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Psychological
Impotence: How to avoid it. How to fix
it.
The “American Male” role is a narrow and
well-defined set of behaviors that govern men of
all ages. Starting in childhood, homophobic parents
and teachers use behavior modification to maneuver
male children with rewards and punishments designed
to make a man out of a child. Unfortunately, the
tough, unfeeling model of the fifties portrayed so
successfully by Lee Marvin, Brando , Newman and
John Wayne fails miserably in real life scenarios
of business, home, women and children.
Given an impossible and
painful strait-jacket definition of themselves, men
find that they are angry, frustrated and off their
game. Yet, there is a huge difference between
physical impotency and psychological impotency.
Check with your doctor first, but Masters and
Johnson used a common at home test that can tell
you lots. The simple test of a taping a flaccid
penis before sleep and checking in the morning for
a break in the tape is a good indicator of which
type of impotency a man experiences. You may feel a
bit ridiculous but if the tape is broken in your
sleep then there is no problem with the equipment.
We must then assume that the issue is a problem
with attitude and thinking negatively. Here are a
few steps to consider that may recover the right
attitude, your desire and confidence once
again.
1. Just Kidding
Comments from your buddies can chip away at your
self confidence. Male banter is competitive and
invigorating for most guys. But the more inadequate
your friend feels, the more likely he will take the
critical barrage to a meaner level. At some point,
the comments may cut deeply, especially about your
physical appearance or ability with partners. Get
tough on your low ego friends and shut them up.
When a friend goes too far they become a
destructive enemy and you need to draw the line.
This is a good time to pull out the John Wayne
stance (possibly the only good time for
it.)
2. Back Off Lots of
ladies have high needs for attention and low needs
for intercourse. You know what that does to you. As
you attempt to relieve your mental sexual nagging
by nagging her, watch out she may bite! In order to
get you to back off, she may say or do something
vicious. Ever watch a female dog attack a too
amorous male dog when she is not quite ready for
him. She goes for the jugular. So might your little
love-dove. What ever she says or does is meaningful
only in sending a message to you that she is not
ready for sex. Getting her ready is a minimum
twenty minutes for most, weeks for others. This has
nothing to do with loving you in the female
mind.
3. Size Counts Only to
You A wise man from Egypt once said chuckling,
that only American men try to satisfy a woman with
their penis. Other men use all the rest of
themselves, he said with a lecherous wink. Women
want to feel desired by their man and told they are
the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive. Yes,
they know you are lying, but still, she needs the
fantasy about herself to feel sexy. When you ogle
other women, she feels ugly. That will not help us
right now. She needs you to respond to her in a
caring way, but that could be just brushing her
hair or slow dancing in the living room. Ask her
how she wants you to show her you care. It will
blow your mind how unique the answers can
be.
4. She is Trying
Women love men who notice the millions of little
things they do to be attractive. They do want to
talk about their new eyelash curler and feel clever
for finding it after six hours at the mall. If you
make fun of her or demean her, she will implode
emotionally. If she does not feel good about
herself, she will not feel like turning you on,
either. Without her help, passion is difficult to
do all on your own.
5. Not Always Great
Your performance in the bedroom is not always
dependable any more than a golf swing, a
child’s reaction, the outcome of dinner or the
rest of your life can be. However, your reaction is
completely within your control. Try other pleasure
methods, massage, love words, toys etc. and enjoy
what you can. Some women never achieve an orgasm
but enjoy lovemaking anyway. So can you.
6. Work on Your
Waist Your physical shape can predispose you to
more frequent problems, which in turn can lead to
emotional panic and fear that it will happen again,
thus virtually guaranteeing that it happens again.
The pressure and stress you put on yourself is a
disaster and unnecessary. A lose-lose, right? Check
with your doctor about losing the gut because fat
increases estrogen and reduces testosterone and
starts an avalanche of health problems for men.
Have your old resistant doctor test your hormone
levels and prescribe some hormone drops if your
body needs it.
7. Tell Her At
first you may try to increase stimulation with
pornography and risky behavior and that might even
work- temporarily. But how far can you go on that
road? Skip the diseases and divorce. Ask your
partner to be happy when you can perform and
supportive, not critical when you can not.
Remember, she is overwhelmed with her own feeling
of inadequacy. Her worst fear is that you are
avoiding her because she is not desirable, never
suspecting that it is your own anxiety that is
creating distance between the two of you. You are a
man, not a machine. You do cry, get scared and fail
sometimes. Really, that is so much sexier than a
wooden heart.
©2007, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. She is an
authority on relationship and psychological topics,
a member of the American Psychological Association
and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly
has appeared as an expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in
O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com,
Match.com, Women's Health and Women's World. Please
visit: www.askdrmolly.com
or www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly also has a radio program, Your
Relationship Answers. See www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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