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April
Thou Shalt Not Snoop
One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a
relationship is snooping. We are all guilty of it.
We have all been suspicious of our partner's
activities and have resorted to digging through the
personal effects of our lover's life trying to find
proof that the suspicionswe feel are not unfounded.
Unfortunately, it is the actual act of snooping,
and not that innocent love letter you found which
was written 10 years ago and before you two even
met, which will cause strain, harm and even end the
relationship. In most cases, the snooping itself is
the real crime, not any evidence you might
find.
Everyone who has been in a real and committed
relationship has resorted to snooping in one sense
or another. Don't worry about it, I am not
condemning you. It is normal and we are all curious
about the ones we love. We all have a normal desire
to make sure that we can really trust the person
who is in charge of our hearts. We worry that if
our beloved is not being honest or faithful, our
heart will be broken. Is he or she lying about
anything or being devious behind our backs?
Sometimes the curiosity or belief is so great that
we cannot help ourselves and we begin a slow
process of invading our loved one's privacy.
The problem with snooping is evident. Most
likely you have convinced yourself that your mate
has been untrue. Instead of believing him or her
when that person tells you nothing is going on, you
decide to go through all personal belongings to
prove your intuitions are correct. You might go
through his or her private papers, his or her desk
and private drawers, check through incoming and
outgoing phone call lists and even try to break
into his or her email and view online activities.
When you start to rummage through your lover's
personal belongings, a mental switch flips in your
head. You become entranced and almost hell bent on
finding some artifact which might prove that he or
she has been deceptive in the integrity of your
relationship. When that happens, the smallest and
most innocent finding could be turned into a
monumental grievance in your own head. In short,
you start making mountains out of molehills. If you
start snooping through your lover's personal
effects, you will always find something you don't
like. And to make it worse, you might then even
convince yourself that he or she was hiding this
piece of evidence from you purposefully. Does this
sound familiar?
If you do find something that is upsetting to
you and you feel as if your partner has been untrue
in some way, the evidence you found will only harm
your relationship. You think that by digging out
parts of his or her private life will help your
relationship. What you seek is to know every little
dark and dirty secret, unveil any sins and bring
them to light and then demand that he or she make
it up to you. It is almost as if you want some sort
of vindication and you believe that outing any past
misgivings will cause your lover to break down, beg
forgiveness if needed and reaffirm his or love for
you. Well, that is the exact opposite of what is
going to happen. Instead, your beloved will only be
completely irritated with you for snooping. You
have no excuse for this. And it will make matters
even worse if what you found is really
insignificant. Instead of your lover becoming more
open with you, which is what you desire, your
paramour will only retreat into more privacy and
will keep a tighter grip on his or her personal
life. Passwords and codes will be changed and doors
will be locked. Why on earth should he or she let
you in if all your are going to do is try to find
something to yell at him or her about?
In a healthy, loving and trusting relationship
neither one of you will keep any locked doors.
Meaning, neither one of you will keep anything
hidden from the other person. This is what will
prevent any snooping in the future. If you are in a
serious and committed relationship, you should make
sure that your lover never has anything to worry
about. It is almost as if your lives fuse into one
and secrets are not kept. You still need to have a
personal life but you can do so without
purposefully hiding things or keeping secrets. Make
sure the one you love has all of your passwords and
pass code, be sure and tell them about anything
naughty that you might still have (anything from
old love letters to porn on your computer), make
sure that your lover is always invited out when you
go out with your friends and family and do not keep
any secret relations with people that you should
not be in touch with. If it is a serious
relationship you want, then you need to learn how
to live in one and promote a healthy relationship.
If you do not, your lover will become increasingly
agitated, will begin to argue with you on trivial
matters, will undoubtedly become suspicious and
will eventually resort to snooping. However, if you
unlock all doors to your lover, he or she will
never have reason to doubt you. The trust will grow
and grow to the point that he or she will never
doubt you and will never have the desire to snoop.
Voila....you have just created your own personal
space which will never be violated by your lover
because there is no need.
Finally, if there are too many tell tale signs
in your relationship which are causing you to have
the urge to snoop, you should have a talk with your
lover to discuss them. Sometimes you don't need
intuition to know that your lover is being
dishonest. For example, when your lover steps out
of the room to talk to someone or quickly hangs up
when you enter, if he or she refuses to ever let
you see his or her email, if he or she never brings
you out with his or her friends and things of this
nature, of course you have good reason to believe
that this person is hiding things from you. If you
bring these issues up to your lover and get little
to no response or a defensive response, you can
pretty much assume that he or she is hiding
important things from you. When a person is this
secretive in a relationship, he or she is hiding
many things from you. You don't need to snoop to
figure this out. Either demand that he or she
change his ways and let you in completely or just
leave because this is not a healthy relationship.
But don't resort to snooping if you still want to
keep working on you relationship. It will only make
you upset and cause the relationship to crumble. If
you decide you want to leave but don't have a good
enough reason, go ahead and snoop. Most likely you
will find some incriminating evidence which you can
use as an excuse for saying goodbye.
©2009, The Advice
Diva
* * *
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago. - Bernard Berenson
Diva Rebecca
has a long and exciting history of when it comes to
love, dating and relationships. Friends and
associates would come to her for advice and
naturally she became the Advice Diva. Having a
socialite status in the big city she decided to put
her expertise down in writing. The Diva does not
claim to be an expert or have certifications in
this area. She explores her own thoughts and
feelings and uses her own opinions formed through
her own experiences. The
company Advice Through Experience was founded and
she wrote four successful e-books published on the
A.T.E. website aptly named www.AdviceDiva.com
They are
Getting Him
or Her Back,
The Divine
Secrets of the Dating Game,
What Women
Really Want and
For Women
Only: How to be Fabulous!
Diva Rebecca’s website is also
host to an online advice column. The column is
completely free and a fun tool for everyone. She
puts some of the posts online in an anonymous form.
The success of her online advice column has led to
the creation of monthly articles for a variety of
printed and online magazines. For questions and
comments contact The Advice Diva at
E-Mail.
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