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Daddy, the Protector
As if worrying about finances weren’t enough,
many expectant fathers find themselves preoccupied
with the physical health and safety of the other
members of their growing family (but not their
own—studies have shown that men go to the
doctor much less frequently than usual when their
partners are pregnant). Some men’s health and
safety concerns take on a rather bizarre twist.
Psychiatrist Martin Greenberg, for example, found
that “more than a few men purchase weapons
during a pregnancy.” Fortunately, most of them
sell their weapons after the baby is born.
In my case, I quizzed my wife about how much
protein she was eating; I reminded her to go to the
gym for her workouts; I even worried about the
position she slept in. All in all, I was a real
pain. (I was right about the sleeping position
stuff, though. Sleeping on the back is a bad idea;
the baby-filled uterus presses on the intestines,
back, and a major vein—the inferior vena
cava—and could cause hemorrhoids or even cut
off the flow of oxygen or blood to both your
partner and the fetus. It’s rare, but it could
happen.)
The sad fact—especially for pessimists like
me—is that miscarriages happen fairly
frequently. Some experts estimate that as many as
one pregnancy out of five ends in miscarriage. In
fact, almost every sexually active woman will have
one at some point in her life. In most cases the
miscarriage happens before the woman ever knows
she’s pregnant—whatever there was of the
tiny embryo is swept away with her regular
menstrual flow.
In most cases, miscarriages—most of which
happen within the first three months of the
pregnancy—are a blessing in disguise, the
body’s way of eliminating a fetus or embryo
that would be better off not surviving. If your
partner has a miscarriage, neither of you is likely
to find that particularly reassuring. But remember
that over 90 percent of couples that experience a
single miscarriage are able to conceive again and
have a healthy baby later.
Many expectant dads also worry about birth
defects—this seems to be especially common
among guys whose partners are over thirty-five,
when all those prenatal tests are constant
reminders about the possibility. If one of those
tests indicates that your baby will be born
deformed or with any kind of serious disorder, you
and your partner have some serious discussions
ahead of you. You and your partner have two basic
options: keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy.
Fortunately, you won’t have to make either of
these decisions on your own; every hospital that
administers diagnostic tests has specially trained
genetic counselors that will help you sort through
the options.
If your partner is carrying three or more
fetuses, you may have to deal with the question of
“selective reduction.” Basically, the
more fetuses in the uterus, the greater the risk of
premature birth, low birth weight, and other
potential health hazards. Simply—and
gruesomely—put, all these risks can be reduced
by reducing the number of fetuses. It’s an
agonizing decision that only you and your partner
can make.
Whether you and your partner chose to terminate
your pregnancy or reduce the number of fetuses, or
whether the pregnancy ended in miscarriage, the
emotional toll can be devastating, and don’t
make the mistake of thinking it won’t affect
you. You won’t have to endure any of the
physical pain or discomfort, but your emotional
pain can be just as severe as your partner’s.
You shared the same hopes and dreams about your
unborn child, and you’ll probably feel a
profound sense of grief if those hopes and dreams
were dashed. And many men, just like their
partners, feel tremendous guilt and inadequacy when
a pregnancy ends prematurely.
Almost all the studies done on how people grieve
at the loss of a fetus have dealt only with
women’s reactions. The ones that have included
fathers’ feelings generally conclude that men
and women grieve in different ways. Dr. Kristen
Goldbach found that “women are more likely to
express their grief openly, while men tend to be
much less expressive, frequently coping with their
grief in a more stoical manner.” This
doesn’t mean that men don’t express their
grief at all. Instead, it simply highlights the
fact that in our society, men don’t have a lot
of opportunity to express their feelings.
It’s critical that you and your partner get
as much emotional support as possible. Many men who
attend support groups say that until they joined
the group, no one had ever asked how they felt
about their loss. The group setting may also give
you the chance to stop being strong for your
partner for a few minutes and grieve for yourself.
If you’d like to find a support group, your
doctor or the genetic counselors can refer you to
the closest one—or the one that might be most
sympathetic to men’s concerns. Some men,
however, are not at all interested in getting
together with a large group of people who have
little in common but tragedy. If you feel this way,
be sure to explain your feelings tactfully to your
partner—she may feel quite strongly that you
should be there with her and might feel rejected if
you aren’t. If you ultimately decide not to
join a support group, don’t try to handle
things alone—talk to your partner, your
doctor, your cleric, or a sympathetic friend.
Keeping your grief bottled up will only hinder the
healing process.
©2012, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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