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Rites of Passage
Risk! Risk! Care no more for the opinions of others
or for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth
for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. -
Katherine Mansfield, Journals
Having studied, lived with, observed,
therapist-ized, raised from birth been one and now
coaching, many hundreds of men during my awake
years (mine started at age 45), it might not
surprise anyone that I have come to several
conclusions about men. First is that we are truly
magnificent. In fact, we are equally as great a
miracle as women, although we may not always smell
as nice and perhaps we really don't multi-task
quite as well.
We are, however, often an enigma to the opposite
gender and almost always to ourselves. We are
highly complex extensions of our genitalia and like
it or not, that is one of those truths we must
face. Frankly, living that enigma really is a great
way to go through life but it is also so often
misunderstood that it creates great social and
emotional barriers to happiness. Yes, for us men
testosterone is not only a way of life, it is the
essence of life. It is what makes us go, create,
perform, compete, achieve, defend, and sometimes
make complete asses of ourselves. (That last in
deference to the opinion of others.) It is at once
the most creative and most destructive agent on the
planet. We get to live with this paradox full time
and few ever get the chance to examine it and hence
potentially gain control of it. There are many
areas that we can explore in an attempt to gain
this control and we will look at many of them
during the course of this newsletter, but the most
critical is what I call the great missing link:
Rights of Passage.
Most sociologists refer to this phenomenon as
RITES of Passage and that has been historically
appropriate but I call it RIGHTS of Passage which I
believe is more appropriate to our times. First
coined and translated into English by Arnold van
Gennep in 1906, Rites of passage has been the
defining point of departure for the transition from
boy to man since the beginning of the homo sapien
era. Western culture and rapidly most other
cultures around the world have given up the
traditional spiritually based "rite" for the
concept of instant gratification. This, of course,
is a direct result of the unprecedented increase in
the speed of human evolution which is communication
based.
The need, however, for a passage or ritual to
identify the transition is not culturally based,
but soul based and is therefore still required, as
a condition of our being, to enable men to identify
themselves as adults, have society recognize that
fact and assume the responsible nature of that
title. Without it we carry adolescence further and
further into adulthood which is reflected in
behaviors that are seen by others as
non-responsiblity for our own actions. It is called
"extended adolescence."
What has become known for the first time in
history in any culture as male mid-life crisis is
actually only the soul's need to express its RIGHT
to discover its own maturity...and it will rarely
be denied this RIGHT even if the psyche must create
a crisis to force it to happen. So, the "Right of
Passage" is really a critical element in the
evolution of the life of the modern male. The
"crisis' is manifest in every action that a man
takes and is evident as at least a partial
motivation in all his choices. How each man handles
this inevitable transition is a measure of the
development of his character and the values by
which he lives.
Contemporary literature, and in particular
modern media, has chosen this inner conflict that
all men experience to some degree as suitable for
comedic commentary. The American male in
particular, regardless of ethnic origin, is so
often seen as incompetent and denigrated within the
family structure that it has become a
self-fulfilling role model. Watch almost any TV
sitcom and one sees the male as either continually
representing infantile intelligence and gross
behavioral ineptitude, or capable of little other
than vengeance and uncontrolled violence. That is
simply not the case. The great majority of us are
capable, effective and loving but empty at some
level. That emptiness is the result of incomplete
passage into manhood. That passage is the "truth"
that is searched for throughout the mythologies of
all cultures.
In Transitions #1 we got to look at one corner
of a very small part of one major factor in this
puzzle; father absence. In successive issues we
will look similarly at the many other factors that
play a role in understanding gender realities.
Rights of Transition will be the thread that ties
them all together.
You are still reading this because some part of
you has seen some part of a truth you would like to
know more about. The poem at the opening reflects
for me what I would like to request of you; it is
no more than that which I ask of my coaching
clients: "Do the hardest thing on earth for you.
Act for yourself. Face the truth."
© 2007, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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