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How do you tell your partner
that your "great" sex involves fake orgasms?
Q from a Female, Junior student at the
University of Maine: How do you tell your
partner of one year that your “great” sex
together involves fake orgasms all the time?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Carefully and
sincerely. And make sure this conversation happens
outside the bedroom. I believe your question
reflects a situation other women have found
themselves in. Let me begin by saying it is
important to be honest with him - he needs to know
the kind of pressure you have felt and that your
intent was never to hurt him - but to "protect" him
from what you thought would be disappointing. You
need to have an honest talk about how you feel and
how you two need to learn what does need to happen
to allow you to reach orgasm. For example, he needs
to be educated on the fact that most women do not
reach orgasm simply from
“penis-in-vagina” activity - for many
women there needs to be extra stimulation. Some
women even prefer to orgasm through manual
stimulation only or oral sex or with a vibrator
– not during intercourse. Please know that
he's probably going to be hurt - expect that and
let him be hurt. He has a right to his feelings.
But you'll find that, if you can work through this,
your relationship will be stronger in the long run.
As you know, dishonesty makes for a very weak
relationship. It’s like a table with one leg -
not very sturdy. Best wishes.
When she doesn't want
to lead him on or hurt his feelings.
Q from a Female, Sophmore student at the Utah
State: I’m concerned about a friend of
mine who is infatuated with this woman in our
class. He has told her his feelings for her and she
said she wants nothing more than a friendship.
She’s a genuinely nice person who doesn’t
want to lead him on or hurt his feelings. Despite
this, he talks about her 24/7, calls her
constantly, and stops by to see her. He is starting
to make an ass out of himself - it’s
embarrassing. As his friend, I feel I should do
something, but I don’t want him to get mad at
me.
Dr. Caron’s Response: Let me begin
by saying that you are not responsible for your
friend. It’s not your job to protect him from
making an “ass” of himself. He is
responsible for his own behavior. I do think there
is something to be said for being honest, however.
For example, the next time he mentions her, you may
want to tell him that you are uncomfortable
listening to him talk about someone who’s
obviously not interested in him—and leave it
at that. It sounds like this is really between him
and the woman. You say this woman doesn’t want
to hurt his feelings; yet maybe she needs to be
more direct with him, even if it means hurting his
feelings. It sounds like he didn’t take the
gentle “hint” that she’s not
interested - since he’s constantly calling her
and stopping by to see her. It’s up to her to
set limits.
Is it Normal if a Man
Can't get Aroused?
Q from a Female, Sophmore student at the
University of Kentucky: Is it normal for a man,
on occasion, not to be able to get an erection
while being stimulated?
Dr. Caron's Response: Yes. Physical and
emotional factors may interfere. For example,
alcohol and other drugs can interfere with a man's
ability to get an erection. Also, a man who is
overtired or overstressed is not at his best in
anything. Be understanding and patient.
Why do Men Say
They want an Independent Woman and then Run?
Q from a Female, Sophmore student at the
University of Maine: Men claim they are looking
for independent women, yet when they get involved
with one they often can't handle it and run away.
Why?
Dr. Caron's Answer: This is complicated.
Some men may be genuinely interested in a
relationship with an independent woman, while
others may say they are and realize later they are
really not. I think it takes someone who is
confident to be with another person who is
independent and not needing to be cared for. Keep
in mind: We don't always look for what we really
want and we don't always say what we really want;
our desires may be elsewhere. It may be popular or
"politically correct" to say you want an
independent woman. In addition, we don't always
consciously know what we really want.
Is Losing Interest
in Sex with the Boyfriend a Problem?
A Female, Junior student from UM wants to
know......My boyfriend and I have been together
for a long time but we haven't been sexually active
with each other (or anyone else) for a few years. I
can't seem to bring myself to want to do stuff with
him. Is there anything I can do or we can do? It is
starting to become a big problem.
Dr. Caron's Answer: You say it is
becoming a problem. I wish I knew what you meant by
this. For example, is it that you feel pressured to
be doing something sexually because you assume
every else is? is it that you don't think this is
how "normal" couples should interact? Or is it that
your boyfriend is not happy with the way things
are? Some couples feel that there may be something
wrong with them if they do not have frequent sex.
