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Coping with Your Separation Anxiety
By the time your child is six, she’s probably
already had some experiences with preschool or day
care, and she’s spent some pretty good chunks
of time away from the house. But there’s
something about starting the first
grade—that’s “real” school,
after all—that’s different.
A lot of dads I’ve spoken with have said
that while the start of their children’s
school years was a happy occasion, it was also a
little devastating. On the one hand, we’re
proud that the kids are getting bigger and smarter
and better looking and stronger, but at the same
time we have this general feeling that they’re
slipping away. The issue isn’t the number of
hours away from home. It’s that we’re
slowly becoming aware that our kids don’t need
us as much as they used to, and we’re losing
our ability to influence them. Until recently you
were your child’s primary source of
information about the world. Sure, teachers, peers,
and the media had something to say, but your child
came to you for the final word, and you had a lot
of control over what she learned or didn’t
learn.
That’s all changing now, big-time. Over the
next few years what your child’s friends and
teachers say will carry more and more weight in her
mind. Her own reading will also influence her.
During the next few years your child will gradually
shift from reading as entertainment (which kids do
through the second or third grade) to reading to
learn, which starts happening in about the fourth
grade. Between the friends, the teachers, and the
books, your child will be exposed to all sorts of
new ideas and thoughts and philosophies that you
have very little control over.
Okay, it’s going to take a little doing to
get used to relinquishing control over your
child’s education, but you can handle it.
What’s going to be a lot tougher is to come to
terms with her budding independence. It wasn’t
all that long ago that she wanted to hold your hand
all the time and have you watch every somersault
and hang up all those “You’re the best
daddy in the world” notes that she made for
you all by herself.
But now, as she develops deeper relationships
outside the home, her relationship with you and
your partner will change. There’ll be no
more—or at least a lot less—snuggling in
bed as a family to read stories or watch videos
together; she may get embarrassed about being
hugged or kissed by you, especially in public; she
may not want to talk to you about her day; she
always has someplace else she’d rather be and
may hardly want to spend any time with you at all.
Getting recognition and acceptance from you
won’t be nearly as important as it used to be.
Instead, life will be more about fitting in with
the new crowd and being accepted by them. It’s
a normal part of life. She needs to prove to
herself and others that she can make it in that big
world out there. And in her mind, the only way to
show her independence and fit in with her friends
is to reject you. Doesn’t make a lot of sense
from the adult perspective, but those are the cold,
hard facts.
Novelist Joseph Heller does a great job of
capturing this dynamic. “My boy has stopped
talking to me, and I don’t think I can stand
it. He doesn’t seem to like me. He no longer
confides in me. ‘Are you angry with me?’
I inquire of my boy. ‘No I’m not
angry.’ ‘You don’t talk to me much
anymore.’ ‘I talk.’ He
shrugs.”
But as normal as it is for her to push you away,
it’s just as normal for you to feel confused.
You’ll be proud that your child is growing up,
and you’ll want to encourage her independence.
At the same time, you’ll want to keep her
close to home, where you can protect her from the
world. But watch out: you may have other, more
selfish reasons for not wanting to let your
daughter go. You’ll mourn the loss of your
close relationship, and you’ll feel hurt by
her rejection. Having a child dependent on you made
you feel important and needed, and you don’t
ever want to forget how her hugs and kisses melted
you.
It can be very tempting to take your
child’s rejection personally and “get
even” by pulling back emotionally or even
physically. Big mistake. Try to remember that
you’re the grown-up here, and it’s up to
you to behave like one. Your child may act as
though she doesn’t need you, but deep inside
she does—and she knows it. So don’t stop
being affectionate, just respect her wishes and
don’t kiss her in public, and don’t stop
trying to communicate. Your new and improved role
now is to set boundaries while keeping the door
open, to steel yourself against the sting of
rejection but remind your child that you love her
and that you’ll always be there for her. You
need to show that support unobtrusively, without
feeling hurt, disappointed, or angry, according to
the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP).
You also have to discipline yourself not to expect
much back from you child. It won’t be easy,
but you’d better try: “Parents who need
reassurance of the child’s faithfulness are
the unhappiest people in the world,” writes
the GAP.
Sometimes parents—mothers and
fathers—respond to their child’s
rejection by seeking attention elsewhere, possibly
by having an affair. Most parents, of course,
don’t do this. But among those who do,
it’s common that their children are
“difficult”: intense feelings of
rejection can come up when a child is more strongly
attached to one parent more than the other. The
parent who feels left out may look for a more
sympathetic shoulder to lean on. Or sleep with.
©2012, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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