've seen many, many disastrous relationships
between young women and much older men. But to be
honest, I've also seen a few such relationships
that were marvelous, sparkling, honest, mutually
rewarding, and long-lasting. I think such
relationships are uncommon, often because so many
of the older men who do date much younger women are
struggling with their own issues, issues that an
older woman would challenge them to confront but a
younger girl might not recognize. And of course,
more than a few young women do have unresolved
issues with their fathers that they seek to play
out in a relationship with an older man.
But these are generalities that do not apply in
every instance, as Kate (and others) have reminded
me in the months since my post on the subject. So,
to conclude this long post, here's the best advice
I can give to Kate:
I understand that it's not easy to be where you
are, caught between adolescence and adulthood. 17
is rarely easy for the bright, the gifted, the
mature, the one who isn't thrilled by all that high
school society has to offer! It's natural and
normal to want to be seen and appreciated by men,
and to be appreciated for all that you have to
give. Please know that your teachers, if they love
their profession and genuinely care about you,
ought not only not act on any feelings they may
develop for you, they ought not even make you aware
of them. That's not about infantilizing you, it's
about honoring the very special trust that ought to
exist between a teaching professional who loves
teens and the students who rely upon him.
But Kate, I do think it's possible that in the
years to come, you will find older men to date who
aren't in a position of responsibilty towards you.
Honestly, you're right: all things considered, men
who are a decade or more your senior will likely be
able to offer you things that your male peers
cannot. You're not wrong to want those things, and
I don't think that all older men will be "bad" for
wanting to give them to you. Yes, I've seen a few
-- a very few but a few -- healthy, loving,
supportive relationships between young women just
about your age and men substantially older. Such
relationships are rare, but not unheard of.
Kate, I don't know you. But I can tell you I've
known a few young women who've said things very
similar to what you've said. And I know that in the
end, what many of them really wanted from older men
was not a sexual or romantic relationship, but
validation and recognition and attention. In our
highly sexualized culture, however, they couldn't
believe that a man would really love them and care
for them unconditionally unless they could offer
him something sexual or romantic in return. They
shortchanged themselves, and sadly, they found
older men who reinforced the notion that their
sexuality was the most valuable thing they had to
offer. I don't know if that's what's going on with
you.
Adults always tell teens to be patient, and
teens get tired of hearing it. But if I can give
you a piece of advice, it is to be patient just a
while longer. Let whatever boundaries you have in
place that have served you well stay in place just
a little bit longer. Keep those boundaries in place
especially with the men who have a sworn (even
sacred) responsibility to care for you as your
teachers and mentors. There's nothing wrong with
wanting. But there's much to be gained by waiting,
just a little longer, before "taking the next step"
with anyone, especially someone considerably older
than yourself. Once you become a legal adult, and
(perhaps) are in college, you will begin to meet
many different men who will be unlike those you
knew in high school. You might even find someone
closer to your age who does share your interests
and your passions. Stranger things have
happened.
I wish I had a magic bullet to make this growing
up process easier for you. I know it's frustrating
and confusing as hell. But it's my hope that the
older men in your life today will continue to be
loving, wise guides through that process, and at
your age, that's all that they ought to be.
Please take care.
Men
Until I was in my 30s, I had very few close male
friends. I was raised surrounded by women, and as I
went into adolescence and early adulthood, I tried
to make certain that women were always around me.
It wasn't just romantic or sexual relationships
that I was seeking; it was emotional support.
Through high school, college, and graduate school,
I prided myself on the large number of women who
were close to me, with whom I had mutually
supportive, generally non-physical relationships.
Of course, the real truth was that I was absolutely
terrified of intimacy with men. Men were colleagues
and rivals, but never friends. I made all sorts of
excuses as to why I didn't have more male friends;
the most frequent one was that "most American men
are sexist pigs, and I can't relate to that." (That
was a lie on several levels!)
Oddly, it was my work teaching women's studies
that forced me to work on my relationships with
men. About 1998, it finally hit home to me that
much of my academic interest in women's studies was
rooted in my own fear and dislike of my fellow men.
