Marriage Therapy

Menstuff® has compiled the following information on Marriage.

Marriage (MFCC) Therapists - Good or Not-So-Good?
Confessions of an Unabashed Marriage Saver
Marital Therapy

Marriage (MFCC) Therapists - Good or Not-So-Good?

A recent New York Times article warned people about the potential risks of seeking professional help for their marriages. It is without question that many, if not most therapists are not trained to offer marriage-friendly therapy. In fact, many therapists see divorce as a rite of passage. Unfortunately, people in the throes of marital problems aren't always able to recognize that they are being nudged right out of their relationships in the name of personal growth. But it happens.

Nonetheless, it's important not throw the baby out with the bath water. There are some therapists who really make a difference in couples lives. Not all therapists are created equal.

Here are some guidelines to consider when seeking professional help to improve one's marriage.

Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting in the office. This definition of couples therapy is ludicrous. You can’t identify the type of therapy that is taking place by doing a head count. Marital therapy requires very different skills from doing individual therapy. Individual therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They assist them in achieving personal goals. Couples therapists, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need to know what makes marriages tick. A therapist can be very skilled as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples change. For this reason, don’t be shy. Ask your therapist about his or her training and experience.
Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask him or her to give you a ballpark figure about the percentage of couples he or she works with who leave with their marriages intact and are happier as a result of therapy. Although your therapist is unlikely to have a specific answer to that question, his or her reaction will speak volumes. You should end up feeling confident that your therapist’s primary goal is to help you work out your problems so that you can remain together.
You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist- that he or she understands your perspective and feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that’s not acceptable. No one should feel ganged up on. Good marriage therapists understand both sides of the story and help couples negotiate solutions. If you aren’t comfortable with something your therapist is suggesting- like setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage- say so. If your therapist honors your feedback, that’s a good sign. If not, leave.
The therapist’s own values about relationships definitely plays a part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist. Also, although some people think that their therapists are able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on his or her marriage, therapists really don’t have this sort of knowledge. If they say things like, “It seems that you are incompatible,” or “Why are you willing to put up with this,?” or “It is time to move on with your life,” they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an unethical act, in my opinion.
Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on. If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them. If you don’t begin to see some progress or start to feel somewhat better within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.
It’s my belief that couples in crisis don’t have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation. If he or she isn’t willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will.
Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don’t let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.
Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it. If he or she isn’t, you’ll know that too. Don’t stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who will help you swim.
Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth. Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It increases the odds you’ll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.

So don’t give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the judge. There’s a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find simple solutions to life’s complicated problems.

Source: To interview Michele Weiner-Davis, Author of the newly released paperback, The Sex Starved Marriage and Divorce Remedy, call The Divorce Busting Center, 800-664-24353 or 815-337-8000 DBUSTING@aol.com

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The "Marriage Penalty" has nothing to do with taxes.

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