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Excluded By OB
Dear MrDad: I'm really excited about my
wife's pregnancy and started to go to the doctor's
appointments with her. But the doctor basically
ignores me or gives me a silly looking smile. I
want to stay involved but I'm getting really angry.
Is there anything else I can do?
A: For some expectant dads, the joys and
excitement and anticipation they experience as the
pregnancy progresses can be outweighed by the
bitterness they feel at the way they're treated by
their partner's doctors.
Sadly, most men who go to their wife's OB
appointments feel just like you do: as though
they're cute or novel or just annoying. And a big
percentage of expectant dads complain that medical
professionals—OBs, nurses, ultrasound
technicians, and support staff—tend to treat
them as though they're little more than intruders
or spectators and the wife is the only one worth
dealing with. If they get talked to at all, it's
only to discuss the ways they can support their
wives. The fact that the dad-to-be might have some
specific and important needs, concerns, questions,
worries, or anything of his own else rarely seems
to occur to anyone.
Fortunately, this isn't true of every medical
professional. Some OBs will go out of their way to
include the dad in the process. They make a special
point of looking at him while talking about what's
going on with his wife and baby, they encourage him
to ask questions and they answer them thoroughly
and respectfully.
- But don’t just sit back and expect to
be welcomed into what is generally women's
private domain. Make it clear as early as you
can that you want to be involved—especially
if you have even the slightest suspicion that
you're not being taken seriously. Ask a lot of
questions, behave as interested as you possibly
can, and make it impossible for them to ignore
you. If you still don't get the respect and
attention you deserve tell the doctor
point-blank that you want to be included. You
may have to do it more than once but eventually
he or she will get the point.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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