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Reconstructing Dad
There’s an old saying in the Talmud that a man
has three names: the one his parents gave him at
birth, the one that others call him, and the one he
calls himself. A person’s identity, according
to the rabbis, is a rather amorphous thing. What
the rabbis don’t talk about is that all three
of those names are subject to change over
time—especially the one you give yourself. So
who are you these days? The same person you were a
few years ago? Probably not. And one of the biggest
reasons you’re not is that being a father has
changed you.
Over a period of nearly two years, University of
California–Berkeley researchers Phil and
Carolyn Cowan asked a large number of men to draw a
circle and divide it up into sections that
reflected how important each aspect of their life
felt—not the amount of time in the role. Over
the study period, childless men showed a
significant increase in the
“partner/lover” aspect. But young fathers
were squeezing “partner/lover” into a
smaller space to accommodate the significant
increase in the “parent” piece of the
pie.
As the parenting pie grows, other things happen
too. Here are a number of ways that the men in my
survey (and several other studies as well) said
fatherhood changed them:
• Confidence and pride
Having a close relationship with your child
helps build his confidence and self-esteem. It also
helps build yours. Being able to stop your
child’s tears, making him laugh, or knowing
how much he idolizes you can make you feel
incredibly competent, and the pride you feel when
you see all the great things he can do becomes
confirmation that you’re doing pretty well at
this whole fathering thing. For a while, at least,
your child is going to share all your
tastes—in music, literature, movies, art,
career, politics, and food (as long is it’s
not too spicy). A lot of these things will change
as your child grows up. But I can hardly describe
the feeling of pride I get when my kids start
discussing Hitchcock movies with my adult friends,
belt out a few Janis Joplin lyrics, or pop in a CD
of Elgar’s cello concerto while they’re
doing their homework. But beware. Confidence and
pride are often made of pretty thin veneer: any
misbehavior—especially public—can
suddenly make you feel you feel as though
you’ve failed as a father.
• Patience—and a better sense of
humor. Things are going to go wrong, whether you
like it or not, and you have two choices: take
everything seriously and try to change the world,
or roll with it and laugh. Learning to laugh at
yourself can rub off in other areas and might make
you more understanding of the mistakes other people
make.
• Flexible thinking. At this point
it’s almost impossible to tell the difference
between your child’s needs, your needs, and
your partner’s needs. In a perfect world
they’d mutually reinforce one another. But on
this planet, these needs “are to varying
degrees in opposition, imposing frustrations and
sorrows and forcing mutual adaptation,” says
the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP).
As you get more experienced as a parent, your
ability to prepare for the future and come up with
contingency plans will grow. You’ll also learn
the incredibly valuable skill of being able to see
a variety of different points of view at the same
time. For example, most new couples say that having
children brought them closer together. At the same
time, though, they say that labor around the house
has been divided along traditional lines.
• Return to childhood. Having kids gives
you a great opportunity to reread all those great
books from when you were a kid and disappear back
into the world of King Arthur and the Hobbit. It
also gives you a rare chance to say words like
“poop” and “pee” in public
again.
• Creativity. A lot of parents suddenly get
inspired to create. A. A. Milne (who wrote the
Winnie the Pooh books) and J. K. Rowling (of Harry
Potter fame) are just two who wrote for their kids.
If you’re giving your kids music or art
lessons, you might develop a talent you never
thought you had or rediscover the urge to perform
at school talent shows.
• Reordering priorities. Having kids
contributes to a heightened awareness of
other’s perspectives, says researcher Rob
Palkovitz. A lot of guys admit that they were
somewhat selfish and self-centered before having
kids. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing;
it’s simply an acknowledgment that having
people depend on you and putting their needs before
your own isn’t something that comes naturally
to most people before they become parents.
What’s especially interesting is that,
according to Palkovitz, getting married didn’t
trigger this same realization.
• Changing values. Becoming a father will
make you take a long, hard look at your fundamental
beliefs and values. Things you may have thought
were harmless when you were younger, such as not
caring about money or material possessions,
promiscuous sex, and even smoking a little dope,
look completely different now that you’ve got
a family to support. You’ll start seeing the
world in different terms. You may have thought
about issues like pollution, terrorism, energy
policy, Latin American debt, homelessness, AIDS,
poverty, and even cloth vs. disposable diapers
before, but now, instead of being abstract things
that happen to other people, they’re possible
threats to your child and your family.
Having children will also help you clarify a lot
of your beliefs. Teaching your child to say that
the guy you didn’t vote for in the last
election is a jerk is one thing. But try explaining
to your child—in terms he can
understand—what war is, what the death penalty
is, why some people are rich while others live on
the street. You might find yourself changing your
mind about a few things now that they might affect
your family.
Interestingly, older fathers report doing less
soul-searching than younger fathers. The older guys
come into fatherhood feeling more mature and having
had more of a chance to hone their philosophy of
life.
©2008, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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