You may be surprised to know that many couples who
are in what they consider "long term happy
relationships" are not sexually involved with one
another. In fact, a national sexuality study
published about 10 years ago (Sex in America by
Michael et al.) reported that nearly one-third of
couples said they rarely, if ever, had sex. Knowing
this may take some of the pressure off you to
change what may be a very comfortable, fun-loving
relationship for the two of you.
On the other hand, you say it is starting to
create problems, which suggests you would like a
change. You want to have the sexual part of the
relationship, but can't seem to find the desire.
Consider those aspects of your life situation
and/or your relationship that may be creating
roadblocks to desire. For example, it's hard to
have desire when you have so many other demands in
your life, or if you do not feel that your partner
cares about you or if there is unresolved anger.
Were there problems within the sexual relationship
that led to a lack of desire (e.g., you were never
sexually satisfied, he was feeling pressured to
perform)? You do not mention any of these, but
these could be issues to look at and discuss
(either with your partner, a friend, or a
counselor).
It seems like a good place to start would be to
talk with your partner about his comfort with the
relationship as it is. Perhaps there is no need to
change. Or maybe he feels the same way. Perhaps you
two have become so comfortable that you forget
about those earlier times in the relationship when
sex played a key role - it may have been a way to
make you feel wanted, satisfied, sexy, loved, and
cared for. Like so many things in life, it can be
hard to keep the excitement alive over time. Think
of it as an analogy to your favorite food - for
example, Ben and Jerry's ice-cream... let's say the
first time you tried the Phish Food flavor it was
amazing. But if you started eating it every week,
or even every day, well, it probably got pretty
boring pretty quickly. A little taste once in
awhile may be just what you need.... Begin to
rekindle those tastes, those feelings, by finding a
way to "date" one another again, adding little
surprises to the relationship, and doing those
things that used to turn you on that have now
fallen by the wayside. Find time to just kiss and
hold one another, to snuggle and lay close together
and listen to each other's heartbeat. Take it slow,
and work on rekindling those pleasurable activities
that create sexual feelings for you - work on
building upon those little things that make you
feel comfortable, loved, and cared for.
My friend says she was
raped. What can I do?
Q from a female, junior from (unknown/not
identified) university wants to know....My
friend says she was raped and I honestly do not
know what to do to help her or where to turn for
help - to help me help her. She is not going to
classes and is very depressed.....she stays inside
now all the time and refuses to go out to parties
or anywhere.
Dr. Caron's Answer: I would suggest
contacting the Dean of Students, as well as the
public safety/police office, the campus health
center, and your campus counseling center. Each of
these offices can assist you in helping her. She
needs to know her options....in terms of who can
help her legally, medically, emotionally. Many
universities now employ sexual assault counselors,
so I would also see if you have such a person or
office on your campus, or check out the local phone
book for a Rape Crisis Center in your community.
Sexual assault is a crime and while she needs legal
assistance to understand her rights, she also needs
medical and emotional assistance. Good for you for
being her friend and wanting to help. Believing her
is a great first step. Listening, being there, and
being patient with her are all going to help. Let's
hope your campus is able to respond - they are
obligated to help her, but they need to know about
this in order to help her. She needs to notify
someone within the university system so that the
situation can be dealt with appropriately. You will
be a big help to her by contacting the various
offices initially to see what she needs to do and
what will potentially happen at each place. Best
wishes.
By the way: What happens when a school does not
respond well? Students lose faith in the system,
and people become outraged. One example is a
website developed by a mother of a student who was
sexually assaulted at UVA, www.uvavictimsofrape.com/.
According to this mother, the situation was not
handled well by that university. Let's hope your
university responds better than what is described
on this website.
Is Losing Interest
in Sex with the Boyfriend a Problem?
A Female, Junior student from UM wants to
know......My boyfriend and I have been together
for a long time but we haven't been sexually active
with each other (or anyone else) for a few years. I
can't seem to bring myself to want to do stuff with
him. Is there anything I can do or we can do? It is
starting to become a big problem.
