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Breastfeeding
Dear MrDad: Everyone says that new mothers
should breastfeed their babies but I've never
really know why. And, I know this sounds nuts, but
is there anything I can to do to stay involved
while my wife is nursing? I feel so left out.
A: Before their babies are born, just
about any expectant father you'd ask would say that
breastfeeding is the best way to feed a baby and
that his partner should nurse their child for as
long as possible. And why not, just consider some
of these advantages:
- There's no preparation, no heating, no
bottles or dishes to wash
- It's free--formula ain't cheap these
days
- It never runs out and there's no waste
either
- It's good for your partner, giving her a
chance to bond with the baby
- It's good for your baby--it's the perfect
blend of nutrients. Breastfed kids have a much
lower chance than formula-fed kids of developing
food allergies, respiratory- and
gastrointestinal illnesses, or of becoming obese
as adults. It is also thought to transmit the
mother's immunity to certain diseases
- Diapers don't stink--breastfed babies
produce stool that smells almost
sweet--especially when you compare it to the
formula-fed kind.
After the baby comes, though, a lot of new
fathers have a change of heart. It's not that they
don't support breastfeeding--they still think it's
the best thing for everyone concerned. It's just
that the whole thing makes them feel left out.
Breastfeeding "perpetuates the exclusive
relationship the mother and infant experienced
during pregnancy," writes Dr. Pamela Jordan, one of
the few researchers ever to explore the effects of
breastfeeding on men. As a result, it's pretty
common for new breastfeeding-spectator fathers to
feel some or all of the following:
- a fear that it's going harder to bond and
develop a relationship with his child
- a sense of inadequacy, that nothing he could
ever do could ever compete with his partner's
breasts
- a slight feeling of resentment toward the
baby who has "come between" him and his
partner
- a sense of relief when the baby is weaned
because he'll finally have a chance to catch
up
- a sense that because women can breastfeed
they somehow possess the knowledge and skills
that make them naturally better parents (which
means, of course, that men just aren't suited
for the job).
Studies of new and expectant parents show that
they consider feeding to be the most important
aspect of caring for an infant. And there's no
question that if your partner is breastfeeding
you're at a bit of a disadvantage in that regard.
But just because she's got control of the breasts
and the food that's in them doesn't mean that you
have to back off. There are a number of ways you
can get involved in the process and help make
breastfeeding as pleasant an experience as possible
for everyone:
Bottle feed the baby with breast-milk. But don't
push too hard on this one; many women find
expressing milk (manually or with a pump)
uncomfortable or even painful. If you decide to go
this route, wait a few weeks before introducing the
bottle so your baby will have a chance to get
completely comfortable with nursing on a real
breast.
Try not to take it personally if your baby seems
less than interested in taking a bottle from you.
Once they've gotten used to their mothers nipples,
some babies get a little surprised when presented
with a plastic one. Others may simply refuse to
take a bottle at all, probably just on principle.
But don't give up. Plastic nipples, like real ones,
come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. So you may
have to do a little experimenting before you and
your baby discover the kind she likes best (which
may not have anything in common with the kind you
like best.)
Get plenty of private time with the baby for
activities that provide regular skin-to-skin
contact. Things like changing diapers, cuddling,
putting to sleep, bathing, and even just sitting in
a chair reading while the baby naps on your
shirt-less chest are great. They give you and the
baby a chance to be alone together and create your
own relationship. The more this happens, the more
you'll feel confident in your own abilities as a
parent.
If you can't do the skin-to-skin thing, spend
plenty of time with your baby just hanging out.
Take him for walks in the stroller, put him in a
front-pack and go grocery shopping, whatever you
can think of to be together.
- Support your partner any way you can. The
current thinking among pediatricians is that women
should try to breastfeed for at least a year.
Interestingly, studies have shown that the more
supportive their partners, the longer women
breastfeed and the more confident they feel in
their ability to do so.
Be patient if your partner seems less interested
in sex. Imagine, for example, that someone has been
crawling all over you and sucking on your breasts
five or six times a day for fifteen or twenty
minutes a crack. You just might be somewhat less
than completely enthusiastic about having yet
another person grope you at the end of the day.
Your partner's nursing may also affect intercourse
as well. Nursing women produce lower levels of the
ovarian hormones that are responsible for producing
vaginal lubrication. Without that lubrication,
intercourse can be uncomfortable or even painful.
So instead of thinking that your partner isn't
aroused by you any more, just stock up on a good
water-based lubricant.
©2009, Armin Brott
Related Issue: Lactating
Fathers
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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