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January
Possessive and Controlling
I wanted to send a warning out to all of my
relationship-seeking friends concerning the nature
of a potentially possessive and controlling new
companion. It might seem that your new boyfriend or
girlfriend has a small insecurity problem and you
might even think it is cute when he or she sticks
by your side, asks you all sorts of personal
questions, wants all of the details of your past
relationships and demands to know whom you talk to.
You might even be flattered by all of the sudden
attention. But I want you to stop and seriously
assess your relationship if your new partner is
coming on a bit too strong. There might be a very
serious and negative drawback to this behavior.
When you first get involved with someone who is
a bit pushy you may be so turned off you will end
up walking away. But every so often you come across
what seems to be the greatest person you have ever
met, and even though he or she is a little bit
“over the top”, you don't care because
you are falling in love with that person
irregardless of his or her possessive nature. You
can't help it, everyone falls in love from time to
time. If that person is seriously falling in love
with you too, that is why he/she is treating you in
such a controlling manner. However, their feelings
are coming out in a controlling form due to a much
deeper philosophy.
Pretty soon that person is checking your email,
demanding to know which ex-lover you still speak
to, asking who you speak to at work who might be of
the opposite sex and more. The attention flatters
you and you might even fall deeper in love because
you are convinced that this attention means that
they are really serious about you! You get the good
attention along with the bad. He or she talks about
the future a lot, maybe even mentions marriage and
says how obsessed and in love they are with you.
Its a great feeling! You become entranced in the
relationship and you might even become fused into
one person as time goes on. Their reasons for why
they are so worried about your affairs seem
genuine. He or she is only concerned about your
intent, right?
Then the relationship goes up a notch. Your
obsessed and possessive partner asks you not to
talk to certain people of the opposite sex, mainly
your exes, you can't go out for a night with your
girlfriends or guy friends, he or she calls you
constantly, your phone calls, text messages and
emails are continuously monitored and pretty soon
it gets to the point where you are not even allowed
to speak to someone of the opposite sex. At first
you might resist. But after much persuasion by your
lover, you begin to see his or her side of the
situation, and the intentions start to look noble.
He or she might tell you that it is a simple matter
of respect for the relationship, and that he or she
would do the exact same thing for you if only
asked. You begin to believe that your behavior has
been wrong this whole entire time and that you must
change it. After that, it all goes downhill from
there. You fall into a co-dependent state within
the relationship. Pretty soon, all you know is your
lover. You have been isolated from any and all of
your friends and you begin to depend on your lover
emotionally. That is when the floor drops right
beneath your feet with the noose tight around your
neck.
There is a main and fundamental reason why your
loved one was acting so suspicious, controlling and
possessive. The reason why, and I am sure you have
heard this before, is because he or she is afraid
you will treat them they way they are prone to
behave. For example, if your man or woman is
suspicious of you flirting with other people, that
is because your lover is the real flirt. If they
are afraid you are talking to exes, that is because
they do it all the time. And trust me, if your
lover tells you that he or she would do the same
for you when asking you to cut off communications
with a particular person, trust me....they won't.
And of course the same goes for cheating. If your
loved one is constantly worried or suspicious that
you might cheat, guess why? Your lover is prone to
cheating. You might think that this is different in
your case. You might think that, “No, he or
she only acts this way because my lover is crazy
about me!”. I hate to break it to you, but
that is not the real reason why. It is true that
this person might be, and probably is, crazy about
you! But there are deeper reasons for this insane
behavior. He or she is worried that you might cheat
because that person holds the cheating heart.
What often happens next is that you find out
about your partner's true lifestyle and behavior
after he or she already has you in their grip. You
have become emotionally dependent on them, and then
you find out that you have been betrayed time and
time again without you ever knowing it. When that
happens, your world crumbles. You imagined that
your lover would never ever hurt you or betray you,
not after they preached about the importance of
honesty and fidelity for so long! You will get hurt
by even the smallest of betrayals because it hurts
your ego. You have become so emotionally dependent
on that person that you use that person to make you
feel good about yourself. Therefore, they might not
even intend to hurt you and you still get hurt!
This is why emotional dependency is wrong. You, and
only you, are the one person who should be making
yourself happy about you, not your lover. To be
honest, it gets worse from there. You feel betrayed
and incredibly hurt and you end up taking it out on
your lover. You become just as controlling as they
were and start to ask them to do the same kind of
things for you. It doesn't work because he or she
will not comply and will even start to back away.
This will infuriate you more because you are so
emotionally involved and attached in the
relationship. It is at this point where you need to
seek help because it will only get worse if you do
not. It could lead to depression and even deeper
psychiatric problems. At the very least, it will
leave you in a detached state of general
unhappiness and bad feelings.
A person in this situation needs to break free.
It does not mean you have to break free from the
relationship. There are many things that can be
overcome and if love is true, the relationship will
prevail. But a person dealing with the loss of his
or her control over the emotional life needs to
work on restoring that independence and it can be
as simple as making a conscious effort. No longer
will you let him or her dominate your personal
life, you will end up getting back your social life
and you will make an effort to realize that you do
not need that person to make you happy. You can do
that all on your own.
©2009, The Advice
Diva
* * *
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago. - Bernard Berenson
Diva Rebecca
has a long and exciting history of when it comes to
love, dating and relationships. Friends and
associates would come to her for advice and
naturally she became the Advice Diva. Having a
socialite status in the big city she decided to put
her expertise down in writing. The Diva does not
claim to be an expert or have certifications in
this area. She explores her own thoughts and
feelings and uses her own opinions formed through
her own experiences. The
company Advice Through Experience was founded and
she wrote four successful e-books published on the
A.T.E. website aptly named www.AdviceDiva.com
They are
Getting Him
or Her Back,
The Divine
Secrets of the Dating Game,
What Women
Really Want and
For Women
Only: How to be Fabulous!
Diva Rebecca’s website is also
host to an online advice column. The column is
completely free and a fun tool for everyone. She
puts some of the posts online in an anonymous form.
The success of her online advice column has led to
the creation of monthly articles for a variety of
printed and online magazines. For questions and
comments contact The Advice Diva at
E-Mail.
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