Dr. Caron's Answer: You say it is
becoming a problem. I wish I knew what you meant by
this. For example, is it that you feel pressured to
be doing something sexually because you assume
every else is? is it that you don't think this is
how "normal" couples should interact? Or is it that
your boyfriend is not happy with the way things
are? Some couples feel that there may be something
wrong with them if they do not have frequent sex.
You may be surprised to know that many couples who
are in what they consider "long term happy
relationships" are not sexually involved with one
another. In fact, a national sexuality study
published about 10 years ago (Sex in America by
Michael et al.) reported that nearly one-third of
couples said they rarely, if ever, had sex. Knowing
this may take some of the pressure off you to
change what may be a very comfortable, fun-loving
relationship for the two of you.
On the other hand, you say it is starting to
create problems, which suggests you would like a
change. You want to have the sexual part of the
relationship, but can't seem to find the desire.
Consider those aspects of your life situation
and/or your relationship that may be creating
roadblocks to desire. For example, it's hard to
have desire when you have so many other demands in
your life, or if you do not feel that your partner
cares about you or if there is unresolved anger.
Were there problems within the sexual relationship
that led to a lack of desire (e.g., you were never
sexually satisfied, he was feeling pressured to
perform)? You do not mention any of these, but
these could be issues to look at and discuss
(either with your partner, a friend, or a
counselor).
It seems like a good place to start would be to
talk with your partner about his comfort with the
relationship as it is. Perhaps there is no need to
change. Or maybe he feels the same way. Perhaps you
two have become so comfortable that you forget
about those earlier times in the relationship when
sex played a key role - it may have been a way to
make you feel wanted, satisfied, sexy, loved, and
cared for. Like so many things in life, it can be
hard to keep the excitement alive over time. Think
of it as an analogy to your favorite food - for
example, Ben and Jerry's ice-cream... let's say the
first time you tried the Phish Food flavor it was
amazing. But if you started eating it every week,
or even every day, well, it probably got pretty
boring pretty quickly. A little taste once in
awhile may be just what you need.... Begin to
rekindle those tastes, those feelings, by finding a
way to "date" one another again, adding little
surprises to the relationship, and doing those
things that used to turn you on that have now
fallen by the wayside. Find time to just kiss and
hold one another, to snuggle and lay close together
and listen to each other's heartbeat. Take it slow,
and work on rekindling those pleasurable activities
that create sexual feelings for you - work on
building upon those little things that make you
feel comfortable, loved, and cared for.
Does being a 20 year
old male virgin make me a loser?
Q from a male, junior from the UC Santa Cruz
wants to know....I am a 20 year old college
student and the unique part about me from the rest
of the college students is that I haven't had sex
yet because I feel that it is my choice and I
should only do it at a right time with the right
person. I have had many female friends that wanted
to have sex with me when they drank, but I refused
their requests because I think they are being
irresponsible in their attitudes. Now I know that
especially in today's college and high school
atmosphere, being a virgin makes you a loser. But I
totally disagree on that and believe that sex isn't
a childish game, it is a choice and you should only
do it when you think you are ready and responsible
for it. What do you think?
Dr. Caron's Answer: I couldn't agree with
you more. Sex is something that should be engaged
in when one feels it is right for them. If intimacy
equals sex, as some believe, than people who don't
engage in sexual intercourse are defined as leading
very dull lives. With this argument, virginity is
than a state we want to leave. This view is too
simplistic, only serving to pressure people like
yourself to have sexual intercourse.
It is important to remember that virginity, like
sexual activity, is a matter of choice. Some men
and women choose to wait until they are in what
they consider to be a long-term relationship before
they become sexually involved and some do not.
Being a virgin does not mean you are not sexual, or
that you do not have an intimate relationship;
virginity is an acceptable alternative to sexual
intercourse. What is best for you is for you alone
to decide.
Why Relationships
"Peter" Out
Q from a female, senior from the University of
Georgia wants to know....Throughout my college
career, I have had a number of dead-end
relationships with several guys. It seems things
always go fine at first, but within a few weeks it
"peters" out. While at first we had lots to share
and talk about, in a matter of just a few weeks
there is nothing left to say to each other. What's
wrong? Do I just have really bad luck or what?
