The Peeing
Tree - The First Masculine Ritual
From Kenneth F. Byers
When my first boy was an infant, I had a friend
with a son about four. We lived in the same
apartment complex which backed up to a golf course.
Late one summer afternoon as I drove in from work,
I happened to see my friend and his son walking
across the open green expanse toward a huge old oak
tree. I parked and watched them, thinking about the
day when I could walk with my own son, and teach
him of the world. When they reached the tree, each
unzipped his pants and proceeded to urinate on the
great old tree. When they finished they zipped up,
chatted for a minute, then turned around and headed
back across the fairway to their apartment. A day
or two later when I happened to see my friend, I
asked him about that incident. It was a beautiful
story which I will share with you.
As a boy, my friend Bill did not have much
physical or emotional contact with his father. The
man worked a great deal and it was not the kind of
job to which he could take Bill. So Bill watched
his Dad disappear six mornings a week to some
secret place, with great curiosity and not a little
jealousy. His Dad worked very hard and when he got
home it was his habit to have a quiet dinner and
listen to the news on the radio, occasionally tuck
Bill into bed and disappear again, to where Bill
had no idea.
On Sundays dad would spend most of the day
wrapped around the newspaper or sleeping or doing a
little work around the house. The father didn't
talk much to Bill, or anyone else for that matter,
and by the time Bill was four or five, he had
learned that dads were not very available for
conversation. There was never much doubt in Bill's
mind that his father loved him very much, but he
could never seem to get the same kind of attention
that mom gave him, and it bothered him. Wasn't he,
after all, a man, just like his dad?
So, at around the age of seven, Bill decided
that he needed to talk to his Dad. One bright
summer Sunday, he approached the older man and
asked why he never talked to anyone but mom. Bill
asked if that meant his father was not happy, and
if his unhappiness was Bill's fault. At this, his
father stared at Bill for a few long moments and
asked why Bill thought he might be unhappy. "Well,"
he remembered saying, "how can you be happy if you
don't talk?" Slowly, the father took Bill's hand
and walked with him in silence to a far corner of
their yard. Here they stopped beneath a great old
oak tree.
"Son," the big man said, "there is no greater
happiness in the world than in this old tree. It
does not have to talk to be happy. It's happy just
being a tree." "But you are not a tree, you're my
dad," said the boy." "Yes, but knowing that you are
my son makes me just as happy as this tree." The
boy thought about this for a moment, looking up
into the full and inviting arms of the tree. "But
Dad," he said eventually, "how do you know the tree
is happy?" "Well", he said gently and with a rarely
seen smile, "it just looks happy. We can tell by
the great size and fullness and richness of its
branches and by its strength." "Can I help the tree
be happy?" asked the young one.
With this, the father thought for a moment.
"I'll tell you what, Bill. I'll bet that if you
give the tree a gift, it would be even happier than
it is now." "What kind of a gift could we give a
tree, dad?" "Well, the most important thing for a
tree is water. Without water the tree would quickly
die. Suppose you and I pee on this tree and give it
the gift of water." "Oh yes," cried Bill, "let's do
that. Let's do that."
After that day it was never very hard for Bill
to find a way to talk to his father when something
important was on his mind. He would just ask him to
come pee on the tree with him. Bill does not recall
his father ever refusing.
With the passing years and the life of his
father, Bill forgot about the ritual. Life got
complicated, he fell in love and was married and
eventually had a son of his own. That afternoon,
when I had seen the two of them at the old oak, the
boy had asked his father a very serious question.
He wanted to know the difference between boys and
girls. Bill felt uncomfortable but hesitated to
brush the query aside.
Suddenly, the memory of his father came to him
and he took the boy into his first initiation. As
they stood before the great oak, Bill told his son,
"Well, son, I guess that we're all pretty much the
same in most ways but the main difference between
boys and girls is that girls can have babies, which
is very nice..but boys can pee on trees." Sometimes
the greatest wisdom is in the simplest answers.
© 2010, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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