I liked being in classrooms (as a student or as a
professor) where I was often literally the only man
in the room -- I felt safe. As I did the work of
questioning why I felt so safe when men weren't
around, I realized to my shock that the judgment of
women did not carry as much weight in my life as
the judgment of men. In nearly all-female
environments, I was at least temporarily free from
the fear of being evaluated -- and found wanting --
by other males. It was a hard realization to come
to at 31! The great mytho-poetic men's studies
guru, Robert Bly, describes the type of guy I
was:
In the seventies, I began to see all over the
country a phenomenon that we might call the "soft
male"... perhaps half the young males are what I'd
call soft. They're lovely, valuable people -- I
like them -- they're not interested in harming the
earth or starting wars. There's a gentle attitude
toward life in their whole being and style of
living.
But many of these men are not happy. You quickly
notice the lack of energy in them. They are
life-preserving, but not exactly life-giving.
Ironically, you often see these men with strong
women who positively radiate energy.... the journey
many American men have taken into softness, or
receptivity, or "development of the feminine side"
has been an immensely valuable journey, but more
travel lies ahead.
That travel leads to learning to live not merely
as a male, but as a man. Many writers in the field
of men's studies talk about the concept of
"homosociality". It's a simple principle: in
American culture, young men are raised to value the
approval of other males far more than the approval
of women. Any young woman whose boyfriend acts
completely differently when he is alone with her
(as opposed to when he is with his buddies)
recognizes this phenomenon instantly. As a shy,
unathletic, narcissistic child, I had had a pretty
unhappy and rough time in elementary and junior
high school -- mostly from my male peers. I
realized, with that sudden mixture of shame and
relief that accompanies such a realization, that as
a consequence of these early miserable experiences,
I had spent two decades avoiding intimacy with
other men.
In the past six years, my relationships with men
have been transformed. Not surprisingly, I have
discovered that running has played a very helpful
part in that transformation. Though our informal
running group does have women within it, we are
primarily a male bunch. I find that men build trust
and intimacy when they aren't looking directly at
each other. When we run through the mountains, up
and down fire roads and single-track trails, we run
single-file. (We get excellent views of one
another's backsides, but that is not generally
considered a source of excitement.) Running single
file, sweating together, we can talk and talk and
talk while still having an activity that
legitimates the conversation. (Even after years of
workshops and consciousness raising sessions, it is
still tough to meet a male friend just "to talk"!)
I have brought countless problems into the San
Gabriel Mountains with my friends; two, three, or
four hours of hard physical (and emotional) work
later, my burden has been eased.
I've become convinced that only other men can
make men grow. Relationships with women can provide
us with healthy challenges. They can inspire us to
want to change, but they can't show us how to do
it. Our wives, mothers, girlfriends and other women
can only share with us what kind of man they would
like us to be -- they cannot "role model" that for
us. As Robert Bly puts it (and I know he raises
some feminist hackles): Women can change the embryo
to a boy, but only men can change the boy into a
man.
I've made it a point in my life to surround
myself today with three kinds of men: older men (my
father chief among them, but others as well) to
whom I can look for advice and inspiration; men my
own age (whose experiences are similar to mine);
younger men (teens and early twenties), for whom I
can serve -- with luck and by grace -- as a role
model. It's a good week if I spend time with all
three groups of men.
We are a culture with precious few non-violent
yet deeply masculine role models. Our schizophrenic
popular culture oscillates between idealizing the
endlessly conflicted, feminized men who struggle to
grow up (I always think of Ross, on "Friends") and
absurd caricatures of aggression (think of Vin
Diesel in most of his films). I don't have the
secret to living a balanced life as a man, but I am
convinced of this: living life surrounded by other
men, men who offer encouragement, accountability,
and male energy, is an essential part of that
healthy life.
Defining misogyny
In a comment on a post, Jeff JP (who remains
convinced that I am sonehow filled with
self-loathing) does manage to ask a good question
that deserves a thoughtful response. I wrote:
It wasn't until I started to do men's work with
other pro-feminist men that I began to feel
sufficiently empowered to start calling guys on
their (sometimes) unintentional miosgyny.
Jeff JP replied:
Thanks for proving that "misogyny" is one of
those words--just like "patriarchy"--that feminists
have abused and misused so extensively that it's
nearly devoid of meaning. I just checked several
current dictionaries of Standard English, and they
define "misogyny" as "hatred of women." Please
explain how "hatred" can be unintentional.
On reflection, I should have used the word
"unthinking" instead of "unintentional"; a small
distinction that seems to capture my point a bit
better.
