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On Dad's and Love
I remember consoling a woman friend of mine many
years ago. She was crying about her difficulty in
establishing a career. Between her tears she said,
"My dad kept telling me that all I needed to do was
love someone really well, and I would be taken care
of." The message she got was that her job as a
woman was to focus on relationships, and that the
man she finds will do everything else (presumably
better than she could have). This kind of sexism
had left her with great doubts about her ability to
be successful on her own.
I, on the other hand, found this message very
intriguing. No one had ever suggested to me that
the most important thing I had to offer the world
was my love. I was taught that fathers are
important because they earn money, provide
discipline, teach right from wrong, protect their
families, and model manhood. Love wasn't even on
the list. It was mothers who were the experts on
love.
In truth, a father's love is his greatest gift.
But our culture has not reflected back to us the
importance of our love. The loving part of our
natures is largely unattended to in our upbringing.
Consequently most men feel insecure about their
love. We wonder if we love enough or love well
enough. One dad I know spent most of his first
pregnancy worrying how he could possibly bond with
his baby on anywhere near the level he expected his
wife to.
No one would claim that men are universally
skilled in showing their love. Rather, we have had
extensive training in how not to show our feelings.
Hence, many fathers struggle with expressing their
affection. Sometimes they lose this struggle, they
never take down their walls, and they die with
words unsaid. I often hear adults say that they
never knew if their father loved them. I can feel
both the pain of these grown-up children and the
pain of their fathers who never knew how important
their love was.
In the face of our culture's gender steriotypes
it is helpful to keep affirming what we know to be
true. I know my father loved me, though I don't
remember him ever saying it. I know my woman friend
was very competant in her field, though she
struggled to feel confident. As a parent I know
that what I reflect back to my child (about what I
see in her) becomes built into her developing image
of herself. And now I find that I have not outgrown
the need to have the undervalued aspects of my
humanity reflected back to me.
So let us honor the great love within the hearts
of fathers. And let us never mistake a man's
conditioning to avoid his feelings as an actual
lack of love. All men love deeply. How nice it
would be to wake up one morning and hear our loved
ones say, "All you have to do this morning is feel
how much you love us. And thank you so much for
loving us so well."
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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