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Men and Friendship - 2
"Thy friend, which is as thyown soul."
Deuteronomy
Ten years ago, in my book ‘Who Was That
Masked man Anyway?", I wrote a fun little story
about a friend I had as a boy going through
puberty. His name was Mush. Well, actually his name
was Martin but given his physical stature at the
time, Mush was far more descriptive. Mush was a
good friend and we had many wonderful experiences
together. But, as with most men who had easy
friendships with boys, as boys, that friendship
paled as we grew up and eventually just
disappeared. That story asked a very basic question
about men; why do we so rarely enjoy deep, long
lasting and spiritually bonded friendships with
other men?
Now, a decade later, I find myself once again
asking questions about friendship between men. In
my daily coaching practice I regularly see the lack
of close friendships between men coming up as a
concern, often masqueraded as many other things but
ending up in a loneliness, sense of isolation or
discontent in other areas of life. I am concerned
that it is so universally an emptiness and
wonderfully excited that men are noticing it and
talking about it. What I usually find is that it is
not a social loneliness that concerns us but a soul
loneliness which effects our entire lives. With
great cultural support, we have become masters of
denial around the question, and often miss it
entirely until our middle years when questions of
life values become important than questions of
survival.
It is often assumed that lack of male-male
friendship is a uniquely American phenomenon based
heavily in homophobic fears and that other
cultures, particularly Latin and Mediterranean
cultures are different and far more open about the
value of friendship. Qualitative research, however,
points to a very different conclusion. Men have
trouble with friendships in almost all cultures but
the need for soul connection to other men is
intrinsic to our being and leaves, therefore, a
hole in our experience that begs to be filled.
Although most women report close friendships with
other women, male-male friendships are almost as
rare as real male-female friendships in our
culture. This points up a basic weakness in the
socialization of men to protect individualism
beyond reason and a disregard for that which is
healthy for the society as well as the individual.
In his, unfortunately out of print, book (very few
men's books last more than a year on the market),
"Men & Friendship", Stewart Miller says, "...by
and large modern philosophy is about aloneness. We
are forlorn, abandoned. Social and political
theory, too, especially here in the United States,
emphasizes isolation rather than
relationship...there has never been a country so
committed to individual wants as opposed to
collective needs. The concept of individualism as a
social idea...was virtually invented in the United
States." It is no longer our exclusively.
Men have "social networks" and "buddies" but
when it comes to defining what a real friendship
is, most men go blank with fear. There will be
resistance to that statement. There is a test,
however. The qualifying question when determining
whether you have "real" friends or just think you
do because it's more comforting to think so than to
create the friendship is; "Would you put your life
in the hands of this man?" Would this man hide you
and your family in the face of great potential harm
to himself? Would you be willing to ask him to do
it? Would you do the same for him? These are hard
questions but I think the answers to them lead to a
pretty good definition of friendship and one that
very few of us care to deal with. It is a question
of love and self-love is defined by our ability to
love others which is gender blind.
I think the time has come to open that door and
look at what other questions are created.
© 2007, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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