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After 10 years, The
At-Home Dad Newsletter has moved into the blog
arena
The End of the At-Home Dad
Convention
Exclusive At-Home Dad Survey Results
I'll have some
prolactin with lactation on the side
please
New name needed for
dads
US Census Strikes
again
The End of the At-Home Dad
Convention
After a ten year reign, Bob Frank's At-Home Dad
Convention has come to an end. It all started 11
years ago with a phone call from Bob pitching the
idea and offering Oakton College as a venue. Using
the mailing list of the (hardcopy) At-Home Dad
Newsletter we sent out a mailing and got over 80
dads plus to attend the first convention. It was
exciting for Bob to pull off such a stunt. And even
though it lost money for the College, the event
caught the attention of the national press and gave
hope to the at-home dads across the country. Bob,
Bruce Drobeck, and I had talked of ending it last
year at the ninth convention and we came close to
announcing it. We hadn't changed a diaper in years,
and although we still felt we were doing our daddy
duties when the kids come home we were going though
very different experiences then the rookie dads we
saw at the conventions. We knew it was time to move
on, but simply it was hard to let go... so we went
on another year. When Barry Reszel who had done a
fabulous job as the program coordinator made his
announcement to step down, it was an easy decision
for Bob to make.
I'd like to share the following comments Barry
sent out in a e-mail sent out today.
With sadness I write to tell you the 10th Annual
At-Home Dads' Convention this past November, 2005
was the last-at least in the format and at the
location we have come to associate with this
event.
Though Brian Chalmers stepped forward to
volunteer as lead convention coordinator (and for
that, I express sincere gratitude), Dr. Bob Frank
and Oakton Community College have decided not to
host the event going forward. The summary reason is
that it's been a great 10-year run, but Bob is
looking to do other things and the college is
pursuing new programming strategies. We as a
community would be remiss if we didn't thank Bob
for his time and dedication and Oakton for its
facilities, staff, and financial support. I am a
richer man and better at-home dad because of my
affiliation with the convention; I'm proud to say I
have been to all 10.
Over the years, the convention coordinators have
adapted formats, changed styles, and worked to,
first, forge and nurture the at-home-dads'
community and, second, to enlighten those in
attendance with information, exercises,
discussions, and stories. Sometimes the
sessions/presentations were great; sometimes they
weren't, but all-in-all, I'd have to say the
gatherings achieved their aims.
To those who have called for the convention to
be held at alternative places and times or with a
different format, perhaps this is the impetus you
need to step to this community's forefront and
achieve your vision.
In closing, I simply want to reiterate a thought
I shared at this year's convention. I believe the
legacies we leave will determine how well we have
lived. When I gather with a group of at-home dads,
I somehow know I am in the midst of men who believe
that, too, and live that belief by dedicating
themselves to their greatest legacy-their children.
For that, we are all heroes in my book.
Best, Barry Reszel
I'll have some
prolactin with lactation on the side please.
Some notes from the at-home dad convention, veteran
at-home dad researcher Kyle Pruett of the
president-producing Yale U delivered the at-home
dad convention keynote speech. Although it was
weighed down with research data and words like
"prolactin" no one whined or took a nap. It's
because he's a pretty funny guy and he knows his
dad stuff.
Pruett talked about the piles of studies on the
hormone level changes in a dad's body before and
after he becomes a father. One hormone, prolactin
(which helps moms produce milk) was up 20 percent
in new dads while testosterone levels dropped.. He
mentioned one study that was well covered by
Psychology
Today “…researchers asked
couples to hold dolls that had been wrapped in
receiving blankets worn by a newborn within the
preceding 24 hours. (After their wives gave birth,
fathers held their actual baby.) They listened to a
six-minute tape of a real newborn crying and then
watched a video of a baby struggling to
breast-feed. The investigators took blood from the
men and women before the test and 30 minutes later.
What they found is startling: Men who expressed the
greatest desire to comfort the crying baby had the
highest prolactin levels and the greatest reduction
in testosterone. And testosterone levels plummeted
in those men who held the doll for the full
half-hour.”
