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Mike Shaffran is a Licensed
Clinical Social Worker and Psychotherapist with
over 30 years experience in the mental health
profession. He's worked most of his time in
outpatient Psychiatric clinics where he has
provided individual, couples/marital, family and
group therapy. He is trained in multiple therapies,
including: Psycho-dynamic, Gestalt,
Structural-Strategic Family, Solution focused,
Brief Therapy, and other methods. He is trained in
EMDR ( a type of therapy for PTSD), hypnosis,
meditation and guided imagery also. Mike is
committed to ongoing seminars, workshops and
trainings to keep current with the latest therapy
to provide the best services possible to his
clients. www.sanluisobispotherapy.com
or E-Mail
Father and Son - The Tangled
Web of Intergenerational
Relationships
Father's
Day
Initiation Rites for Adolescent
Boys
Male-Female
Communication
Me and My
Shadow
Men and
Grief
They only want me for
my linguistics
They only want me for
my linguistics
This article was first written many years ago while
I was teaching ESL in Korea...
I had heard before I arrived in Korea that the
social customs and mores here were rather
traditional. I knew that dating and romance took
much more time than in the USA. I expected, too,
that I need to adjust to the life of a monk for an
extended period of time. However, never did I
expect that I would be wanted for my linguistic
ability. Korean men, women, children, adolescents
and even the elderly, simply want me for my English
speaking talents.
Now, I know that I am no longer that thin 165
pound blond guy that I was in high school or even
that 175 pound muscular college guy who claimed his
fair share of co-eds. I'm not even the 34 year old
graduate student who was still attractive in body
(at 185 lbs.), sense of humor and spirit. Yes, I'll
admit it: I've gained another 15 pounds as
sedentary employment and middle age have taken
their toll on me. But never, I mean never, did I
expect everyone from toddlers to retirees to
exploit me just for the perfect English sentence!
Married women call me up to practice their sentence
structure; college students suggest a rendezvous at
all hours of the day or night to brush up on their
vocabulary. Not only that, but also, I'm regularly
accosted by construction workers who whistle at me
(from tall buildings under construction or from
street level) as I walk by. They shout: "Hello,
where are you from?" in broken English. Never once
have these people expressed sincere interest in
wanting to know my real feelings, hopes, dreams or
life experiences as a human being!!! Instead, all I
get from them is: "How do you say this in English
or that in English?" I'm afraid to admit that I
often sell myself short for a cup of coffee or a
ride to Haeundae Beach. I, of course, believe they
really want to know the real person inside. But no,
they only want me for my linguistic skills. If only
once, they'd tell me I was intelligent, attractive,
sexy or even funny, then I'd feel less used and
abused. What's a lonely, middle-aged American
English teacher to do when new to Korea and has
left his friends, family and support system back in
"The States"! Well, excuse me, I must get my front
door - - I hear someone mumbling something in
broken English about lessons!!!!!!!
Father's Day
Father's Day is a day that is to represent the best
that fathers or father figures like myself
represent. Since I have no biological children of
my own or sons, I often feel left out. However, my
wonderful girlfriend/partner of 10 years always
gives me a Father's Day card, as she acknowledges
all the boys, adolescents and men that I've
mentored over 20 years "doing men's work".
Providing individual, and group therapy for
adolescent boys and men over all these years has
been very healing for not only the boys and men but
also for me as well. This is why I started in this
specific area of therapy, i.e., to heal my
childhood wounds from my father and family of
origin; however, over the last several years, the
focus has been exclusively for the men and boys who
need this healing far more than I do. It's a gift
to be sufficiently well healed to devote my time
and energy to them.
Another way that I have helped these boys and
men has been through almost 20 years of involvement
with a powerful organization, the Mankind Project
which is an initiation rites of passage weekend
that helps men feel good about being men. There are
ongoing groups after the weekend experience.
Likewise, there is an equivalent weekend for
boys(11-17).
These boys become "J-men" and continue with
ongoing support groups lead by Adult men.
J-men means that they are no longer boys, nor
are they adult men yet. Many men like me serve as
mentors to boys and adult men. These men are father
figures even without the benefit of being
biological fathers.
The commitment of biological fathers to raising
healthy, loving; responsible sons and citizens or
mentors, like myself or others, who devote their
time and energy to being role models to boys and
adolescents is one of the most overlooked aspects
of Father's Day. What is lost is the true essence
of this day, instead of the commercialism of
department sales or father day cards with pictures
of fishing rods and nature scenes. Honoring men
"who step up" to make a real difference in the
lives of young boys and men--whether biolgical
fathers or father figures/mentors-- is what
Father's Day should really represent and honor!
Me and My Shadow
The famous Swiss Psychiatrist, Carl Jung, MD, wrote
about and developed the idea of the Shadow. The
Shadow is that part of us that we repress, avoid
and deny. As men, it's easy to hide real authentic
feelings: pain, sadness, depression, anger,
anxiety, shame, and even panic can be tucked away
until they come out "sideways" or erupt in violence
of many sorts--physically or verbally.
