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The Men's Group
In my occasions to speak before groups about men's
issues, as well as in my coaching practice, I am
often asked "What are men's issues anyway?" I would
like to address that question with a story.
It was a small Arizona town which, because of
its particular scenic beauty, drew mainly women and
fewer men from all parts of America. Many came to
pursue their inner quest for spiritual peace,
understanding and perhaps gain some glimpse of
wisdom. I had lived there about half a year and
experienced some of each, except the wisdom which
seemed somehow devilishly elusive. The decision to
form a men's group came one summer day at the local
watering hole where a few of us had stopped for a
couple of beers one hot, sultry late afternoon.
The four men I was with, all of us in our
mid-forties, were climbing buddies, finding
masculine pleasures in foraging paths to the tops
of the mountains and mesas that erupted arrogantly
and seductively from the valley floor and laughed
at us tauntingly from 800 or 1,000 feet above. We
had been climbing all day and were exhilarated but
exhausted in that wonderful musky way that
confirmed our manhood to all who would care to
notice, and many who didn't.
Someone had asked why we risked our lives just
to get to the top of something bigger than
ourselves. It was a thoughtful question which led
to many others, equally as troublesome. Troublesome
because we had no answers and, as any woman knows,
a man without an answer is indeed a wretched
encounter. It all started innocently enough when I
suggested we all go back to my place and talk about
the climbing experience.
The five of us settled down in my living room,
and as we talked the conversation began to shift
from good times and bold experiences to the fears
we each experienced as we moved up the mountain
that day. Within a short time, we had gotten into
the deeper subject of fear itself and how difficult
it was to allow ourselves to accept the reality of
feeling afraid. As the talk extended through dinner
and into the night we began to discover that each
had experienced fears that he thought only he had
felt. It came as a distinct surprise to find that
the other guys felt the same things. Soon we
started looking at other things we feared. We
talked long into the early morning hours and
finally broke about 2:00 a.m., exhausted but filled
with delight at our new found experience. It was
the first time that most of us had ever taken the
time to talk to another man about anything other
than work or sports, and we all loved it.
We ended by agreeing to continue the talking the
following week at my place. It was the first
meeting of a men's group that was to continue for
just over a year until two of us moved away at
about the same time. We met without failure every
Wednesday night for two and a half hours. We added
a few other men and discussed every conceivable
subject that had anything to do with men. It had no
real structure and we tried many different kinds of
things. We even tried a couple of guest speakers,
who we couldn't wait to get rid of so that we could
talk. Two of us were in the psychology field, two
were artists, one business owner, one gay waiter,
and a doctor. We laughed, we cried, we told the
truth to each other. For each of us it was the very
first time we had ever been able to confide and
trust in another man.
We talked about our fathers a lot. About how we
didn't have any real idea who they were. About how
they seemed to have no connection to anyone outside
themselves and about how we longed to be hugged and
accepted and loved by them. We worked through many
issues around women. We worked at trying to figure
out what women wanted from us, and what we wanted
from them. Why we needed them as wives, mothers,
friends and teachers and gave so little in return.
About how we were frightened of, but somehow
connected to, those men who loved other men. We got
to explore our addictions and our myths about our
own masculinity in ways that gave us pride and
compassion toward ourselves and our gender.
We explored our visions or lack of them, the
need to cry but the immense resistance to it. We
helped each other walk through the pain and loss of
a relationship, the death of a parent, the loss of
a job, the birth of a child, the failure of a
business, the unfolding of a new relationship and
the agony of a divorce. We asked questions and
dealt out discourse on our spiritual connection to
God/universe and to each other, the meaning of life
and why we needed nuclear war, recycling and
Buicks. And yes, we even talked about sports...but
not for long and not very often. We talked a lot
about violence against men, women and children,
about the fact that 95% of all prisoners are men,
and that most of the women we knew were angry as
hell at men and we hadn't a clue as to why. We
spent a lot of time together, this group of men,
both talking and climbing mountains of many kinds.
And we loved each other a lot.
That group has drifted into many corners of the
land now, and each of us has started other groups
and seen many groups grow and develop as ours did .
In my own case, my next group lasted for six years
until, once again, I moved away. When I'm
asked now by someone about what men's issues are,
few have any idea why I laugh and why a tear comes
to my eye. But you're learning.
© 2008, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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