Pruett's 4 main talking points:
"What I found out was what you are doing is all
right and that you do not have to have a sex change
to do it"
"Babies respond better to higher tones, but once
they are upset they respond better to a lower
voice, so [the dads] should get up when the
baby cries at night"
We are genetically wired to be good fathers just
as moms are - In his book The Nurturing Father he
writes "We know for certain that men can be
competent, capable, creative caretakers of
newborns. This is all the more remarkable given
that most men are typically raised with an
understanding that they are destined through some
natural law to be ineffective nurturers. . . . The
research on the subject, some of it now decades
old, says this assumption is just not so. And it
says it over and over again, in data from many
different discipliners.
When your wife disagrees with you she is right
also - Pruett notes while mom and dad will handle
the same situation differently they are “both
right” in their actions. For example he says
"Fathers are more likely to encourage their kids to
tolerate frustration and master tasks on their own
before they offer help," he explains, "whereas
mothers tend to assist a fussing child earlier."
With this balance the kid understands that he need
to take risks but he knows to be careful the next
time he wants to steer
the sled off your breezeway roof.
Exclusive At-Home Dad
Survey Results
With the help of his young son, Kevin, our
researcher, Dr Robert Frank, mailed out 1,081
surveys to the readers of At-Home Dad, and got 573
back, making this survey the largest ever taken of
at-home dads. In this exclusive survey, Dr Frank
focused on the 368 dads who spent 30 or more hours
per week alone with the child. Many were anxious
for the results, here they are: You are
38-years-old, married, and live in the suburbs with
your 2 kids. You have been an at-home dad for
nearly 3 years and feel somewhat isolated. You stay
home with the kids because you did not want to put
your kids in daycare and your wife made more money
than you did. Speaking of your wife, she is
"extremely satisfied" with the current arrangement
and so are you. Your parenting skills come from
your own intuition and by being with your own
children. Oh yes, I almost forgot, your future:
once your kids are in grade school you plan on
returning to work at-home or outside the home.
Now that I have you targeted, you will all be
receiving your gift for filling out the survey...
dinner for you, your 36 year old wife and 2
children. What? You didn't write your name on the
survey? Too bad!!
OK, maybe you do not fit the "average" at-home
dad reader profiled above, but the survey yielded
some interesting results. When mothers were asked
the level of satisfaction with having their husband
at home, 43% of them circled "extremely satisfied".
More revealing, however, is the fathers' response,
an overwhelming 51% indicated they were also
extremely satisfied. In the many letters and calls
I have received the last few years this comes as no
surprise.
In one such letter, a dad wrote, "I find that it
gives me the time to get to know him better, teach
him, play with him and love him."
One mother wrote, "He is proud of being an
at-home dad and caring for our daughter, a lot of
friends wish they were in his shoes. Thankfully, I
can support us on my salary and we both think this
is the best thing for our son." She goes on to say,
"I enjoy working and am amazed at the father-son
bond."
While many couples emphasize the benefits reaped
with dad at home they are quick to point out that
the isolation is still there. In the survey 63% of
the dads noted that they were "somewhat isolated"
and 6% were totally isolated.
One mother from Van Nuys, CA relates, "My
husband has no support group here in L.A., no
friends who are in our situation. He feels very
alone and frustrated at times. When I was at first
pregnant and then home on leave with the babies, I
had a circle of women friends who were going
through the same thing I was. We learned a lot from
each other and we still call on these women for
advice and support. There is no one for my husband
to call when the baby has spent the past two weeks
fussing at everything without respite, pushing my
husband to the limits."
One dad from California who has been home with
his 2 young sons, says, "The hardest part is not
knowing anyone and everyone else is at work all
day. After talking to a 3- year-old all day, I
can't wait for my wife to get home."
Why are we staying home? The #1 reason was to
keep the kids out of daycare. Timothy Nohe of
Catonville, MD, who cares for 3 boys (7, 2 and 11
mo), notes, "I quit my electrical engineering job
18 months ago and haven't looked back. 5 yrs of
college down the tubes. I hated that job. All
government work and programming. Yuck! We had a 17
year-old daughter, 5 year-old son and a 6
month-old-son we had adopted as an infant. The baby
was in daycare. My wife made more than 60% of
household income. More than half of my share went
to daycare and before and after care. What's wrong
with this picture?" One reader, Andy Doetsch, took
his kids out of daycare and resigned his secure
teaching position in Georgia to stay home because
"neither of us liked having to take the kids to
daycare every day and hearing second hand what new
progress they had made that day."