While Carl Jung,MD developed the concept the
concept of the Shadow, Robert Moore, Ph.D. and
Douglas Gillette, Ph.D. came up with the King,
Warrior, Magician and Lover Archetypes. These
Archetypes are common in all societies and
especially affect men in our modern, industrialized
countries.These Archetypes which are stereotypes of
character in our society and civilization such as
John Wayne or Clint Eastwood; they represent a type
casting, if you will, of a how a man ought to be,
especially in the 40's and 50's.
Obviously, these Archetypes are changing today.
However, the "dark side" or Shadow of these
Archetypes are problematic. A Shadow King would a
ruthless dictator like Stalin or Hitler. A Shadow
Lover would be a man who seduces and exploits women
sexually and emotionally. A Shadow Warrior would be
a killer like a Hit-man or someone who does
drive-by shootings for sadistic reasons. Finally, a
Shadow Magician would be helping professional who
takes advantage or his clients or professions for
financial or sexual gain.
In the Men's therapy work that I do (both
individual and group), I address the shadow issues.
We look deeply into what's behind the shadow or
causative in living an inauthentic life. We not
only root out the origins of what created the
shadow but look for ways to transform the shadow
into a positive, life affirming behavior that gets
the man back into integrity with himself, his
family, friends and society at large.
A wonderful book that I recommend is: King,
Warrior, Magician and Lover by Robert Moore, Ph.D
and Douglas Gillette, Ph.D. They explain Carl
Jung's Archetypes in very descriptive ways ; also
elaborate on the positive and negative aspects of
the Shadow. Of course, any of Dr. Jung's books on
the Shadow are excellent reads as well.
Men and Grief
Men have a difficult time with grief; this is an
understatement. Anger is much easier for men to
access. Moreover, boys and adolescents have this
problem as well. Where do they learn these
unfortunate habits? Why from men of course. The old
John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Arnold
Schwarzenegger stereotyped behaviors die hard.
Therefore, young men even today struggle with
impressing the girls and women they date and/ or
marry. Unfortunately, they stuff feelings, rarely
cry in public or private and get angry more than
grieve the natural losses that we all face. Death,
loneliness, defeat on the playing field or on the
job--being fired, quitting , being humiliated by
bosses or colleagues, all are sources of grief and
sadness and ought to be given the privilege of
expressing grief safely. However, no where in our
society are there rituals for everyday losses which
may be far worse than physical deaths in boy's and
men's lives.
My job as a Psychotherapist of 30 years is to
help young men and middle age men to grieve these
losses in a safe and secure environment. There are
rituals that I use to help my clients or patients
to deal with these earth shattering losses in very
meaningful ways. Virtually none of my male clients
have ever felt shame or embarrassment by the
processes that I employ which have been used by
countless other therapists as well. There are
national and international men's organizations that
have successfully used the same therapy methods
that I use. Many of these organizations emphasize
"rites of passage" for boys and men which have been
around for thousands of years. Cultures the world
over have used these methods to facilitate the
processing of male grief and loss for
centuries.
If boys and men can grieve successfully, they
are less likely to abuse substances, turn to
violence with other men and women as well. There is
a correlation between being able to express anger,
rage and grief successfully and a recidivism in
prisons and other institutions. Male mental health
improves and a greater sense of connection to one's
fellow man and woman increase.
Allow me to help you learn ways to open your
heart and mind and free yourself from harmful
habits like unresolved loss and grief.
Father and Son - The Tangled
Web of Intergenerational Relationships
As a Psychotherapist and Social Worker in the
mental health field for almost 35 years, I’ve
observed father-son relationships up close and
personal. There are some good ones but
unfortunately, most are fraught with disappointment
and heartbreak. Robert Bly, the father of the
modern men’s movement--most agree--feels the
reason is as follows: father and son are competing
for mother’s love and affection; therefore,
there is tension between the two--often extreme and
sometimes distain or even hatred. It’s the
grandfather or uncle, in some cases, who rescues
the boy and serves as a better role model than
father, in lucky cases. Unfortunately, many boys
raised in single family homes by a mother, aunt or
grandmother, get little fathering or proper male
modeling; society suffers the consequences.
I often see these young men, middle age men and
even old men in my men’s groups. They are
usually having difficulties in their marriages as
well. They may have had multiple relationships with
women--some monogamous and others, polygamous.
There are many addicts among them; often sexual
compulsives. There are as many recovering
alcoholics, drug addicts and gamblers as well. They
need help and know it but unfortunately, most have
been through the emotional ringer before they made
their way to my office.
The purpose of therapy, both individual as well
as group, is to help them resolve their old
emotional wounds--frequently due to poor
relationships with their fathers. Their fathers may
have been WWII Vets, like my own case, or Korean
Veterans; today, I see many men whose fathers are
Vietnam Vets. All of these men have trouble with
intimacy or struggle with various addictions,
compulsions or obsessions. Poor self-esteem abounds
and struggles with alcohol, drugs, food, over-work
and pornography or affairs seem to ways these men
cope, both young and old. However, something
magical happens when these men get together with
other men and share their “deepest, darkest
secrets.” They allow others to see “their
shadow side” as Carl Jung, MD would call it.
