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Dealing with Daddy Stress
Q: My son was born four months ago, and things are
starting to settle down. But every time I sit down
to do some extra work on the computer, I feel
guilty about leaving my wife to take care of him
since she's with him all day long. I try to help,
but I also need to get ahead with work. What should
I do?
The first thing you need to do is not let your
guilt get out of hand. A little bit of guilt is
okay, but some fathers (and mothers)--in an effort
to make themselves feel better about not being able
to spend enough time with their children--end up
withdrawing from their kids emotionally. Leaving
your wife to take care of the baby is a habit you
don't want to get into (and if you notice yourself
doing this, there's still time to stop). The
earlier you and your baby start getting to know one
another, the closer and better your relationship
will be.
Another common trap parents sometimes fall into
is trying hard to make up for lost time. You might,
for example, attempt to cram as much active,
physical father/baby interaction as you can into
the few hours you do have together in the evenings
after work. While all that activity might make you
feel a little better about being away from your
baby during the day, you'll also end up
overstimulating him. So before you start tickling
and wrestling and playing with the baby, spend a
few minutes reading or cuddling with him, quietly
getting to know each other again. At four months, a
day away from you is a long time for your baby.
You'll both feel a lot better if you spend a little
quiet time reconnecting.
While there's no practical way for you to make
up for the time you're spending away from your
child, it's important that you find some middle
ground. Separate work time from time with your
child. Make sure that whenever you're with the
baby, you're with him 100 percent. Forget the
phone, the computer, the newspapers, or the TV. You
can do all those things after the baby goes to
sleep, before he wakes up, or while he's busy
nursing. You also might want to explore some
different scheduling options for your office:
getting into work an hour or two early might give
you and your baby a few relaxed hours together in
the afternoons. And telecommuting to work one day a
week allows you to spend your commute time reading
your son a book instead of sitting in traffic.
©2012, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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