65% of the mothers answered that having dad at
home did not affect career either way, while 39% of
the dads reported no effect. However, 30% of the
dads noted that being home with the kids hurt their
career somewhat and 24% reported that the
arrangement hurt career a lot. Many of the dads
noted that they miss their former jobs. One such
dad, Larry Cohen, of Brookline, MA, worked
part-time but was still the primary parent as his
wife worked "ridiculously long hours as a medical
resident." Last summer he decided to stay home with
his daughter, Emma, around the clock. He states, "I
miss the adult companionship of my former work (as
a clinical psychologist in a group practice) and I
feel cheated about not being paid for all I
do...and finally resenting doing housework."
Nohe says of his career ambitions, "Go back to
work? Only if I am allowed to think without Mike
screaming (the baby. He is a screamer. Nothing
wrong. Just screams). We've already determined that
when they go to school, I'll get something so I can
be here for them. But hey, I have 5 years to think
about that." Another dad says, "I'm not itching to
get back in the work force. Maybe part time when
both kids go full time to school. I am too
independent to take someone's BS at the workplace
though. I guess I have this type of nerve right now
because my wife is making good money." Comparing
this survey to the one completed last year where he
compared 44 at-home dad families, (published in the
Winter 95 issue), Dr Frank notes the time spent
with the kids alone by moms (20 hours) and dads (50
hours) in at- home dad families were about the
same.
There was one question that had a predictable
answer: Who drives the car when both parents are in
the car. Can you guess? 80% of you said that dad
drove. Bob Frank says of this 80% figure, "This is
a revealing clue that the at-home dad is still
sticking to their core gender roles such as driving
the car and doing the handyman work around the
house."
He goes on to mention that you don't want a
complete role reversal but rather, "a more equal
balance in parenting..this way kids see the dad and
the mom in both roles, which results in a less
stereotypical attitude."
66% of the mothers answered that having dad at
home did not affect career either way, while 39% of
the dads reported no effect. However, 30% of the
dads noted that being home with the kids hurt their
career somewhat and 25% reported that the
arrangement hurt career a lot. Many of the dads
noted that they miss their former jobs. One such
dad, Larry Cohen, of Brookline, MA, worked
part-time but was still the primary parent as his
wife worked "ridiculously long hours as a medical
resident." Last summer he decided to stay home with
his daughter, Emma, around the clock. He states, "I
miss the adult companionship of my former work (as
a clinical psychologist in a group practice) and I
feel cheated about not being paid for all I
do...and finally resenting housework."
Nohe says of his career ambitions, "Go back to
work? Only if I am allowed to think without Mike
screaming. (The baby. He is a screamer. Nothing
wrong. Just screams.) We've already determined that
when they go to school, I'll get something so I can
be here for them. But hey, I have 5 years to think
about that." Another dad says, "I'm not itching to
get back in the work force. Maybe part time when
both kids go full time to school. I am too
independent to take someone's BS at the workplace
though. I guess I have this type of nerve right now
because my wife is making good money." Comparing
this survey to the one completed last year where he
compared 44 at-home dad families, (published in the
Winter 95 issue), Dr. Frank notes the time spent
with the kids alone by moms (20 hours) and dads (50
hours) in at- home dad families were about the
same.
There was one question that had a predictable
answer: Who drives the car when both parents are in
the car. Can you guess? 80% of you said that dad
drove. Dr. Frank says of this 80% figure, "This is
a revealing clue that the at-home dad is still
sticking to their core gender roles such as driving
the car and doing the handyman work around the
house."
Dr. Frank goes on to mention that you don't want
a complete role reversal but rather, "A more equal
balance in parenting..this way kids see the dad and
the mom in both roles, which results in a less
stereotypical attitude."
Survey Stats:
What % of the time do you make social
arrangements for yourself? Father 39% Mother
59%
Who tends to keep track of what needs to be
cleaned around the house? Father 37.5% Mother
13.3% Both 48.9% Other .3%
Hours per week each adult work for pay?
