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"Wandering Eyes"
Does He Have a Wandering Eye?
Soon after that, the attractive waitress shimmied across the room and plunked two menus down on your table. After she recited the specials, you turned to your guy, intending to negotiate the appetizer selection. Just as you were about to ask him if he'd rather have the mussels or the calamari, your mouth snapped shut.
Why? Because he was staring at the server's cleavage. Not looking ... not glancing ... staring. Needless to say, the good vibes were shattered, Barolo or no Barolo. So what exactly is going on when a guy ogles other women? And does it always mean that a relationship with a man like this is doomed, doomed, doomed? Read on for advice.
Is ogling ever OK?
Many a man has been busted by his date for checking out that woman at the bar, at the grocery store, or at the office holiday party, and many a man has attempted to wriggle off the hook by saying, "What?! I'm not blind, you know … " That may seem like a pretty bogus defense, but Andrea Lavinthal, co-author of The Hook-Up Handbook: A Single Girl's Guide To Living It Up, doesn't dismiss that excuse entirely. "Nowhere in the official relationship handbook does it say that you have to be totally blind to other people," she says. "I mean, who can ignore the salespeople at Abercrombie & Fitch? I don't know anyone who shops there for the clothes. It's natural to stare. For a little while."
In truth, the length of the ogle (not that you're timing it or anything) does matter. Lingering looks are a real no-no, says Dr. Gilda Carle, relationship expert and author of Don't Bet On The Prince!How To Have The Man You Want By Betting On Yourself. "There's curious looking, and there's out-and-out gawking," she says. "The first is normal and healthy; the second is disgusting and insulting—especially when you're in your date's presence." And Lavinthal expounds further, noting, "Is your date just casually checking out a cutie and then resuming gazing into your eyes, which is not a big deal, or is he drooling all over himself and completely spacing out what your name is? Because that is a problem."
Can you live with it?
Some feel that if you trust your mate, appreciating another's beauty shouldn't be a problem. "Trust is really important," Lavinthal says. "If you know your man isn't a cheater, then let him have a little fun by looking at other people. It comes down to the old 'look but don't touch' adage. As long as he keeps his hands to himself, I don't see a problem. If this issue really bugs you, then it's best to be honest and let your boyfriend know that his fascination with others is not appreciated or acceptable. If he continues to behave badly and it's making you crazy, then it's probably best to break up," advises Lavinthal, adding with a laugh, "or if you really love him, invest in one of those cone-shaped plastic head things that dogs wear."
When you can't stand his roving eye
If you're not the kind who can make light of this situation, then heed this advice. Says Dr. Gilda, "Gawking is a put-down to the person in your presence. If a woman continues to stand for a guy doing it and hopes it will change, she's in fantasyland." So here's her advice: Don't confront him with "you" language, as in, "You are doing this," "You are not a good boyfriend," "You are embarrassing me ... " Instead, communicate your feelings: "I feel insignificant when you flirt with other women in front of me." This will allow for a conversation you can both learn and grow from, rather than a major screeching match.
Also, try to get your guy to think and talk about why he
constantly needs to check out other women. Perhaps this is a habit
leftover from hanging out with his buddies or brothers during his
high-school or college days. Maybe he's insecure and is hoping to get
some positive acknowledgment from the women he's drooling over.
Whatever the case, if you both become more aware of his actions and
their impact, you've got a great chance of getting past this and onto
happier terrain ... where he's making total eye contact with you.
Source: By Alan Goldsher, boomers.msn.com/articleDP.aspx?cp-documentid=413669>1=10444
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