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Defining "Daddy"
To fully integrate the idea of being a father into
your self-identity, it’ll help to understand
exactly what being a father actually involves. One
of the most consistent findings by researchers is
that new fathers almost always feel unprepared for
their new role. Personally, I would have been
surprised if it were otherwise. As writer David L.
Giveans says, “It is both unfair and realistic
to expect a man . . . to automatically
‘father’ when his life experiences have
skillfully isolated him from learning
how.”
When most of our fathers were raising us, a
“good father” was synonymous with
“good provider.” He supported his family
financially, mowed the lawn, washed the car, and
maintained discipline in the home. No one seemed to
care whether he ever spent much time with his
children; in fact, he was discouraged from doing
so, and told to leave the kids to his wife, the
“good mother.”
Today, yesterday’s “good father”
has retroactively become an emotionally distant,
uncaring villain. And today’s “good
father,” besides still being the breadwinner,
is expected to be a real presence—physically
and emotionally—in his kids’ lives. That,
in a nutshell, is exactly what most new fathers
want. Most of us have no intention of being
wait-till-your-father-comes-home daddies and want
to be more involved with our children than our own
fathers were. The problem is, we just haven’t
had the training. The solution? Jump right in. The
“maternal instinct” that women are
supposedly born with is actually acquired on the
job. And that’s exactly where you’re
going to develop your “paternal
instinct.”
Another question you’re going to have to
ask yourself here is how being a father fits with
your definition of being a man. There are two major
reasons why so many of us would prefer to drive ten
miles down the wrong road than to stop and ask for
directions. First, from the time we were little
boys, we’ve been socialized to associate
knowledge with masculinity—in other words,
real men know everything, and admitting to being
lost is a sign of weakness (and, of course, a lack
of masculinity). Second—and even
worse—we’ve also been socialized to be
strong, independent, and goal oriented, and to
consider asking for help as a sign of weakness
(and, again, a lack of masculinity).
Nothing in the world can bring these two factors
into play faster that the birth of a baby. Because
of the near-total absence of active, involved,
nurturing male role models, most new fathers
can’t seriously claim that they know what to
do with a new baby (although never having cooked
before didn’t prevent my father from insisting
he could make the best blueberry pancakes we’d
ever taste; and boy, was he wrong).
Getting help seems like the obvious solution to
the ignorance problem, but most men don’t want
to seem helpless or expose their lack of knowledge
by asking anyone. In addition, too many dads are
aware of the prevailing attitude that a man who is
actively involved with his children—especially
if he’s the primary caretaker—is not as
masculine that his less-involved brothers.
It’s easy to see how the whole experience
of becoming a father can lead so many new fathers
to wonder secretly (no one ever openly admits to
having these thoughts) whether or not they’ve
retained their masculinity. All too often, the
result of this kind of thinking is that fathers
leave the entire child rearing to their partners
and leave their kids essentially without a father.
”Children are at a particular disadvantage
when they are deprived of constructive experiences
with their fathers,” writes psychologist Henry
Biller. “Infants and young children are
unlikely to be provided with other opportunities to
form a relationship with a caring and readily
available adult male if their father is not
emotionally committed to them.”
©2012, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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