Dr. Caron's Answer: I'm curious about the
relationship you have had with these various guys
before you started dating them. Sometimes people
think they can meet someone in an evening - fall in
love - and that's it...a love relationship has been
established. But it needs to be based on something
- such as mutual interests, values. I wonder about
your own expectations for a relationship. Clearly
the initial meeting is important - but what is the
"glue" that holds you together? My motto is "Start
a trend, fall in love with a friend." That way you
have a basis on which to judge the person you are
now romantically involved with. Also, there are
things you can do to keep the conversation going.
Attending plays or guest lectures on campus, or
reading articles in the campus newspaper together
can certainly provide ideas for conversation. You
have to work at any relationship. It doesn't just
happen. Best wishes.
Being a loser in the
“romance department.”
Q from a Male, junior at from Drexel wants to
know...
I would like to have a girlfriend, someone to
be in love with, but I seem to be a loser in the
“romance department.” Any tips?
Dr. Caron’s Response: Yes, I have a
great tip: In order to find someone to love, you
need to find someone you like. Think about what it
says: start slow; take small steps. Rather than
thinking you are a loser, I suspect you just have
not found the right person yet. No one can expect
to meet someone and automatically have a dynamic
love relationship; it takes time. Begin by finding
someone you like.
Men and Intimacy
Q from a woman at the University of Maine:
Why is it that men have a harder time being
close? Why isn't intimacy as important to them as
it is to women?
Dr. Caron's Answer: I think it is
just as important, but for some men it is more
difficult to show or express. Keep in mind that,
even today, many men do not get the opportunity to
build "intimacy skills" while growing up. Women
tend to have more practice in this area. Little
girls are allowed to stay close and connected to
their mothers - while boys are "pushed out of the
nest" so to speak. Girls are allowed to touch each
other - while men can touch only in specific
situations (for example, during sports or during
sex). Research has indicated that women are more
likely to call a friend "just to catch up" - while
men talk to each other about doing things. It's
more acceptable for women to share feelings; many
men are still being raised to think it's "unmanly"
to cry or say they feel hurt. It takes time to
unlearn some of these messages and to recognize the
benefit of feeling free to express yourself and
feel close to someone. Developing intimacy takes
time. Fortunately, more and more men are
recognizing their desire to develop this
ability.
Breaking Up
Q from a Female, Junior student at University of
Florida: I broke up with my boyfriend over a
year ago, but I can't stop thinking about him. I've
dated other guys, but nobody seriously. Will I ever
get over him?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Probably. One year
isn't really a long time to still be thinking about
your old boyfriend, especially when you haven't
established another serious relationship. It's
important to look at why you still think about him.
Is it the relationship with him that you miss, or
just having a relationship? Why did you break up?
Often times it can be easier to remember the good
times with your boyfriend, while forgetting why the
relationship didn't work out. Remember: One of our
tasks in life is learning to let go. It's hard.
Getting Pregnant
Q from a Female First-Year student at UNCC
wants to know….Can a woman get pregnant at
any time, or is there a time when she can't get
pregnant?
Dr. Caron’s response: You get
pregnant when an egg and sperm meet so both
need to be present for this to occur. Most women
ovulate (release an egg) in the middle of their
cycle. For example, if a woman menstruates every 28
days, she typically ovulates on or around the
10-16th day before the start of her next period.
The egg lives only 4 to 24 hours after ovulation.
Sperm are most active within 48 hours after
ejaculation. So, one way to avoid pregnancy is to
avoid having intercourse around the time you
ovulate. (of course you can also use birth control
pills that stop ovulation completely no egg
= no way to get pregnant).The problem is trying to
determine when you ovulate. For some women the
signs are more obvious. For example, some women
experience a twinge on one side of the lower
abdomen during ovulation, called mittleschmerz
(German for middle pain). Around the time of
ovulation there is an increase and a change in
cervical mucous secretions. The mucus becomes
clear, slippery, and stretchy (like egg white). It
is at this time that a woman can most easily become
pregnant. If you really want to understand your
body and your ovulatory cycle, I suggest learning
natural family planning (there are books explaining
this); this method teaches you how to chart your
temperature and mucus changes in order to predict
ovulation. You can also buy an
ovulation-predication kit at the drug store; but
this can be a bit expensive, as it requires you to
check your urine daily for the presence of
hormones. Best wishes!
