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(Re)Learning to Talk
"I get the picture sometimes of two people who may
be very much in love and very much together, having
private dreams that shape their lives, but not
letting each other know the content," says U. C.
Berkeley professor Phil Cowan. Frequent, open, and
honest communication is "the key to an effective
transition from couple to family," he adds. But
because so many couples seem to forget how, let's
go over the basics:
Open your mouth. Although many men have been
socialized into thinking that we don't have strong
feelings or emotional needs, this, obviously, isn't
true. Nevertheless, a lot of guys are reluctant to
talk to their partners about their needs and
feelings, fearing that they'll seem weak and will
be letting their partners down.
Close your mouth and open your ears. One of the
most widespread stereotypes about men and women is
that women are more open than men about discussing
their feelings and emotions. If your partner is a
natural talker, great. But plenty of new mothers
need some gentle, supportive encouragement. "A
great deal of needless suffering goes on because
mothers and fathers are ashamed to express feelings
they have that see 'unmotherly' or 'unfatherly,'"
writes Phil Cowan. So encourage her to talk, ask
her about her deepest feelings about the baby, tell
her you love her, and reassure her that you'll be
there for her.
Speak the same language. Sound's silly but it's
not. Some of the biggest communication breakdowns
come because people don't (or can't or won't) agree
on the definition of some very basic words. For
example, does the word "love" mean the same thing
to you and your partner? Do the two of you express
your love for each other in the same way? Probably
not. Men commonly express love for their partners
by doing things. Women, however, are more likely to
express their love verbally. Unfortunately, most
people want to be communicated with in their own
language. Consequently, what you do may not be
loving enough for your partner and what she says
may not be enough for you. Learning to understand
and express love differently is like learning a new
language. Granted, it's a little more complicated
than high school French, but it can be done.
Ground rules for putting your newly polished
communication skills to work:
1. Schedule a special time and place for your
discussions. Let's face it: if you can't have sex
without a schedule, you won't be able to have a
serious conversation without one either.
2. Tell her what's on your mind. Tackle one
issue at a time and stay away from phrases like
"you always...," "you never...," or any other
comment whose sole purpose for existing is to put a
quick end to your conversations.
3. Ask her to tell you what she heard you say.
Just saying "I understand what you're saying" isn't
enough here. It's important to have your partner
tell you in her own words what you've just told
her.
4. Confirm for her that she heard you correctly.
If she didn’t, tell her again.
5. Go back to Step 2, but switch roles: she
talks, you listen.
6. Learn to compromise. Understanding each
other’s concerns is a great place to start,
but it doesn't do much good if you can't figure out
how to bridge the gaps.
7. Get professional help if you need it. Set up
a monthly appointment with a marriage counselor to
give you and your partner a safe place to discuss
your relationship, differences, problems, worries,
etc.
©2008, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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