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The Grandfather
As a personal coach, I often get to participate in
areas of a persons life that effect them at levels
that are deeper than just immediate problem
solving. Sometimes these areas spread to social and
cultural issues which effect us all and cause me to
think about things from differing perspectives. One
should not be surprised to learn that family
relationships are a critical contributor to the
filters through which we view our lives. The
following is an example of that process.
A friend had his first grandson the other day.
His son has fathered a bouncing baby boy and all
are doing well. Although the birth of a son
experience happened to me 30 and 32 years ago, I
still carry the fresh new pride and excitement that
only fatherhood can bring to a man and, in a
particularly different way from that of a daughter,
the birth of a son.
This young father, whom I know quite well,
participated in the birth of his son far more than
I was allowed to. He spent the entire labor period
with his wife and not only viewed the birth itself
but video taped it. Such a remarkable and beautiful
experience for them all to share. I wasn't allowed
to do that with my sons. In fact the hospital staff
sent me home during the labor and called me when it
was all over. That's just the way they did it then
and there. That is one of those unfillable black
holes that I carry around in my little bag of
emotional trash.
My first thoughts were around the memory of how
magical it is to be a father particularly, if only
slightly so, for the first time. I suspect this
young man will be more involved with his children
in the early years than I, and most of my
generation of men, was partly because it has become
far more acceptable socially to do so and because
there is so much more information available today
on the importance of fathers in a baby's life. The
culture, for many reasons, is simply more
supportive and expectant of deep father involvement
in the raising of children and it is obvious that
he takes that involvement quite seriously. I am
just so delighted that this new soul has a father
who is totally immersed and committed to his well
being. My later thoughts then turned to the
availability of multiple generations of male role
models in a young mans life and that is what I
chose to write about today.
So now my friend is part of three generations of
sons alive and well. Having spent the better part
of my life dealing with the father-son dynamic and
father absence syndrome in one way or another, I
would think that my perspective might be less
excitable about the potentials inherent in three
generations of men side by side. But truthfully, it
still seems as wonderful and exciting an idea as I
can imagine. The potential for passing down the
genetic inheritance through the extended
evolutionary chain is deliciously available and
mystically demanding.
I don't mean the physical genetics, that is what
it is without (at least not yet) being subject to
our choices and it is constantly being changed and
advanced as each new strain is introduced and
intermixed. I'm speaking of the masculine memories
that make the father - son interaction so deeply
active and alive even when it is non-existent
physically. I'm addressing the history, pain,
excitement, humor and life values of men who have
fought their battles and won some/lost some but
always found a way to survive and create some form
of legacy.
As I sit and contemplate what grandfathering is
all about, I realize that part of my excitement is
in recognizing that we don't pass that legacy to
our children but to our grandchildren. I have long
examined and quoted the Jungian idea that spirit
passes from father to grandchild, skipping a
generation but until now I don't think I fully
understood it.
Mythology tells us that it is the father who
must, symbolically, stand in the doorway to the
future and block the son from going forth to his
own discovery of self, for it cannot be found
without a battle. The father is the symbolic
embodiment of everything that is holding the son
from finding his own true self. The son must fight
the father and win if he is to come into his own
and if he does not win that battle both father and
son die spiritually. It is an inherent element in
the great mystery of life. The advice and reason
that we so dearly want to give our sons to protect
them from themselves and the world is deeply
suspect. It is seen by the son as being possessed
with treason and treachery and self interest and
directly opposed to the immediate interests of the
son. Whether it is or it isn't, the battle rages
until it is over.
But there is no such battle to be fought with
the grandson. The grandson is the proof that the
genetic and spiritual seed lives, that the greatest
battle, that of selective evolution, has been won.
He comes with innocence and openness and a
willingness to fight his battles as he must. Now my
friend, as grandfather, can finally watch the
legacy go to its rightful owner.
His comment to me was as magical in itself as
the story of the birth; "If I can watch him learn
to laugh at himself and be glad that God has
granted him his small patch of time to be able to
grow and be happy and spread his seed to future
generations, it will have been worth it."
© 2010, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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