When She Isn't
Willing to Say How She's Feeling
A question form a Male, Junior at University of
California wants to know.... I have been in a
relationship for almost 3 years with my girlfriend.
We have had a great relationship, the communication
could be better but that is both of our fault. The
problem came when we went on a vacation together.
She was very drawn back and not receptive at all,
even to a simple conversation. I had a feeling
something was wrong. So I asked her and she said
she was fine and nothing was bothering her. A few
days after returning home she said we needed a
break from one another. This came as a total shock
to me. I knew something was wrong I just had no
idea it was that bad. She said she needed a break
from us so she could be more like a college
student. I am very confused and I am not exactly
sure how to take it or what to do? I don't want to
loose her she means everything in the world to me.
If you have any advice I would greatly appreciate
it.
Dr. Caron's Response: This sounds like a
very painful time for you. The person who you love
and care about is now telling you she wants a
break. OUCH. That hurts! As you have discovered,
there are no guarantees in a relationship, and
while you may have had hopes for this one, it
sounds like it may be over. I do think that when a
person says they need a break, we need to believe
them. I do worry that she has left you hanging -
suggesting that perhaps you and she may be back
together one day, once she has had time to "be more
like a college student." But would you really want
her back - would the trust be there? would the
damage of this surprise announcement be able to be
overcome? It would be nice if you could get her to
tell you more about what is going on for her, but
unfortunately she may not be able to articulate
anything more than her need to be a college
student. The issue becomes whether you should hang
around and wait for her to change her mind -
something that may never happen - or let go. A
relationship requires a commitment by the two
people involved - and she is not currently part of
the equation. Your needs are not being met. I would
look to my friends for support. You need time to
grieve and to begin building a life without her -
as a way to protect yourself from more hurt. I hope
you can find the support you need to move on - so
that should she one day decide she is ready for a
new relationship with you, it can be on your terms,
as well as on hers. Breaking up/losing someone - is
a difficult task - life is really about learning to
let go... I hope you can accept her decision to
break off the relationship and take whatever
valuable lessons you have learned from this into a
new relationship one day. Best wishes.
Is it common for straight
males to masturbate with and/or for other straight
males?
Q from a Male, senior at Harvard University
wants to know.....Is it normal, or should I say
common, for straight males to masturbate with
and/or for other straight males?
Dr. Caron's response: Let me begin by
stating that just because something is not common
does not mean it is not normal. And although we
usually think of masturbation as a solo activity,
it can be shared with a sexual partner in person,
or via phone or internet. It also happens in
groups. Please keep in mind that finding good
research data on masturbation is difficult because
many people are not comfortable reporting honestly
about their masturbatory behavior. Having said
that, when looking for data on straight males
masturbating with other straight males, it does not
appear to be a very common practice - at least in
the published research arena. The little research
found on this would fall into the category of group
masturbation – also known as the "circle jerk"
- where groups of boys form a circle and see who
can masturbate the fastest or propel their
ejaculate the furthest. One recent paper on this
very topic was published by Cornog in the
Journal of Sex Education and Therapy. An
adult version of group masturbation occurs in
organized clubs, sometimes referred to as Jack-Off
or JO clubs. One example is the New York Jacks, a
male masturbation club started in the 1980s.
Although it is thought that this type of shared
masturbatory experience most likely occurs between
gay males, we know it also includes women and
heterosexuals. This is seen in the rise in clubs
now referred to as Jack and Jill Off or JJO clubs.
Getting back to your question - I think it is
important for the people participating to decide
what they are comfortable with - and if this feels
right for them - in terms of their own values and
beliefs. That's something to consider when deciding
whether to share this side of oneself with another
person.
How to be comfortable
while having sex
Question from a first-year female at Simon's
Rock College of Bard: What positions during
intercourse are more comfortable for women. Is it
normal for some positions to be painful?
Dr. Caron's answer: Comfortable positions
during intercourse really vary from person to
person - while some may enjoy the man-on-top
position, others may enjoy having the woman on top,
being side by side or using rear entry. Some people
enjoy experimenting with more than one position.
