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Divorced But Not Over
It?
The divorce may be final but is the left over pain
and anger still eating you up? Here are ten tips to
help to process the hurt and get on with your
life.
1. Physical Damage
Prolonged anxiety, stress or agony of any kind
hurts you physically, not just emotionally. Get ye
to the track and run off the hurt, lift weights and
scream, dance until you sweat. Eat right and drink
water, not booze. Give your body a break. Self
destruction will not make the relationship recover.
If you are losing it or feeling suicidal, ask your
doctor for antidepressants for a few
months.
2. Think in Terms of
Success If you managed to have a relationship,
any relationship, even if it ended badly, at least
you have known passion, partnership and perhaps,
parenthood. All that may include pain, too. Would
you rather have never felt anything for
anyone?
3. Save the
Children Are you trying to continue to be a
good parent but your ex-partner would rather
eradicate you? That situation may push desperate
panic buttons. Remember the story about Solomon and
the two mothers. Let the child live in peace and
stay as involved as you possibly can. When the
child is around ten, they see the truth. Just give
consistent, unconditional love and time will do the
rest. Never make the mistake of screaming at your
children out of frustration with your partner or
making the children the go-between.
4. Hot Anger Hot
anger is, well, hot and not that different from
passion. If you are still embroiled in someone
else’s life and what they say or do, you must
still care. If a stranger said or did similar
things would it bother you? Probably not. Admit you
still care and get some professional help
processing the left over love that is masquerading
as hate.
5. Blind to the
Next While you are pouting in the corner, your
perfect match may be watching you. If you are still
all tangled up in your old dead relationship, you
will not notice. Double loss.
6. Get Out of Town
Remove yourself from triggers that jumpstart the
feelings all over again. Take a trip to Rome or
Baltimore, anywhere that is new and different to
help put a relationship crisis in perspective. It
is only a relationship. As much as it may hurt
right now, it is not life-threatening HIV or
cancer. You will recover.
7. Numbers Reality
It is true that of all marriages in America, 50% of
first marriages end in divorce and 67% of second
and 74% of third marriages also end in divorce,
according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute
of Professional Psychology. The distribution as
shown on www.divorcerate.org/
is as follows:
Age at marriage for those
who divorce in America
|
Age
|
Women
|
Men
|
|
Under 20 years
old
|
27.6%
|
11.7%
|
|
20 to 24 years
old
|
36.6%
|
38.8%
|
|
25 to 29 years
old
|
16.4%
|
22.3%
|
|
30 to 34 years
old
|
8.5%
|
11.6%
|
|
35 to 39 years
old
|
5.1%
|
6.5%
|
Relationships are much
more difficult to hold together in this time of
stress and easy divorce, especially if you were too
young.
8. Take
Responsibility No matter how awful your
relationship may be now, you made a long series of
choices that have brought you to this place. Take
responsibility for your fifty percent of all the
decisions and also the problems. The blame game is
immature and fruitless. Learn from your mistakes
and try harder next time by selecting a more
compatible partner or by learning to be a better
partner.
9. Long Term If you
share a child, you will also share grandchildren
and great- grandchildren at weddings, graduations
and birthdays. Animosity for the past will affect
the lives of your future descendants as long as you
live or as long as you hold a grudge. Sweet
innocents will love Grandma and Grandpa and your
venom at their parties will poison them. Not fair
to the little kids. If you remain in the same town,
your friends and co-workers will have to compensate
for your botched relationship and inadequacy to
mend hurt feelings. Supervisors may read that as
inadequacy to resolve other issues and pass you by
for the next promotion. Like rings from a stone in
a pond, the bad vibes will spread all around
you.
10. Time is Short
Your life is ticking away.
Wouldn’t you rather be smiling, sailing,
hiking, discovering new miracles of science or
gardening, rather than making war?
©2009, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. She is an
authority on relationship and psychological topics,
a member of the American Psychological Association
and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly
has appeared as an expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in
O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com,
Match.com, Women's Health and Women's World. Please
visit: www.askdrmolly.com
or Take the new relationship compatibility test,
Match Lines Systems for Successful Relationships
for Singles, Couples and Business at
www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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