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Sibling
Rivalry
Sibling rivalry can appear vicious in some
families. Bantering, insults and sabotage can be
great sport even in families that adore each other.
A new stepparent falls into carefully laid traps by
gaming children and occasionally, even their
spouses are in cahoots with their children against
the newcomer. When you, as a new spouse, joins an
existing family, you enter a world of intricate
games without a rule book.
Although the result can be
a feeling of estrangement, these awkward attempts
to include the new spouse in conflict resolution
is, in actuality, a good sign. The new stepparent
must step back and realize when you receive the
blame for something that you had nothing to do
with, that you must never overreact. The ball has
been tossed to you. Even if the ball hits you
squarely on the nose because you were not prepared,
you have fallen deeply into a pit of sibling
rivalry and fierce competition for the time and
affection of the parent. That is a positive
inclusion even though it feels like you've been
punched in the face.
Catch the ball gently and
toss it back, with little or no reaction or opinion
as to the outcome of today's issue or battles. Do
not cop an attitude. Do not try to be a star
quarterback yet, just participate a little in the
game. Mostly you will be ignored, blamed and
scorned as any newest family member experiences.
Yes, you are the little brother or sister in a
family dynamic, even though you were hoping to be
the leader-mother or leader-father. Over time that
will change but it can takes years especially with
insensitive stepparents more concerned with their
"rights" then their intrusion.
Support your spouse and
let them take the lead with parenting their
children for at least the first year of blending.
If a child is standing directly on your toes or
your feelings you get to cry out but save the
discipline for someone that the children are used
to listening to and obeying. Avoid blaming your
spouse for the behavior of competitive and ruthless
children trying to retain their power and influence
with their parent. They are just normal kids that
some day you will love.
Eventually, you will
understand the unique game that is your new family
and you will acquire the position and power that
you seek given as a gift of love, not a hostile
takeover.
©2009, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. She is an
authority on relationship and psychological topics,
a member of the American Psychological Association
and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly
has appeared as an expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in
O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com,
Match.com, Women's Health and Women's World. Please
visit: www.askdrmolly.com
or Take the new relationship compatibility test,
Match Lines Systems for Successful Relationships
for Singles, Couples and Business at
www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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