|
Women's Mood Swings Around Sex
Q from a Male, Junior student at University of
Maine. My girlfriend sometimes goes sometimes
for weeks without being interested in sex. However,
the instant she is again, she assumes that I'll be
ready to respond to her every solicitation. Is it
normal for women's desires to swing like this?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Thank you for your
question. There seems to be two parts to it - one
related to her expectations of you when she is
interested, and the other which has to do with
changing desire. I would like to address the latter
one first. Sexual desire varies considerably from
person to person - and is not necessarily based on
gender....for example, there are men who go for
long periods of time without showing any interest
and then all of a sudden seem to have a desire for
sex. Variation in desire is normal. There are some
people who just seem to have low desire all the
time - it has never been a big issue, while others
seem to go through life with very high desire. In
terms of the fluctuation in a person's desire,
hormones can certainly play a role for some women -
and perhaps this is the case for your partner. And
as you have seen firsthand, sexual desire also
varies from time to time for an individual. A
person who used to be interested in sex on a daily
basis may find that for whatever reason, they don't
have time or it is not a priority at this point in
their life and vice versa. In your situation, you
say she seems to have no desire for weeks and then
is interested. Hormones, her work schedule, and
energy level could all be playing a role, or even
how well things are going between you in your
relationship. As your relationship continues, you
may be able to discover what seems to trigger her
desire or non-desire.... and be better prepared for
what is in store. The other part of your question
has to do with expectations.... in your case, you
say she is not interested at all for weeks and then
once she is interested, she expects an immediate
response... which does seem unfair. We are not
robots, able to respond on command. Unfortunately,
some people do hold onto the misconception that all
men are ready and interested in sex at the drop of
a hat..... we hear about studies that say that men
think about sex hundreds of times a day... so why
shouldn't he be able to perform this instant? As
you describe your situation, it appears you have a
wonderful opportunity for the two of you to have a
heart-to-heart about what has been, until now,
unspoken ground rules within your relationship. It
is time to negotiate. Having the conversation
outside the bedroom will be useful, and making it
clear that you want to improve the relationship -
not cause problems - will reassure her that this
conversation is important. Try to be honest. Let
her know how you feel - which should include the
part about her not desiring you for weeks (which
may cause hurt feelings for you), as well as her
expectation for an immediate response when she is
interested. No one wants to feel pressured to do
things they aren't ready for. Use this as an
opportunity to strengthen the relationship.
Best wishes.
© 2009, Sandra L.
Caron
* * *
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the
lover. - Marge Piercy
American teens have the worst of all
worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted
with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all
manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by
and large sexually illiterate. Faye Westheimer
Dr. Sandra L.
Caron is a professor of human sexuality at the
University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr.
Caron or chat with your peers visit
www.CollegeSexTalk.com
Got a question for Dr. Caron? Visit
www.collegesextalk.com/questions.htm
and ask away! Get a guaranteed personal and
confidential response to your question:
www.my-secure-site.com/collegesextalk/
or
E-Mail
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
