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March
Siblings and Rivalry: Do You Like Your Brother?
Ever since Sigmund Freud had his say, the words
"sibling" and "rivalry" have been as inseparable as
the Smothers Brothers. Freud believed that siblings
– and brothers, Especially – had an
almost irresistible urge to compete with each
other, defeat each other, and strut around like
bantam roosters while they were at it.
Freud was not wrong. But his emphasis on rivalry
became a doctrine. And it left overshadowed and
understudied the less dramatic, but equally
significant, peacemaking that occurs between many
brothers as they mature out of their childhood
needs.
In her personal and perceptive book, Original
Kin, Philadelphia journalist Marian Sandmaier
takes us on a journey into the adult sibling bond,
uncovering the roots of its discontents and its
potential for change. In the end, she shows us that
adults who create close relationships with their
siblings tend to feel more secure, supported and
fulfilled.
"There's an old cliche: 'You had to be there.'
Well, no one will ever be there in the same way as
a sibling," Sandmaier says. "The adult sibling
relationship is unique because it offers a rare
depth of mutual sympathy."
This has certainly been true between me and my
brother Leigh. Three years younger than me, Leigh
was my competitor from the start. We fought over
toys and friends and the lines that divided the
space in our common bedroom. We competed in sports,
chess and academics.
This rivalry, with its emotional and physical
tormenting, continued into our late adolescence.
Then, a family crisis struck. Our older brother
became ill.
Almost immediately, my relationship with Leigh
began to change. Animosity gave way to an uneasy
alliance, then to a growing appreciation and,
finally, to a genuine friendship. We discovered
that once we put our enmity aside, we could talk
about family concerns, and our own lives, with an
understanding we could find nowhere else.
Now in our 40s, Leigh and I still have moments
of competition. But it no longer dominates the
relationship. Trust and affection have emerged as
equal partners. My wife and I named our first child
after Leigh; I was the best man at his wedding.
Sandmaier, who interviewed 80 siblings for her
book, says a family crisis -- the death of a
parent, for example -- often triggers this
transition from fighting to friendship. But some
brothers, she adds, end their rivalry naturally in
their 30s or 40s, as they discover that perpetual
competition (in business as well as relationships)
can be wearing and unrewarding.
Sometimes, Sandmaier says, one brother will
refuse to make peace. The past may be too painful
for him, or the present too hectic. Often, however,
a simple phone conversation or dinner together can
help brothers begin to shed the armor that once
seemed necessary for survival, but now keeps them
apart.
Sandmaier offers no further prescription for
breaking the sibling barrier; each relationship has
a different set of dynamics. But she says that in
her interviews with adult brothers, she witnessed a
joy and ease in those who had put their differences
aside.
"There was a great deal of hilarity and joking
around," she recalls. "There seemed to be a lot of
pleasure in their being together, and a deep sense
of satisfaction. Each seemed to be saying to the
other: 'I know who you are, and I like you that
way.'"
What is/was your relationship with your
siblings? Write to me at E-Mail.
©2010, Neil
Chethik
* * *
For 20
years, Neil Chethik has made it his goal to find
out what men really think -- about family,
relationships, fathering, aging, sex, and more. He
is the author of two best-selling books,
Fatherloss
(Hyperion) and VoiceMale
(Simon & Schuster). He’s been a nationally
syndicated columnist, a big-hall speaker, and now,
the national media’s go-to guy for what men
really think about their everyday lives. Contact:
Neil Chethik, P.O. Box 8071, Lexington, KY 40533 or
859.361.1659 or E-Mail
or
www.NeilChethik.com
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