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Talking to your kids about sex
I learned about sex when I was ten. An older boy,
Mike, explained the "facts of life" to my friend
Shep and I as we poured over a stash of Playboy
magazines in our secret fort. Shep was sure Mike
was lying. He told me not to believe any of it. I
didn't know who to trust, so I asked my mom what
sex was. She read a book with me about how the
dad's sperm meets the mom's ovum and a baby starts
to grow. That was all very nice, but the details of
how that sperm gets in there were discreetly
omitted. My curiosity was not at all satisfied.
Sex, according to my mom's book, was for
reproduction. Even at ten years old I knew there
was more to it than that. I'd venture to guess that
less than .5% of all adult sex is for reproduction.
The vast majority of sex is for intimacy, pleasure,
or both. But no one I could trust was willing to
talk to me about these things. I had to figure out
what sex was about from adult magazines, movies,
and the often very distorted information I could
get from peers.
My experience was not unique. Most of us learn
about sex in a shroud of shame and misinformation.
Shame grows whenever it is not okay to talk about
something. It's like anaerobic bacteria that
festers in closed containers. Once exposed, it
dies. Talking about sex heals shame (or prevents it
from gaining a foothold in a young person's
psyche). As a psychotherapist I am well acquainted
with the effects of unaddressed sexual shame: men
feeling inadequate due to unrealistic expectations
of themselves, women unable to communicate their
sexual needs, couples unable to find consensual
love-making because one is desperate for sex and
the other confused, and most everyone wondering at
some level if their particular sexuality is really
okay.
I think a lot of the trouble we adults have with
sex is because our sexual education needs were
neglected. In recent years we have been uncovering
the tragedy of sexual abuse, both its shocking
prevalence and its painful effects. But we have not
yet acknowledged that the deliberate denial of
information about sex is also hurtful to young
people. If we did not teach our children to read,
we would be considered neglectful. If we did not
teach them manners, our parenting would be widely
questioned. So I think it is time to consider sex
education to be a vital developmental need that we
cannot allow to be ignored.
How then, do we as parents talk about sex with
our children? Most of us are too embarrassed to
even bring the subject up. When we do, we often
count on our kids to lead the discussion with their
questions. If there are no questions we assume they
know it all and we're off the hook. Try this
instead. Go down to your favorite bookstore. Tell
them how old your child is and ask for a good book
on sex. Read it yourself and talk to your spouse or
a friend about any parts that make you squirm. If
you need more help, find someone who seems really
comfortable talking about sex and ask them how they
would explain sex to someone your child's age. Then
sit down with your child and read the book
together. Read it as many times as your child seems
interested in it. Then pat yourself on the back.
Well done.
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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