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When the Father Becomes the Child
For older adults—especially older
men—independence is the key to physical and
mental health. Walking, for example, is something
we’ve almost always taken for granted. It was
one of our first big steps toward independence when
were babies, and even as adults we rely on it for
the ability to come and go as we please. In a lot
of ways, the same can be said about driving. Losing
either of those abilities—which can happen
gradually as the result of normal aging, or
suddenly after a stroke or other illness—can
be a terrible blow.
If you’re getting lost a lot, driving too
slowly, or have been in an accident recently,
it’s time to consider handing over your car
keys. And if you’re having trouble with basic
tasks, such as walking, getting dressed, eating,
paying bills, using the bathroom, and cooking,
you’re going to need some help.
As a man, you may resent being dependent on
others and embarrassed to have them see you that
way. For that reason you’ll probably put off
asking your children for assistance as long as
possible. It’s hard enough to get used to
being cared for by a wife, but it’s a lot
worse to be cared for by a child—especially a
son. When elderly parents require a lot of help
from their children, they tend to be less satisfied
with their relationships with those children,
according to Anne-Marie Ambert. Part of the reason
is that parents understand that their children are
helping because the parents need it, not because
they (the children) truly want to. Adult children
can also be a little overzealous. In a recent study
conducted by the AARP, 27 percent of elderly
parents said they thought they’d need help
from their adult children, but 54 percent of the
children expected that their help would be needed.
A third of adult children also suspected that their
parents really needed help but weren’t asking
for it. What this all adds up to is that, in their
well-meaning attempts to assist, your children may
underestimate your abilities and take over too much
decision making, leaving you feeling weaker and
more useless than before.
At this point in your life you’ve probably
spent a lot of time thinking about getting older,
and about how aging will affect your level of
independence. So have your adult children. In fact
they may actually have thought about it more than
you have. Sixty-nine percent of elderly parents
think about getting older and how long they’ll
be able to stay independent, while 75 percent of
children think about their parents’ aging and
possible need for help, according to the AARP.
Most of these families go beyond thinking and
actually sit down with each other to talk about
aging and independence. Interestingly, children are
a little more likely to talk to their mothers than
to their fathers, and parents are a little more
likely to talk to their daughters than to their
sons. A quarter of the children and nearly a third
of the parents don’t discuss these important
issues. That’s a big mistake; you’re
getting older whether you think about it or
not.
Of course, there’s no law that says that
you have to turn to your kids for anything, but if
you need something, ask for it. Programs like Meals
on Wheels (www.projectmeal.org/) can help you on
the food front if you’re having trouble
getting out, and there are all sorts of push-button
emergency radio-transmitter devices out there that
you can use to call the paramedics if you need
medical help. In addition, a lot of churches,
synagogues, and social groups have volunteers who
visit homebound people. If you do ask your children
for help, expect to see your daughter or
daughter-in-law more than your son. Daughters tend
to do the bulk of the care giving, even when
it’s their husband’s parents, perhaps
because they’re less likely to be working full
time. According to Ambert, sons are more likely to
assist with transportation and money.
What happens if you’re no longer able to
take care of yourself on your own? Unfortunately,
most families deal with this question only in the
midst of a crisis such as a fall or an unexpected
illness, before they have a chance to fully
investigate their options. Most children feel
guilty about putting a parent in a rest home, and
most parents find the idea terrifying. Moving in
with one of your children, however, may not be
geographically or financially practical, and the
“we won’t put you in a home” promise
may be a hard one to keep. So do yourselves a favor
and start talking about all this stuff now. It may
be difficult and even uncomfortable to broach the
subject, but elderly parents and adult children
alike say that these are critical discussions to
have. They’ll give you both some peace of mind
and help you come up with a plan that works for
everyone.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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