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Sharing Childrearing
Dear MrDad: I've got a pretty flexible schedule and
I'd really like to share the childcare equally with
my wife. She seems so good at it, though, that I'm
not sure I can ever catch up. Is there anything I
can do?
A: Many of us—-men as well as
women—-simply assume that women know more
about kids than men. On average, women do spend
more time taking care of children than men do, and
their skills may be a little sharper than ours. But
parenting skills are not innate—they're
learned on the job, through experience and
training. If you’re willing to put in the time
and effort, you’ll be able to have an active,
involved relationships with your children.
Here are some things you can do:
- Get some practice. Don't assume that your
partner magically knows more than you do.
Whatever she knows about raising kids, she's
learned by doing--just like anything else.
- Take charge. Ultimately, if you don't start
taking the initiative, you'll never be able to
assume the child-rearing responsibilities you
want--and deserve. In all the times I've seen
women pluck crying or smelly babies from their
husbands' arms, I've never heard a man say, "No,
honey, I can take care of this." So, if you find
yourself in a situation like that, try a few
lines such as: "I think I can handle things" or
"That's okay; I really need the practice." And
there's also nothing wrong with asking your
partner for advice--you both have insights that
the other could benefit from. But have her tell
you instead of doing it for you.
- Don't devalue the things you like doing with
the kids. Men and women have different ways of
interacting with their children; both are
equally important to your child's development.
So don't let anyone tell you that wrestling,
playing "monster," or other so-called guy things
are somehow not as important as the "girl
things" your partner may do (or want you to
do).
- Get involved in the day-to-day decisions
that affect your kids' lives. This means making
a special effort to share with your partner such
responsibilities as meal planning, food and
clothes shopping, cooking, taking the kiddies to
the library or bookstore, getting to know their
friends' parents, and planning play dates. Not
doing these things can give the impression that
you don't think they're important or that you're
not interested in being involved.
- Keep communicating. If you don't like the
status quo, let your partner know. But be
gentle. If at first she seems reluctant to share
the role of child nurturer with you, don't take
it too personally. Men are not the only ones
society has done a bad job of socializing. Many
women have been raised to believe that if they
aren't the primary caregivers (even if they work
outside the home as well), they've somehow
failed as mothers.
It’s in everyone’s best interest for
you to do everything you possibly can to become an
involved father. It’s not easy, but the
rewards—for you, your children, and your
partner—are incalculable.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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