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Sleeping Arrangements
Your pediatrician will probably tell you that your
baby should get used to sleeping by him or herself
as soon after birth as possible. The reasoning is
that in American culture we emphasize early
independence, so babies should adapt quickly to
being away from their parents. This is especially
true if both parents work and the children are in
day care.
But there is another school of thought that
maintains that babies should sleep in the same bed
as their parents (an idea shared by about eighty
percent of the world's population). The rationale
is that human evolution simply can't keep pace with
the new demands our culture is placing on its
children. "Proximity to parental sounds, smells,
heat, and movement during the night is precisely
what the human infant's immature system
expects—and needs," says James McKenna, an
anthropologist and sleep researcher.
So which approach is right? Well, given the wide
divergence of expert opinions out there, it's a
tough call—one you'll ultimately have to make
on your own. Our older daughter slept in a bassinet
in our room for a month or so until we moved her
into her own room. Our younger daughter, however,
slept in bed with us for six months before moving
to her own room. Neither of them had any trouble
making the transition, or any unusual sleep
problems thereafter.
Here are a few of the most common questions
you're likely to have if you haven't already
decided where your child will be sleeping:
How will it affect the baby's independence?
There's absolutely no agreement on this. Richard
Ferber, author of Solve Your Child's Sleep
Problems, maintains that "sleeping alone is an
important part of a child's learning to be able to
separate from his parents without anxiety and to
see himself as an independent individual." In
contrast, Thomas F. Anders, M.D., a professor of
psychiatry, contends that "every child is born with
a strong need for lots of close physical contact
with a caregiver, and children in whom this need
isn't met early in their lives may end up trying to
fill it as adults."
What about safety? Most adults, even while
asleep, have a highly developed sense of where they
are. After all, when was the last time you fell out
of bed? So the risk of accidentally suffocating
your baby is pretty slim.
How will the baby sleep? Despite what you might
think, co-sleeping children tend to sleep more
lightly than children who sleep alone (blankets
rustling and parents turning over in bed wake them
up). But light sleeping isn't necessarily a bad
thing. In fact, there seems to be a correlation
between lighter sleep and a lower incidence of SIDS
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).
Sharing a bed with your infant not only affects
your child, but it can also have a serious impact
on you. You'll lose a lot of sexual spontaneity,
and you may also lose some sleep. Even the
soundest-sleeping kids generally wake up every
three or four hours; 70 percent of them just look
around for a few minutes and soothe themselves back
to sleep. But if your baby is in the other 30
percent, he or she may wake up, see you, and want
to play.
If you decide to share your bed with your child,
do it because you and your partner want to, not
because you feel you have to. You're not negligent
or overindulgent parents for doing it, so don't be
embarrassed by your choice. But remember: no
waterbeds—a baby could roll between you and
the mattress. Also, overly soft mattresses and
pillows may pose a risk of suffocation.
If you decide that family sleeping isn't for
you, don't feel guilty. You're not a bad or selfish
parent for not wanting to do it. Teaching your
children to be independent does not mean that you
don't have a close bond with them. But don't feel
like a failure if you allow an occasional
exception, such as when a child is ill or has had a
frightening experience.
©2008, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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