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Bachelorism - like it's a bad thing?
Why he’s not the marrying type
Why he’s not the marrying type
Every holiday, every birthday, every major event, Sharon was on pins and needles. Would Brendan finally pop the question, produce a ring and ask her to marry him? And every holiday, every birthday, every major event, he didn’t.
Friends began to scoff at her and her family reminded her that her biological clock was clicking away.
On a cold winter morning, Sharon came to a harsh but honest realization. Brendan just wasn’t the marrying kind. She got the courage to ask him why. “It turns out he still had deep emotional scars from his parents’ divorce when he was a child,” she says. “He felt that marriage was too risky, too painful—so why bother?”
Sharon suggested counseling and even a trial period of living together, but Brendan wouldn’t budge. After more than a decade of dating, Sharon broke it off with Brendan. “I realized he truly wasn’t the marrying type and that wasn't going to change,” she says. “I just wish I’d known sooner.”
In addition to coming from divorced parents, there are others reasons why some guys aren’t cut out for marriage. Consider these other signs that a man is a confirmed bachelor… and if you’re dating a fella whose description follows, you might want to pack up your tent the way Sharon finally did:
He needs his space
Some men aren’t comfortable sharing their space and possessions with a woman, let alone the sticky, smelly children that may come along. Here are a few signs that he prefers to be isolated: He’s a perfectionist, he’s extremely well-organized and his place is cleaner and better decorated than yours is. He needs lots of time to read. He doesn’t want to be disturbed at all when watching the History Channel or the playoffs. You get the picture.
He’s married to his work
Some guys live to work, not work to live. If his job is ever present, whether it’s frequent business trips or constant shop talk, chances are the job will take priority over a marriage.
“Bill made it clear that if we even talked about marrying, the relationship would be built around his work,” says Barb, an accountant. “That was ironic, in that I made more money than he did.” For some men, though, the relationship has to wrap itself around the job. They cancel dinner plans with another couple when work beckons and just can’t make it out of town on Labor Day because they need to catch up on paperwork. If that’s how he approaches his life, do you really want to buy into that?
He’s been married before and got burned
Some guys refuse to look at their failed marriage as a “starter marriage” and instead are reluctant to saddle up again. A trial period together may help, but he’ll need a lot of pampering and therapy to get over his shell shock. And some men embody the “once burned, twice shy” saying. If he’s always referring to his ex with a variety of put-downs and expletives, you are probably with a guy who’s too angry to move forward.
Also, a guy who’s paying alimony may be feeling as if he never again wants to be financially vulnerable in that way. “I once got serious with a guy who was previously married and his big fear was being driven into bankruptcy again,” recalls Marcia. “That’s what kept him away from the altar.”
He has gray hair, but he’s still a 22-year-old emotionally
Some guys never get past the incredible feeling of independence that comes with being able to stay up as late as they would like to, eat whatever they want, drop their dirty laundry wherever they want and not get yelled at. That’s a hard pattern to break. If his “boys” call the shots on the weekend, if being hung-over many mornings is fine with him, and if paying his taxes is something you have to orchestrate for him, well, your bachelor may be destined to stay that way.
Source: Jim Sulski is a Chicago-based freelance
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