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Grandfatherhood
More than 90 percent of parents over sixty-five
have grandchildren, and about half of those have at
least one adult grandchild. What this means is that
with life expectancies getting longer all the time,
you’re going to be a grandfather for a
long—maybe a very long—time. Most
grandfathers love being able to add the title of
“grandpa” to their list of identities.
Here are some of the reasons why:
It’s a second chance. You may not have had
the chance, or the opportunity, or the desire to be
as good a father as you would have liked, but
grandfatherhood gives you a chance to look back and
to try to “do it right” this time. It may
also be more fun. “Since they do not have the
responsibility for raising the child toward that
unconscious goal, their love is not as burdened by
doubts and anxieties as it was when their own
children were young,” writes Therese Benedek.
“Relieved of the immediate stresses . . . and
the responsibilities of fatherhood, grandparents
appear to enjoy their grandchildren more than they
enjoyed their own children.”
It links you to the past and the future. Your
grandchildren are your assurance that your
biological line will continue for at least one more
generation. At the same time, becoming a
grandfather may help you repair, deepen, or
reestablish relationships with your children.
“When your kids have kids of their own, you
suddenly have an area of shared experience,”
my dad told me recently. “And that leads to
tolerance and forgiveness on both sides.”
It makes you feel important. Your children are
grown, everything seems to be taking care of itself
okay, and it’s been a long time since anyone
really needed you. But having a grandchild gives
you the chance to teach, give advice, tell stories,
be a financial and emotional resource, and
contribute to their lives. As a result, you’ll
feel valuable again. It’s that “second
lease on life” you always hear people talk
about.
It may make you lighten up a little. Time is
short at this stage of life, and it’s just not
worth the energy to demand perfection from
everyone—especially young children. It also
gives you the chance to shamelessly spoil someone
without being accused of being a bad father.
It can be payback. Remember all those time when
your kid told you how much he hated you and how he
would never, never, ever be as horrible a parent as
you were? Well, chances are that now that he’s
a parent, your child has become a lot more
sympathetic to the errors you made when you were
the dad and he was the kid. As my own father often
tells me, “It’s a great comfort to me
that you’re not a perfect parent.”
It brings back the past. “Grandparents get
to relive the memories of the early phase of their
own parenthood in observing the growth and
development of their grandchildren,” writes
Benedek. Grandparenthood may also bring back some
memories of your relationship with your own
grandparents.
©2010, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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