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Socializing Adults: From Husband to
Father
Largely because of the lessons boys and girls learn
when they're young, by the time they begin to marry
or form adult relationships of their own, their
attitudes about gender and parenting are already
firmly in place. After years of training, for
example, women have bought into the dominant view
that mothers are biologically predisposed to
nurture children. As a result they have no trouble
seeing themselves as mothers whether they're
married or not. Men, too, have internalized the
myth of the superior mother. But for them,
fatherhood and fathering are inextricably linked
with marriage, or at least with being in a
committed relationship.
Not surprisingly, family researchers have
discovered in recent years that men's satisfaction
with their relationships is a major factor in
determining how involved they will be with their
children. The more satisfying men's marriages are,
the more involved and happy they are in their
fathering roles. But the more unhappy and volatile
their marriages are, the less involved they become
and the lower the quality of that involvement.
This marital satisfaction/father involvement
connection may actually start even before men
become fathers. Researcher Shirley Feldman and her
colleagues found that expectant fathers whose
marriages were rated as "satisfying" during the
third trimester of their wives' pregnancy were
subsequently more involved in care giving and play
with their six-month-old infants.
In addition, psychologist Martha Cox and her
colleagues have found that the quality of a
father's parenting is better when his marriage is
better and that a supportive marriage can go a long
way toward overcoming his lack of preparation for
parenthood.
Even babies know when their fathers aren’t
happy in their marriages. Eleven-month-olds, for
example, are less likely to look to their fathers
for help in novel situations (such as seeing an
unfamiliar person) when their fathers are in
distressed marriages. As John Gottman found, men in
unsatisfying marriages tend to withdraw from their
wives and, perhaps from their children. Children
whose fathers are unhappy or overstressed "act out"
more and suffer more from depression than children
whose parents are in less stressful marriages. And
kids who watch their parents fight are frequently
more aggressive, feel more guilty, and tend to be
more withdrawing.
Does the quality of a marriage have as much
impact on mothers as it does on fathers? Not
according to psychologist Jay Belsky and his
colleagues, who conducted a series of home
observations of mothers and fathers when their
infants were one, three, and nine months old. Other
studies confirm Belsky's results. Adolescent
fathers, for example, have more positive
interactions with their infants in families where
there are high levels of mother-father engagement.
Mother-child interactions, however, were completely
independent of the mother's relationship with the
father. Overall, said one group of researchers, the
quality of the marriage, whether reported by the
husband or wife, is "the most consistently powerful
predictor of paternal involvement and
satisfaction."
Given the connection between marital
satisfaction and paternal involvement, it shouldn't
really come as a surprise that fathers who are in
supportive and satisfying marriages bond more
securely with their infants and toddlers. What is a
little surprising, though, is the way mothers
benefit from the additional support their happy
husbands provide them. Studies in both the United
States and Japan have found that the more
emotionally supportive a father is, the more
competent a caregiver his wife is and the better
her relationship with their children.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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