Mother 47 hours Father 8 hours
How much income did you lose due to your
child care arrangement? $26,000
Do you currently run a business out of the
home? Yes - 26.4% No - 73.6%
How long have you been an at-home dad? 33
months
What will you do once all of the children are
in school all day?
Go back or continue to work outside the home -
37.8%
Go back or continue to work inside the home -
25.3%
Not sure - 23.6%
Not work at all .8%
Children in school 9%
Exclusive At-Home Dad Survey Results
#1 - Didn't want daycare
#2 - Wife made more money
#3 - Wife wanted to work more.
#4 - Dad had greater desire to stay home.
US Census Strikes again
The US Census released today some facts for
features on Father's Day for the media to use in
their yearly father's day stories. Some of the
interesting numbers here.
There are estimated to be 66.3 million fathers
in the United States today. (not published yet in
the census website).
The description the US Newswire press services
used is "Mr Mom", when they reported on the census
figures on at-home dads. I won't whine about the
term but wasn't that movie over 20 years ago?
Anyhow they have pegged the number of us (with kids
under 15) at 105,000 and we are caring for 189,000
kids.
Now this is where I get confused..the next item
on the press release is a figure of 2 million
preschoolers "whose fathers care for them more
hours than any other child-care provider while
their mothers are at work." mmm now we have 105,000
dads caring for 2 million preschoolers. That
averages out to 20 kids per father doesn't it?
Now, take a look at the raw numbers where these
reports come from (they are from 1999 by the way).
I bet you won't last 5 minutes looking at these.
Back in 1996 I met Lynne Casper of the Census with
the 1993 numbers and she had figures including all
dads working or not caring for kids under 15 and
came up with nearly 2 million at-home dads. I used
the 2 million number in my newsletter and in media
interviews. Since then the number has sprouted
wings and has been used extensively by the print
& TV media. Judging from the new numbers it
looks like we lost about 1.8 million at-home dads
between 1993 and 1999.
More on this later I am going fishing for
striped bass and my friend is waiting.
New name needed for
dads
I wrote in my last post that the US Newswire press
services added the term "Mr Mom" in their article
to spice up their report in describing us. But it
actually did come from the US Census's actual press
release . I will send them a note and ask them to
rephrase that term. But before I do you may e-mail
at athomedad@aol.com me on what term you would like
to be described. I will let you know the results
when I get enough responses and let them know what
to use next time.
A member of the at-home dad message posted a
note that he was thumbing through the latest
Parents magazine and happened upon a book titled,
"How Tough Could It Be? by Sports Illustrated
writer Austin Murphy, the poster says "Mr. Murphy
took 6 months off from his job as a writer for SI
to be an AHD. Now, I don't want to rag on the book
before I read it, but I hope he makes a point about
a 6 month tour being a tad different than doing it
for years and years." A few minutes after I read
his post the mailman handed me a review copy of it
so I will let you know with a my thoughts on it
when I can get to it.
When the at-home dads stories first started
coming out big time in the mid-90's the mere fact
that a dad was the primary caregiver was a story in
itself. Now its being used more as a descriptor for
a dad. Heres one from the Orange County Register
titled "At-Home Dad Invents a Mean Screen Cleaner"
(the story will pop on for a few seconds long
enough to see the headline then it will switch to a
new window to subscribe). There's one sentence that
he has 6-year-old twins, but thats it. I think we
will see less and less of stories of a dad simply
because he stay home as each father's day media
crunch comes and goes.
Here's a stat I got from reporter, Virginia Linn
of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette "...and father-only
households (no wife or partner) increased to 4.3
million households by 2000." She got her
information from this press release issued by
American Academy of Pediatrics. In it, they gave
out the advice for Pediatricians to "Speak directly
to the father as well as the other parenting
partner, and solicit his opinions" In other words
don't forget dad is sitting right there while your
wife is getting all the lip service. I've heard a
few stories of dad at office visits where the
doctor never even acknowledged dad while he was
asking his wife all the questions.
