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Parenting Pitfalls to
Avoid with Child-Compassionate
Parenting
The process of learning parenting is rough on the
first born. Inexperienced parents can have the best
intentions and still make mistakes that have long
range negative impact on their children.
Child-Compassionate Parenting adheres to
developmental stages and provides for the healthy
personality to develop while maintaining parental
control and reason. Here are ten parenting pitfalls
to avoid.
1. Arguing in Front of
the Child Irritation and exhaustion make
parents more volatile. Complaining and bickering
may relieve some built up pressure but these anger
embers can explode into a yelling fight. Young
toddlers can be so alarmed that they may have
accidents or get ill when their parents become
angry. Screaming and anger were part of a survival
reaction when the mother deemed an intruder was
life threatening. There is no excuse for putting
this much stress on a child. Discuss adult issues
and disagreements in civil and polite tones. The
person who is yelling is trying to win an argument
by acting violent and that is unfair
fighting.
2. Sensory Overload
The body can handle millions of bits of information
intake but then it needs a break. The noise level
of children, their television programs, appliances,
pets and phones can leave a parent confused and
stressed. A fifteen minute walk, with only the
sound of the birds, can do wonders for your psyche.
When the child is safely in his or her stroller and
you are away from unimportant urgency, telephones
and chaos, then you can process and relax. A slow
stroll without any other purpose than to
“Listen to the song of life,” as
Katharine Hepburn often said. At home, if your
child is clearly in sight, make a cup of hot green
tea and sip it slowly wearing earplugs. The
combination of antioxidants and silence is healing.
Sound is a necessary warning signal, so mini breaks
only.
3. No No's As a
child ages they can learn from other peoples
mistakes, but toddlers want to experience
everything for themselves. Eliminate the
possibilities for disaster rather than spend the
precious time you have with your child saying,
“No” so many times that the child becomes
immune to the word. Save “No!” for
dangerous moments that could be life threatening.
You want that word to stop them in their tracks so
do not over use it on meaningless control issues.
If the child is drawn to Grandma’s colorful
vase, put the vase away and replace it with a
plastic object or stuffed animal. Let the child
explore, touch and occasionally taste the
room’s objects until they have learned what
they need to learn. Usually, the child only makes
one pass across everything. Follow the child
patiently helping them to explore the breakable
items, explaining that this will break so we leave
it alone. Then, put the vase up where there is no
chance of a mistake. The vase is nothing compared
to your child.
4. Swim Teach your
child to swim. “Drowning is the second leading
cause of accidental injury-related death among
children ages 1 to 14 and the leading cause of
accidental injury-related death among children ages
1 to 4.” (http://www.usa.safekids.org). Even
if you are afraid of the water yourself or hate the
amount of chlorine your child is exposed to in
public pools, teach your child to swim. Drowning is
preventable unlike a car accident or many other
accidents. Chlorine is as hard on your lungs as
your eyes so insist on better ventilation at
swimming pools especially an indoor pool with low
ceilings. Non-chlorinated disinfectants are
available and used in many European pools. But if
all you have is the local pool reeking of chlorine,
you owe your child a fighting chance to swim to
safety. Teach your child to swim now.
5. Vegans Good idea
but the human body is complicated and requires B12
and Vitamin D and fish or nut oil good fats that
can not be supplied in many limited diets. Feed
your child a variety of healthy organic foods as
often as possible but do not be too restrictive. We
only know a fraction of the intricacies of the
chemical reactions in the body and many facts
become fiction as science discovers new evidence.
Waiting for water in plastic bottles when often
municipality water is superior can lead to
dehydration and serious complications. Letting a
young child feel painful hunger pangs because the
food is not perfectly nutritious is
counterproductive to good parenting. Sometimes it
is O.K. to help the child deal with difficult
situations with a full belly of just O.K.
food.
6. Assume They are
Good See that mischievous glint in your
child’s eyes that alerts you to impending
trouble? Remember it well so that you recognize it
when as teenagers they get that same look when they
have an exciting idea. Even as you absolutely know
for certain that they are doing something wrong,
discipline means teaching. Remind them of the
consequence of disobeying you and wait to see what
they do. They will weigh the potential pleasure
reward of doing what they are thinking versus the
severity of your consequence. Typically, they will
choose pleasure. Calmly, shake your head and say I
asked you to do that and instead you did the other.