I'd suggest that the parallel to "misogyny" is
"bigotry." When it comes to racial issues, are
there not many different types of bigots? Not every
bigot wanders around in a white sheet, aware of and
proud of their race hatreds. Some bigots deny that
they are bigots: "Oh, some of my best friends are
black, but in general..." Hatred is a powerful
word, and it would be too simplistic to believe
that it always manifests itself in violent, obvious
ways.
To hate someone, feminists suggest, is to see
them as less than fully human. Hatred is far more
than an emotion of intense, conscious dislike.
Hatred is the absence of compassion, the absence of
imagination, the absence of a recognition of a
common humanity. Rape is a profound expression of
hatred, because it is misogyny expressed in brutal
physical terms. But just as misogyny has defining
actions (rape and assault), it also has defining
language. The language of misogyny can range from
vicious verbal abuse that reduces a woman to an
object (c*nt, the primary example in American
English) to blanket statements about women's
abilities (women can't drive as well as men.)
Much of the misogyny of the men's rights
movement is directed towards feminists. Just as
racists in the Old South divided blacks into "good
negroes" and "uppity troublemakers", so misogynists
create a dichotomy of "good women" (submissive,
eager to please, able to "take a joke", uncritical
of bad male behavior) and "feminazis" (women who
demand accountability from men and who ask to be
taken seriously as human beings.) To say one likes
individual women, therefore, is no defense against
the charge of misogyny. Plenty of racists like
individual members of other ethnic groups. To be
hostile to the movement that seeks to liberate
women is enough, in my book, to merit the charge of
misogyny.
Misogyny is also institutionalized in our
society. Perhaps it is my Christian faith informing
my feminism, but I am convinced that pornography is
the representative art form of a woman-hating
culture. In porn, women exist to fulfill men's
desires -- they have no real agency of their own.
To see anyone as existing only to serve you and to
fulfill you is, feminists have argued, a practical
form of hatred. Relatively few men who use porn are
conscious of hating women. But regular use of porn
inevitably desensitizes the viewer to the humanity
and dignity of all of the women with whom he
interacts. It defies all we know about human
psychology to say that a fellow can go from
masturbating to images on his TV or computer screen
into interactions with real women without
objectifiying them.
Let's be clear here. Most folks, if they are
really honest about it, go through periods of their
lives where they experience (with varying degrees
of intensity) authentic dislike for the other sex.
Many will go through periods where they also
dislike their own. ( Self-loathing among young
women is famous -- if I had a dollar for every
young woman I've worked with who's said "All my
good friends are guys" or "Girls are too
competitive, I don't like them" I'd have enough
money to pay for a sweet honeymoon!) Most of us
take our own personal negative experiences and, at
least for a while, allow them to make us
fundamentally suspicious of (and perhaps openly
hostile to) the other sex. This is one form of
genuine misogyny -- or, yes, misandry.
We are eager to evade personal responsibility.
An anti-Semite can comfort herself by saying, "Oh,
I don't hate Jews -- Hitler hated Jews. I just
think that they have too much influence in our
culture." A racist can say: "Oh, I don't agree with
the Klan. But if my daughter brought home a black
man, well, I'd be pretty unhappy about that."
Surely we'd all agree that these are examples of
bigotry? Similarly, a man can say "I don't hate
women. I love women. But I think that feminists are
out to control and manipulate us."
That's misogyny too, Jeff.
Source: The assorted musings of
Hugo Schwyzer: a progressive, consistent-life ethic
Anabaptist/Episcopalian Democrat (but with a sense
of humor), a community college history and gender
studies professor, an avid marathoner, aspiring
ultra-runner, die-hard political junkie, and proud
father of a small chinchilla. 
©2010, Hugo
Schwyzer
* * *
Women really must have equal pay for equal work,
equilaity in work at home, and reproductive
choices. Men must press for these things also. They
must cease to see them as "women's issues" and
learn that they are everyone's issues. - essential
to survival on planet Earth. - Erica Jong
* * *
The assorted
musings of Hugo Schwyzer: a progressive,
consistent-life ethic Anabaptist/Episcopalian
Democrat (but with a sense of humor), a community
college history and gender studies professor, an
avid marathoner, aspiring ultra-runner, die-hard
political junkie, and proud father of a small
chinchilla. hugoboy.typepad.com
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