The part of us that we repress, avoid and deny.
This self-transparency has a profound affect on us
as well as our fellow group members. We share our
humanness and other men share theirs; in this most
intimate experience, we start to heal ourselves as
do others.
With over 20 years doing Men’s group
therapy--both my own and others--I’ve grown
significantly in my life, personally and
professionally. Clearly, it has helped my intimate
relationships with men, women, boys and girls. My
family relationships have improved also. My
interaction with all humanity has been impacted for
the better overall.
Initiation Rites for
Adolescent Boys
In this era of gangs, "drive-by" shootings, 15 year
olds killing 15 year olds, one certainly gets very
disheartened and indifferent. It's easy to put on a
"stiff upper lip" and become more cynical; simply
accept these murders as part of the package of
living in the 21st century. One can accept these
atrocities of primarily inner city youth along with
global warming, multiple wars, and now the 700
billion dollar "bail out" with the impending
recession as just the way it is.
On the other hand, there may be some real
solutions to these problems--specifically, the
unwarranted death of urban youth. One solution that
has worked for centuries prior to the industrial
revolution is the custom and ritual of youth
initiation; specifically, for adolescent boys.
Third world cultures, although not exclusive to
European cultures, have used these rites of passage
ceremonies as a way to initiate their young
adolescent boys into adulthood. Particularly among
African tribes, these ceremonies that were
participated in with enthusiasm by the boys'
mothers as well, have proved to be a significant
way to incorporate boys into the larger culture and
recognize their value as young men who can then
"give back" to the community at large.Once
initiated, these "young men" can marry, defend
their tribes, hunt with the adult men,etc. They are
given a place and standing, if you will, in the
adult community and they are honored. They know it
and believe it. Perhaps, an honoring and blessing
for not only urban youth but rural and suburban
youth as well in the USA would help significantly
in slowing down, if not eliminating the destructive
forces that plague our nation and other
industrialized nations as well.
Louise Kaplan, Ph.D. says this in her book,
Adolescence: The Farewell to Childhood "The
ceremonies for boys are frequently derived from
some idea of separation from the world of women and
children. At one or another moment over a period of
time the boy is required to give up his emotional
attachment to his mother--who weeps for him. He
becomes attached to all men. He abandons his
boyhood sports and games along with his domestic
ties to his mother. After the ceremony of severing
the bonds of childhood the boy is instructed by a
designated sponsor or group of teachers in the
duties and moral responsibilities of his
community."
Today's boys and adolescents need strong,
consistent, caring, initiated, older men as male
models. If our youth can get the mentoring and
blessings from these older men, perhaps we can turn
the tide and raise healthy adolescent boys who will
chose life and living instead of death and
destruction. I sure hope so for all of us.
Male-Female
Communication
We all know that men and women communicate
differently. There are many books like Men are from
Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. Getting
The Love You Want and Keeping The Love You Have by
Dr. Hendrix. The Seven Habits of Highly Successful
Marriage by Dr. Gottman is another excellent book.
There is even a series of CD's and books by David
Deida: The Way of the Superior Man and several
others that deal with male-female communication.
All are valid and worth reading.
While this deals with male-female communication,
it could also be applied to female-female and
male-male communication. Whether married or single,
most of these communication struggles affect all
types of relationships, gay or straight. The
commonality is the ability to communicate one's
needs effectively in a non-violent way and free of
irrational emotion or demands. I might mention
another expert on communication: Marshal Rosenberg,
Ph.D. who founded the Center for Non-Violent
Communication. Dr. Rosenberg helps couples,
institutions, war- torn countries, et al. to
examine their needs and identify them; he claims
that once one identifies their needs that he can
solve most conflicts within 20 minutes. This may
seem grandiose but I've listened to his CD's and
read some of his books and his methods seem very
logical and sound.
So, positive communication is a major key to
improving male-female interaction but sometimes,
it's not enough. This is why I do men's work and
support men's groups: church groups like Promise
Keepers, Unitarian Men's Fellowhip and the Mankind
Project, to name a few groups. There are many more.
I believe women need their groups: church related
or female drumming groups or support groups or
quilting groups, etc. There are some things that
are passed between a same gender group that can't
be transmitted by simply male-female couples
therapy. Having run men's groups for over 10 years,
I can tell you that something powerful happens
among men in their own healing group that can't be
supplied by the opposite sex and the same is true
for women. That is why I believe women have been
healthier than men for thousands of years in many
ways. They've always communicated in small and
large groups with mothers, sisters, friends, aunts,
grandmothers in ways that men have not. Men are
learning how to adapt female connectedness to their
groups and male friendships and I believe this has
helped add years to their lives.
©2009, Michael
Shaffran
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