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This article in the 6-7/01 issue of Girls'
Life is subtitled "Is it sexual harassment...or
just friendly flirting?" The story, written by a 14
year old girl, gives an example of a situation in
school where the girl was being touched on the knee
by a male friend and she was saying no but smiling
and somewhat joking about it. It was suggested that
she make it clear, with a serious tone, that it
isn't a game (one that is often played, which makes
this whole thing very confusing for many young
men), and that she doesn't want to be touched. It
seemed like an appropriate solution rather than
charging him with sexual harassment. If he gets the
message, the situation has solved itself without
shame or criminal action. If he doesn't get the
message, then telling a teacher or parents would be
the next step. The best part, she said, was that
she learned skills to deal with the situation
herself. She gained confidence and felt empowered
and knows that now she can confront someone else
who makes her feel uncomfortable. And, the two
remained good friends. This way everyone seems to
win.
One of the most powerful workshops I ever
attended was at a Men & Masculinity
conference in Seattle a number of years ago. Some
staff members from the local Rape Crisis Center put
it on. It is the first time that there seemed to be
a realistic approach to the situation, making it
clear the difference between sexual harassment and
simple flirting. The thing I have missed over the
years is the flirting and the playfulness of a
beginning relationship. Things seem to have gotten
so serious. This workshop brought hope back that we
could have fun again and at the same time honor the
line between flirting and harmless touching and the
act of sexual harassment. Teaching the difference
between playing a game and being real. Stopping
saying No but continuing to flirt like maybe it's
maybe. What we say is "Only Yes Means Yes." When
the game is taken out of it, then it is clear that
"No." means No.
* * *
Men don't understand that caged feeling. But women
know what sexual harassment is. It's when your neck
hairs stand up, when you feel like you're being
stalked. - Susan Marshall
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