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Manimony: Alimony for dudes
Recession special: Are women dating for free food?
Some ex-wives have to pay 'manimony'Story Highlights
Are women dating for free food?
Every time the news is a little slow, I see yet another article featuring some fresh-faced Manhattan-dwelling Steve Stifflip or Polly Patrician who is considering the move to (gasp!) Brooklyn or even (double gasp!) Queens. He or she whines about the miseries of making ends meet on a mere $80,000 a year, not being able to afford organic radicchio, only being able to eat out once or twice a week, and having to postpone this year's trip to Europe. As I slog through this nonsense, I find myself wondering if I could get a bill passed that would make it legal to eat the rich.
Sometimes I hate people. There, I've said it.
Recently, though, I've seen a new low. In an article in AM New York, a young lady who lives in Central Park West (a very ritzy neighborhood) talked about how she's surviving the recession. In addition to attending book signings, free museum days, and other inexpensive outings, she noted that she's "Really upped the dating [...] I tend to date chivalrous types who can take me out to nice places. It's helped me survive the recession."
Hold on a minute: did she say what I think she said? Admittedly, I've been out of the dating pool for a couple of years, but since when is this legit? Granted, I bought a lot of meals for potential girlfriends, but, after the first couple of outings, most of the women that I dated became uncomfortable with the patriarchal aspects of the "man paying for dinner" phenomenon. We'd alternate, go dutch, or make home-cooked meals for each other. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but using your date as a source for free food seems particularly mercenary. At what point did it become acceptable to use a young swain to subsidize one's food expenditures? More to the point, I have to wonder if this young women's gentlemen callers read AM New York!
Basically, my biggest question is this: is this a new trend or the world's oldest profession?
Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around
cheapskate. He has his standards: he won't put out if someone takes
him to Mickey D's. It's Wendy's or nothing, baby!
Manimony: Alimony for dudes
Men who declined to ask for manimony despite having a spouse who earned significantly more cited several factors including being able to take care of themselves and fear of asking for too much after already getting custody for a significant period of time. One reason for the trend to offering financial support is that more males have become primary caregivers, putting careers on hold while they took care of the children and home.
No matter what your view on divorce is I hope you can agree that men should get a fair shake if they are on the bottom end of the relationship bread winning. I can't help but be impressed by the courts treating men equally in this regard. It would be nice to see if they could find it in their hearts to keep in mind that the equipment in your pants shouldn't automatically disqualify you from custody or auto qualify you for child support.
Don't forget a divorce can wreak havoc on your finances, so plan
accordingly. Have a differing opinion on "manimony"? Sound off
Some ex-wives have to pay 'manimony'Story Highlights
When Susan Harris divorced her husband of five and a half years last December, she got the apartment, extra closet space and the covers all to herself.
Her ex? He got $37,440.
That money is being doled out in 48 monthly alimony payments. Or, as it's called in some circles, "manimony."
Over the course of the couple's marriage, Harris, 31, who makes more than $100,000 working in ad sales in Alameda, California, brought in more than two-thirds of the household income, while her ex-husband (who declined to comment for this article) worked toward becoming a credentialed teacher.
The couple had no children or joint property other than a rental apartment. When things started getting rocky in the relationship around year two, Harris was loath to end things, partially because she was concerned that she'd be obligated to continue supporting him financially, even though he was employed.
Her concerns were well founded. Legally - under state laws - both women and men are entitled to alimony if there's a large discrepancy in spousal income.
However, that doesn't mean men seek alimony.
"Thirty-three percent of higher-earning spouses are women, but fewer than four percent of alimony payers are women," says Ned Holstein, president of Fathers & Families, a family-court reform organization in Boston, citing U.S. Census Bureau data.
Finances of marriage
For most of the history of marriage, money changed hands before the ceremony, often in the form of dowries. But as divorce started to become more common in the 1900s, so did post-separation monetary agreements.
"Traditionally, marriage was a financial arrangement. Joining hands in marriage meant joining bank accounts, and bank accounts were largely in the hands of men," says Roderick Phillips, a professor of history at Carleton University in Ottawa, and author of "Untying the Knot: A Short History of Divorce."
"The trend in the 20th century has been to allow women to recover what they had before the marriage and to compensate them for anything they sacrificed during the marriage," says Phillips.
The Uniform Marriage and Divorce Act of 1970 gave men as well as women the right to ask for alimony. Up until the 1980s, however, there were only a handful of cases in the U.S. in which a woman was ordered to give money to her spouse in a divorce case. However, "in recent years there's been a greater movement towards gender equality," says Phillips.
'I'm a man! I can take care of myself'
Some husbands have settled for increased custody instead of going to the mat for money, says Holstein.
"I hear a lot of men say, 'She earns way more than I do, but I wasn't going to ask for alimony because I get the kids 40 percent of the time and I don't want to rock the boat.' Then there are a lot of men who are just ashamed to ask for it."
Nancy Chemtob, a divorce attorney and a founding partner of Chemtob Moss Forman & Talbert, a New York City law firm that focuses on divorce, family and matrimonial law, agrees. "Men don't brag about it, and women aren't proud of it."
"I think men are chided for not making money and women are not. It's not even brought up if a woman in court says she is not working. Where if it is a man, it's brought up, says Chemtob. "The law is equal, but... the mentality isn't."
Mark Berlin, 45, an office manager at Office Depot in Chicago, was awarded $250 a month in alimony on top of $925 a month in child support when he divorced the mother of his two sons in 2005.
"I didn't really even want the alimony, but she made more than me and [the court] said that's what she had to pay," says Berlin. He puts the payments, which will continue through 2010, into college savings for his kids.
"I do think that there shouldn't be discrimination against one sex or the other, says Berlin. "Still, when I first realized she was going to be paying me, I felt very embarrassed. I felt like, 'I'm a man! I can take care of myself!'"
Changing times, changing attitudes
Not all women resent paying money to their exes -- and not all men feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end. As the number of alimony cases increases, attitudes are gradually beginning to change.
Jeffrey Leving, an Illinois divorce lawyer and author of the book "Fathers' Rights" attributes a rising trend in women paying spousal support in part to an increased number of fathers serving as primary caregivers.
"I also think that there are more men wanting to function as the sole parent and raise children than ever before," says Leving. "It's becoming more socially acceptable for men to be primary parents."
Chemtob says close to one-tenth of her clients are women who pay alimony to their exes. "When I first started 14 years ago, that number was zero," she says.
For the last two years Alexis Martin Neely, a family lawyer and author of the financial planning guide "Wear Clean Underwear," has paid her ex-husband between $1,300 and $2,000 a month in alimony -- in addition to child support. During their six-year marriage, he was a stay-at-home dad. Currently he is unemployed and has custody of the children half the time.
"I'm grateful to be able to support him being able to spend time
with the kids," says Neely, who is 34 and lives with her two children
in Hermosa Beach, California. "It's just money -- I can always make
money. But I see people embroiled in conflict for years of their
life, and that's something you can't ever get back."