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Sexual
Function/Problems
Q from a Female, Sophomore student at Tennessee
State: Me and my boyfriend have been together
for 4 months. When we have sex I can't come. I
think I can do it but I'm not sure, this upsets my
boyfriend as he thinks I don't get pleasure from
sex with him but I do. Can you help me??
A: It is not uncommon for women to have
problems reaching orgasm early on in a sexual
relationship. It takes time to get to know what is
possible when the two of you are together. It
sounds like you need to spend some time finding out
what is pleasurable for you.
Are you comfortable touching your own body? Once
you know what feels good - you will be better able
to point your partner in the right direction. It's
also important to know that most women need direct
stimulation of the clitoris for orgasm to
occur.
As far as penis-in-vagina sex: this tends to be
an ineffective method for many women to reach
orgasm. The clitoris is located too far from the
vaginal opening to receive adequate stimulation
from thrusting alone. It is not surprising to hear
you have not reached orgasm this way. Your
boyfriend needs to know this and be educated as
well.
I suggest you begin by familiarizing yourself
with your own body. One book that has been helpful
for many women in your situation is, For Each
Other, by Lonnie Barbach (see suggested books on my
website). Her book discusses female anatomy,
pleasure, and touching, as well as how to
communicate your needs and desires to your partner.
I think your boyfriend would benefit from reading
this with you.
Remember: Every woman is unique. The only way he
will know how to please you is if you understand
yourself. Best wishes!
Q from a Female, Senior student at Miami
University: I am never able to fuly attain an
orgasm. Whether with my boyfriend, or while
masturbating, I always reach the point where I feel
an orgasm coming, and then my body becomes
completely numb for a few moments. After, I feel
overly sensitive, as though I've just had an
orgasm.
What can I do to stop "freezing" and start
feeling the orgasm? I've had orgasms in the past,
but not in a few years. I've never experienced
anything sexually traumatic, and my relationship
with my boyfriend is very fulfilling, so what could
the problem be?
A: It is not uncommon for women to have
problems reaching orgasm. It takes time to get to
know your body and how it works - what feels good
and what is a turn-on. You say you reach a point
where things become numb. One suggestion is to move
toward orgasm more slowly. Another is to stimulate
the area around the clitoris rather than
directly. In fact, some women find that direct
stimulation of the clitoris is way too sensitive,
and they shut down. So try to begin by gently
stimulating the area around the clitoris, and then
"back off" every few minutes before returning to
stroking your clitoris. Allow yourself to build
toward the orgasm. The other suggestion is to
purchase a vibrator (sold as body massager in most
stores), and use that either alone or with your
partner to explore what feels good. One book I
would recommend is For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach.
It may offer you some valuable insight.
© 2010, Sandra L.
Caron
* * *
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the
lover. - Marge Piercy
American teens have the worst of all
worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted
with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all
manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by
and large sexually illiterate. Faye Westheimer
Dr. Sandra L.
Caron is a professor of human sexuality at the
University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr.
Caron or chat with your peers visit
www.CollegeSexTalk.com
Got a question for Dr. Caron? Visit
www.collegesextalk.com/questions.htm
and ask away! Get a guaranteed personal and
confidential response to your question:
www.my-secure-site.com/collegesextalk/
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