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It is hard being a virgin in college
Question from a male sophomore at student at
the University of Tennessee -- Knoxville: It
strikes me odd, but for some reason, being a virgin
is a huge turn-off for most women that I meet. Why?
Do they think that since I am a virgin, no one else
wants me, so I'm worthless? Or, are they just
thinking with their sexual desires instead of their
head? Either way, it is hard being a virgin in
college. Thanks.
Dr. Caron's Answer: You're right - it can
be difficult being a virgin in college -when it
feels like “everyone is doing it” when in
fact, they are not. I think it has to do with the
messages we receive from the media about sexuality
and relationships, as well as peer pressure. For
example: If intimacy equals sex, as some believe,
then people who don't engage in sexual intercourse
are automatically defined as leading very dull
lives. With this argument, virginity is then a
state we want to leave. This view is too
simplistic, only serving to pressure people to have
sexual intercourse.
I think this is true especially when we look at
how we socialize boys. We give many, many messages
to boys as they are growing up to be competent, to
be knowledgeable, and to be in charge - in such
areas as sports, social performance, etc. As a
result, both men and women assume all guys are
supposed to know and be competent in everything -
even in sexual matters - before they have the
experience. If he is not experienced sexually, some
people (men and women) may view him as different
and ask “what is wrong with him?” when
there is nothing wrong at all.
It is important to remember that virginity, like
sexual activity, is a matter of choice. It sounds
like some of the women you have met have forgotten
this point. Some men and women choose to wait until
they are in what they consider a long-term
relationship before they become sexually involved
and some do not. Being a virgin does not mean you
are not sexual, or that you do not have an intimate
relationship; virginity is an acceptable
alternative to sexual intercourse. What is best for
you is for you alone to decide. Remember: You are
in charge of your own body.
Question from a male senior at the
University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign: I'm in
a relationship that has lasted almost a year. I
feel I am in love with my girlfriend but I am not
sexually attracted to her. We have even talked
about getting engaged and I'm wondering if our
relationship can last without the physical part
being there. Male, Senior
Dr. Caron’s Answer: It sounds like
you have a nice friendship going with this woman.
However, I don't believe you can have a
long-lasting romantic relationship with someone you
aren't attracted to. What is interesting is that
your question is almost the reverse of what many
people worry about who say, "All we have is sex,
sex, sex - Is that enough of a basis for a
long-term relationship?" I guess I'm wondering what
you would like in a relationship. Do you wish it
were different? Have you ever experienced sexual
attraction to another person you were involved
with? I am also concerned about why there is no
attraction? How does your partner feel about this?
Is she okay with the relationship as it stands? or
does she feel rejected? What are her expectations
for the future? Again, I am referring to sexual
attraction, not sexual activity; you can have one
without the other. I think sometimes people avoid
the sexual part to avoid intimacy or connection:
Since you know you won't be that close, you can
protect yourself - keep yourself at a physical and
emotional distance. I also wonder if part of your
lack of sexual attraction for your partner concerns
a fear of sex itself. Have you experienced some
type of trauma or hurt feelings around sex? I think
you are right to ask yourself now if this lack of
sexual attraction is going to be a concern for the
future. Ignoring it will not make it go away. These
are just some of the issues you may want to look at
with a professional. Talking with someone you can
trust will give you the perspective you need to
make important decisions. Including your partner in
these conversations will be essential. Good
luck!
© 2009, Sandra L.
Caron
* * *
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the
lover. - Marge Piercy
American teens have the worst of all
worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted
with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all
manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by
and large sexually illiterate. Faye Westheimer
Dr. Sandra L.
Caron is a professor of human sexuality at the
University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr.
Caron or chat with your peers visit
www.CollegeSexTalk.com
Got a question for Dr. Caron? Visit
www.collegesextalk.com/questions.htm
and ask away! Get a guaranteed personal and
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