The consequence will now be this. If you are really
clever you will have already pasted the crime and
punishment on the refrigerator before it happens so
you can say, “See.” Start with very tiny
logical consequences, like a minute of time out
that matches their age and loss of gadgets and
privileges when they are older. Save the big
punishment for drug and alcohol use, stealing or
not using a condom, much later. Never use big
threats or joke with threats. When it is really
important they will not know whether you are
serious or joking.
7. You are on After
a long day of work, a couple just wants to eat,
shower and sit down. But who is watching the baby?
Never leave a child unattended. You must get a
response from the other parent acknowledging that
they are on duty before you run to the bathroom or
step outside even for a moment. When you are on,
you must prioritize your job of protecting your
child from harm over a television game, surfing the
Internet or making dinner. Make a section of a
visible room a safe play area that is baby gated
and away from obvious danger. Toddlers can stack
toys together to make an escape faster than you can
get back to your computer chair. Never leave a
child in front of a television while you go back to
sleep. They can open a door and be in the street so
quickly. You use to love to play. Perhaps, you
could play with your child joyfully for a while.
Some day they will not want you anymore. So relax
and enjoy running in the park, puppets and card
games again. When they leave for college, you can
repaint the house and get new flooring. Tolerate
messy toys, spills and other accidents.
8. Trust Building
Realities of life are extremely harsh. As humans we
must suspend the truths of our short existence. Our
vulnerable body can die in a few minutes from a cut
or a few inches of water. Knowing how to balance
protective parenting and fear inducing anxiety is
tricky. Teaching the kindness and beauty of the
world is more important than teaching the horrific
things people do to each other. If you want your
child to know Jesus, teach the wisdom of Jesus, not
the sadistic brutality of Roman gladiators nailing
a man’s hands. If you want your child to love
animals visit a zoo, or adopt a pet rather than
watching the television footage of a lioness eating
the belly of a living deer. You need to stay
informed, but the news is also on at ten after the
child is asleep. Can you really explain to them why
other parents allow their adult children’s
bodies to be contaminated and shredded in wars? Can
they believe it won't happen to them? Protect your
children’s hearts and minds at every
opportunity until they are in school where they
will learn the history of man soon
enough.
9. Nighty Night
Never use bedtime as a punishment. A child abruptly
left in a dark room to sob is abhorrent to
experienced parents and anyone who has a heart.
Such selfish parental quick fixes will result in
long term damage to trust and self esteem. If you
must punish a worn out tired child, use time out
instead. Then, begin a pleasant nighttime ritual of
bath, brushing teeth, p.j.’s, a book, a
favorite bear and blanket, a kiss and good night.
This ritual will cut down on phobias, nightmares,
guilt, anxiety and hysterically crying rejected
little children. Bedtime is one of the most loving
experiences of parenting that when done correctly
results in strong bonding.
10. Budget
Babysitters Funds are tight and so many
purchases seem important, however, spend money on a
babysitter at least once a week. Time alone with
your spouse in dating mode will help keep your love
alive. Like a delicate flower you must water, feed
and care for you living and changing love. Men need
attention from their wives and wives need nurturing
from their men. Hire a babysitter, grandparent or
older teen to play with your child while you spend
time with each other as a couple. Go play miniature
golf, or bowl or dance, feel young again, carefree
and unencumbered for a little while. The best gift
you can give your child is a stable, happy home
life, not an abundance of things or fancy schools.
Forgive in your heart the
struggles of childhood and parent with a
compassionate, not critical code of behavior.
Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. Your
reward will not be your child thanking you for your
sacrifices. Your reward will be the realization
that your parenting skills advanced forward as you
watch your grown child parent your grandchild with
Child-Compassionate Parenting.
©2009, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. She is an
authority on relationship and psychological topics,
a member of the American Psychological Association
and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly
has appeared as an expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in
O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com,
Match.com, Women's Health and Women's World. Please
visit: www.askdrmolly.com
or Take the new relationship compatibility test,
Match Lines Systems for Successful Relationships
for Singles, Couples and Business at
www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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