|
On Not Being a Disneyland Dad
Non-custodial fathers—especially those with
fairly infrequent visitation—often feel
obligated to make every second of every visit with
their children "count." Sometimes they’re
motivated by guilt, the fear of losing their
children's love, trying to make up for lost time, a
desire to compete with the ex, or something else.
But whatever it is, the result is the same: they
buy their kids extravagant gifts, eat out every
meal, take them on expensive trips, give into their
every whim, forget about discipline, and generally
treat them like visiting royalty instead of
children. It's no wonder that a lot of people refer
to this kind of father as the "Disneyland Dad."
Falling in to this trap is easy, but you won't
be able to keep it up for very long: sooner or
later you'll run out of money or ideas. And when
that happens, your kids will have gotten so spoiled
that they'll do one of two things (maybe even
both): Resent you for not giving them "their due,"
or think you don't love them any more. Here are
some simple steps you can take to keep yourself
from turning into a Disneyland Dad:
- Plan ahead. Don't schedule every minute of
every day, but over the course of the visit, try
to allow some time in each of these areas: fun,
food, private time for you with each child, and
time for the kids to be by themselves.
- Don't go overboard. You do not have to amuse
your children every second. Don't even try.
There's no way you'll be able to keep up the
pace. And if you get them used to non-stop
entertainment, treats, and gifts, they'll resent
the hell out of you if you break the
pattern.
- Don't try to make up for lost time--you
can't.
- Vary your activities. Yes, as we know, kids
love routines. But if you go the movies and the
zoo every weekend, they'll be bored out of their
minds. The weekend newspapers and those free,
local parenting publications are full of great
things to do in your area. Groups such as
Parents without Partners often have activities
planned that can help add some variety to your
times with your children.
- Treat your kids like they live there (they
do), not like visiting VIPs. This means giving
them some chores and making sure they practice
the violin and do their homework. It also means
having—and enforcing—rules in your
house.
- Give them some choice in what to do. Ask
them to put together a list of possibilities or
give them some options to choose from. You
certainly don't have to do everything on their
list. But the fact that you've asked for their
input will reinforce the idea that you genuinely
care about what's important to them.
- Allow plenty of down time. Some of your
weekends are going to be packed to the gills
with great activities. But don't make them all
that way. Cramming too much fun into your times
together can actually cause a lot of stress.
Kids of all ages need to spend some time
entertaining themselves—even if it means
being bored for a few hours. This can include
writing in a journal, doing a crossword puzzle,
drawing, or just hanging out in the living room
listening to a CD.
- Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
There are times when you'll have tons of energy
to run around doing things all day and other
times when you'll feel like a slug—just
like everyone else in the world. Your kids will
understand. You and the kids will occasionally
have fights, too. If you do fight, don't spend a
lot of time worrying about it: they won't stop
loving you. Fights are perfectly normal in
intact families, and just as normal in broken
ones.
- Be normal. Of course you'll try not to spend
your times with your kids working on some
project from the office. But sometimes something
comes up that you just have to do. Say, for
example, this is the only weekend you can take
care of those household repairs. Having the kids
help out—even if it's only holding one end
of the tape measure or handing you nails—is
a wonderful way to spend time together and make
them feel a part of your life. It'll also help
them tone down any unrealistic expectations they
might have about you by showing them that you're
human and that you have obligations and
responsibilities.
Your goal as a non-custodial father—even if
your time with your children is limited—is to
have as normal a relationship with them as
possible. There's no need to compete with your ex
and you don't need to buy their love. If you
genuinely love your children and are interested in
being with them, they'll know it. And they'll love
you and want to be with you too.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of The
National Men's Resource Center™
©1996-2023, The National Men's Resource
Center
|