Comfort level really varies widely from couple to
couple. However, I will say that some women report
that they find the woman-on-top position more
comfortable because they have a greater range of
motion and can more easily control the angle, rate,
and depth of penile penetration. Is it normal for
some positions to be painful - yes. For example,
pain can be the result of a woman not being
lubricated enough. Sex can also be painful if she
has an infection (such as a yeast infection), and
some contraceptives have been known to irritate the
vagina (like certain foams and gels, and even
condoms!) which can lead to painful sex. Other pain
can result when thrusting is so vigorous that the
ligamen!
ts that support the uterus are pushed and
suddenly stretched - the woman-on-top position
comes in handy in this case since she controls the
depth of the thrusts. Although all women may
experience some pain during some episode of
intercourse, there is reason to be concerned if you
find that you have this pain most or all the time -
in whatever position you find yourself in. A pelvic
exam performed by a gynecologist would be
recommended. For example, endometriosis (when
menstrual tissue ends up outside the uterus and
attaches within the pelvis to the ovaries, tubes,
and uterus) is associated with pain during penile
thrusting and you would want to have this checked
and treated. For more information on endometriosis,
check out this website: www.endometriosisassn.org/.
Best wishes.
What to do When Your Partner
Starts to Experience Pain During Sex
A Male, Senior student at the University of
Maine wants to know......My girlfriend and I
have been with each other for almost 4 years now. I
don't get to see her often but when either of us
visits each other we usually have a good amount of
sex in a short period of time (over a weekend). In
the past 2 months my girlfriend has been saying
that every so often it really hurts her to have
intercourse...... it's to the point where she
starts crying. I was just wondering if this is okay
or should she have it looked at? And is there
anything I can do in the boyfriend role to make her
feel better?
Dr. Caron's Answer: My first suggestion
is STOP. Intercourse should not be painful. If it
is, she should seek a medical opinion. The most
common reason for pain is lack of lubrication,
which can easily be resolved with a lubricant.
However, pain with intercourse can be caused by a
number of other issues that should be explored with
a medical provider who specializes in women's
health. Sex should be about pleasure. When you say
she starts crying because it hurts, that is a clear
indication that you need to stop. I mean, what is
the point of continuing if it is not pleasurable
for her? And one has to wonder how it could be
pleasurable for you if you know it is hurting her.
It would be no surprise to see a person's desire to
engage in sex drop very quickly in this situation.
As her boyfriend, your role should be one of
showing care and concern for her well-being by
accompanying her to her medical appointment. Until
her pain is resolved, it means being patient and
showing a willingness to find other ways to be
sexually intimate with each other besides
penis-in-vagina. It also means assuring her that
you are there for her and that you will wait until
she feels ready to initiate intercourse. Best
wishes.
* * *
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the
lover. - Marge Piercy
American teens have the worst of all
worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted
with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all
manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by
and large sexually illiterate. Faye
Westheime
Is it normal for a
person in a relationship to masturbate?
Q from a male, First Year student from St.
Bonaventure wants to know....Is it normal for a
person in a relationship to masturbate?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Yes. Masturbation
seems to be one of the most widely practiced and
least talked about sexual behaviors. And it
isn’t just “beginner’s sex”
that kids do until they’re ready for the
“real thing.” Men and women, boys and
girls, people with a regular partner and those who
are single, heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals,
all masturbate. While some may believe that single
adults are more likely to masturbate, the 1994 Sex
in America survey found that adults with a partner
are more likely to masturbate than those who did
not have a partner. The researchers concluded that
masturbation is “not an outlet so much as a
component of a sexually active lifestyle.”
Some people worry that if their partner
masturbates, there must be something wrong with
their relationship. However, there appears to be no
relationship between frequency of masturbation and
frequency of sex with one’s partner. If fact,
some studies have found that married people who
masturbate have greater relationship and sexual
satisfaction than those who do not.
© 2006, Sandra L. Caron
* * *
Sex is much bigger than genitals. It's a matter
of sensory awareness, living in the physical world
and reacting to it in a sensory way. - Camille
Paglia
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