(Note: the following paragraph is very boring
one about statistics, you may want to skip it
unless you are a researcher of accountant)
Back to the 4.3 million father-only households
(single fathers) raising their kids. The Pediatrics
press release notes the definition of a father as
"biological, foster or adoptive father; he may be a
stepfather, grandfather, teen father, father figure
or co parent father in a gay relationship." Lots of
gray area here. In searching for the definition of
Father-only households I checked the US Census
Households by Type report which estimated 4,201,824
"male householders" by 2004. I then interviewed
Karen Thomson of the US Census Household Division
this morning and she verified that all father-only
households have at least one child 17 or under in
the home. Here's the actual definition: Male
Householder no wife present: This category includes
households with male householders who are married
with at least one other relative in the household,
but with wife absent because of separation or other
reason where husband and wife maintain separate
residences; and male householders who are widowed,
divorced, or single with at least one other
relative in the household.
Thanks to a Peter B. McIntyre of the message
board who alerted me to at-home dad Ben McNeill of
Chapel Hill, NC. He has a stunning online journal
(blog) titled The Trixie Update . There are lots of
blogs out there with dads who talk about their
families with all the cute stories, but this one
takes an intensely objective tone. It's filled with
charts graphs and stats about his daughter's every
single movement (bowel or otherwise) that would put
the US Census to shame. As I write this his site
reports that the baby has been awake for 1 hour 31
minutes. has had 3 diaper changes the last one
being 12:06pm.which brings the total of diaper
changes to 1,965. (Ironically "1965 is the year
Procter & Gamble continued to introduce Pampers
nationwide. For a while, supermarkets, drug and
department stores are not sure how to classify this
brand new product or where to stock it. As a result
Pampers can unpredictably be found in the
convenience section, the food aisle, the paper
product section, and even in the drug section."
Source: The Trixie Update Here's an article about
him in his local paper
Funny humorous comment to note by Tim Goodman of
the San Francisco Chronicle who was making fun of
Howard Dean's possible TV talk show. "After much
discussing, the new Howard Dean talk show will be
called "Quick to Anger." He will explore the
challenges of remaining calm with a bevy of noted
hotheads. Geared toward the stay-at-home dad crowd
that has grown tired of soft talk shows like
"Ellen" and, frankly, are at their wits end with
the little snappers, "Quick to Anger" will
essentially be 60 minutes of venting." At least
someone out there knows we would like some
alternative network programming besides Oprah &
Dr Phil. The most popular daytime TV show that I
have heard the dads talk about at the last At-Home
Dad Convention is ESPN.
After 10 years, The
At-Home Dad Newsletter has moved into the blog
arena
The last few years I have neglected the hardcopy
newsletter as I was writing a new book titled The
Stay-At-Home Dad Handbook. The book is done and the
Chicago Review Press will put it out this fall.
I'd like to thank Brian at Rebeldad.com for the
initial inspiration to try this format. When I
started checking out blogs, I found his first. I
found him to be right on top of the latest at-home
dad media. As I read through his comments, I
thought the blog format would be a perfect fit for
the At-Home Dad Newsletter.
Now I can concentrate on posting topics like
Glenn Sargent of Mason, OH an at-home dad who wants
to run for president. He is one of 177 other folks
trying to get on Showtime's new reality show
American Candidate this summer.
©2008, Peter
Baylies
* * *
It is easier to build strong children than to
repair broken men. - Frederick
Douglass
Peter
Baylies is the Director, of the At-Home Dad Network
and the author of The
Stay-at-Home Dad
Handbook. The At-Home
Dad Network is a loose-knit grassroots organization
for primary care dads who want to start up or join
any activity to help connect at-home dads. Since
1994 we have connected and promoted home-based
fathers across the country and around the world. It
started in with a small group of dads who wanted to
be listed in the the At-Home Dad Newsletter and
grew into a network of thousands of dads who
started dozens of At-Home Dad Network playgroups,
e-mail list servs, media contacts, conducted
research, and the At-Home Dad Convention. Subscribe
to our free online At-Home Dad Newsletter to be
delivered to you via e-mail. We also invite you to
join the new At-Home Dad Network online message
board. where you can connect with at-home dads next
door and around the world. If you would like to
join either the At-Home Dad Message board and or to
receive the free online newsletter and request to
join or ask any questions in joining or starting a
playgroup or need any resources. If you have any
at-home dad news like the one above, or opinions or
events and you would like me to check out and
possibly share with the readers, send it to Peter
Baylies at E-Mail
or www.athomedad.com
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