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Changing Friendships
Dear MrDad: Since becoming a father my wife
and I haven't been able to spend as much time with
our friends as we used to. Some of them seem to
understand but others don't. Is there anything we
can do to keep our friendships alive?
A: Considering how small and helpless
babies are, it's really amazing that they can have
such a powerful impact on the lives of the adults
around them. Simply by being born, your baby has
already transformed you and your partner from a
"couple" into "parents" and your parents and
in-laws into, gasp, "grandparents." Even more
amazing is the impact that babies have on the
pre-existing relationships between the adults in
their lives. Babies can bring a couple together,
for example, or they can create a lot of stress (or
at least magnify it). They can reunite families and
mend old wounds or they can open new ones. They can
even change the nature of your friendships. Here
are a few ways this might play out:
You and your partner aren't going to be nearly
as available for last-minute movies or double-dates
and you might not be quite as happy to have friends
drop by unannounced. And if, by some miracle, you
do end up with a little down time, you're probably
going to want to spend it sleeping or hanging out
with your partner. As a result, some of your
friends might feel a little neglected.
Your new, less-spontaneous lifestyle may affect
your relationships with your single male friends
most of all. Having a new baby probably means fewer
all-night poker games. Your buddies may stop
calling you because they think you're too busy or
not interested in hanging out with them anymore. Or
you might stop calling them because seeing their
relatively care-free and obligation-free lives may
make you jealous.
You and your partner might find yourselves more
interested (or at least more interested than you
were before) in spending time with
people--especially couples--your own age. You might
find that you don't have quite as much in common
anymore with your single or childless friends and
they might start feeling the same way too.
Some of your friends who have children who are
older than yours might start getting on your nerves
by insisting on telling you every single thing they
think you're doing wrong as a parent.
Some of your friends may be disdainful or
unsupportive of your taking an active, involved
role in your baby's life, falling back on the old
stereotype that men should leave the parenting
stuff up to their wives or that putting your family
first could have a negative impact on your
career.
As your kids get older their impact on your
friendships will continue to grow.
For the first little while, your baby will play
with whomever you introduce her to; her first
friends are most likely going to be your friends'
kids. But as she gets older and starts showing
interest in other children and making friends of
her own, this will change: you'll start socializing
with the parents of her friends. This will probably
widen your circle of friends and may even make some
of your adult relationships last longer than they
would have because the kids like playing
together.
Your relationships with new and old friends may
be subtly--or not so subtly--affected by
competition. Let's face it: we all want our
children to be the biggest, smartest, fastest,
cutest, and funniest and it's only natural
(especially for guys) to get a little
competitive.
Here are some things you can do to smooth out
the bumps in your changing friendships:
- Get a calendar and learn how to use it. Work
out a schedule with your partner so that the two
of you can get some time to yourselves--as a
couple and, if you can, as an individual--even
if it's only for an hour or two at a
stretch.
- Watch what you say. No matter how much
people without kids pretend, there's a limit to
how much they really want to hear about all the
exciting things (to you anyway) that your baby
can do or how many times she filled her diaper
today.
- Learn to accept change. It may seem harsh,
but the fact is that you may lose some friends
(and they'll lose you) now that you're a parent.
But you'll gain plenty of new ones in the
process.
- Don't listen to everything everyone else
tells you. Whatever they know about taking care
of children they learned on the job. And that's
how you're going to learn too.
- Don't give in to pressure. Sure, it's
socially acceptable to leave all the childcare
to your partner but it's a lot more rewarding to
jump in and do it yourself. Eventually your
friends (if they're really friends) will come
around and some of them might even end up asking
you for some pointers.
Watch the competition. If your friend's baby
crawls, walks, talks, sings, says "da-da," or gets
a modeling contract or an early-admissions
preschool acceptance letter before your baby does,
you may find yourself more than a little envious.
But you know that your baby is the best one in the
world. Go ahead and let them delude themselves into
thinking that theirs is. Why burst their
bubble?
©2008, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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