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February
Dumping the Soul Mate
Valentine’s Day is here and with it, the
annual fluttering about the importance of finding
your soul mate. A recent university-sponsored
survey of 20-somethings discovered that 90 percent
believe that when you marry, you want your spouse
to be your soul mate, first and foremost.
I used to agree with this statement. Now I think
it’s dangerous.
It’s not that I discount those first-blush,
super-energized shivers of heat and hope. And
it’s great when a new love seems to understand
everything we say, and even some of what we
don’t.
But neither chemical attraction nor spiritual
connection constitutes a soul mate.
I learned this recently while interviewing
face-to-face – for a book on married men
– 60 American husbands about their
relationships. A dozen of these men had been
married for 50 years or longer; one had been with
his wife for an unfathomable 72 years.
And what did these experienced husbands have to
say about younger men and women who are searching
for a soul mate? Two words: Stop it.
Indeed, the collective wisdom of the men I
surveyed could be put quite simply: You don’t
find a soul mate. You create one.
Chemical attraction is one ingredient in this
creation, no doubt. And yes, you’ve got to be
able to talk to, dream with, and share values with
the other person. But the most important ingredient
in developing a soul mate, husbands told me, is
time.
It may take 30 or 40 years, or more. Soul-mate
status comes not just from sharing euphoric
moments, but from enduring tragedy and
disillusionment as well. Together, soul-mates
suffer money problems, and illnesses, and seasons
without sex. Sometimes they even fall out of love
for a time.
One of the wisest men I interviewed for my book
was a man named David Popenoe of New Jersey. When
we spoke, he was 71 years old, and had been married
for 44 years. In his day job, he was co-director of
the National Marriage Project at Rutgers
University.
In my conversation with Popenoe, when I first
brought up the concept of soul mates, he
harrumphed. He said people seeking soul-mates
usually are setting themselves up for a fall.
That’s because few partners can live up to the
expectations that the term implies.
And then Popenoe offered what may be the best
advice I heard for those who are determined to have
a soul-mate relationship: Spend less time trying to
find the right mate, and more time trying to be the
right mate.
©2008, Neil
Chethik
* * *
For 20
years, Neil Chethik has made it his goal to find
out what men really think -- about family,
relationships, fathering, aging, sex, and more. He
is the author of two best-selling books,
Fatherloss
(Hyperion) and VoiceMale
(Simon & Schuster). He’s been a nationally
syndicated columnist, a big-hall speaker, and now,
the national media’s go-to guy for what men
really think about their everyday lives. Contact:
Neil Chethik, P.O. Box 8071, Lexington, KY 40533 or
859.361.1659 or E-Mail
or
www.NeilChethik.com
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