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Is it a boy or a girl?
When my child was born the midwife and I caught the
baby and wrapped it up in a blanket. I held the
bundle to it's mother's breast. None of us had
noticed if it was a boy or a girl. We wanted to
look, but we decided to give this child a few hours
of life without any gender conditioning. And give
ourselves time to fall in love with this person
before we knew how to picture it's future. My
wife's sister was outraged when we told her over
the phone that the baby was born but that we
couldn't answer her question, "Well... what is
it?!" Most people will not directly interact with a
child until they know it's gender. If not
identified with the telltale pink or blue, an
admirer will ask an infant's parents if it is a boy
or a girl.
The answer to this one question allows them to
begin speaking to the child. Now they know what
tone of voice to use and what compliments would be
appropriate. Gender conditioning begins at birth.
It is important for all of us to try to counter
this conditioning. It is hurtful to both girls and
boys to be boxed into roles that limit the full
expression of their humanity. Sexism is not just
men telling women to stay in their role. It is all
of us telling each other how we are allowed to feel
and behave, based on our gender. Children base
their identity on what we tell them we observe in
them. Consciously or unconsciously we all
predominantly reflect boy-like qualities to boys
and girl-like qualities to girls. We generally
ignore behaviors that do not match the child's
gender. Then we wonder why our children are already
firmly identified with their gender role by age
two.
Many parents try to avoid gender steriotyping
their children. They let the children pick their
own clothes and toys. Then, when their three year
old throws his body at full speed into the back of
my knees, they explain within earshot of the child,
"He's such a boy!" Parents unable to explain why
their own efforts have not blocked the tide of
sexism from washing over their child give up the
fight and stand back in awe of the power of
biology. As they watch their kids line up more and
more with our society's gender roles they usually
feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. Its
not that biology doesn't play it's part. I'm sure
our children's hormones have their effect. We have
no way of determining, however, how much of the
gender differences we notice in children are due to
Nature and how much to nurture. So let us just
agree that both forces are important. If we seek to
protect our children from being gender steriotyped,
it is the cultural forces we must continually try
to counter, even when it seems hopeless.
My daughter (it was a girl) wears only pink
tights and lacy dresses. She could care less about
a bat and a ball. What she has learned from her
culture and peers, despite her parent's best
intentions, makes me cringe in embarrasment over my
inability to influence her. On the other hand, she
also throws herself into my knees at full speed.
(Is that because she's a girl? Maybe its something
about my knees.) And the most rambunctious child at
her school is a girl, not a boy.
Instead of making comments that reinforce
steriotypes whenever you see children comply with
them, try looking for the exceptions and commenting
on them. Notice when boys are focused,
compassionate or communicative. Notice when girls
are physical, strong, or outspoken. Let your
children know that these qualities come at no
surprise to you, in either gender. Several hundred
people have told Molly that she is pretty. No
wonder she only wears dresses. I can't change that.
But I can make sure when we wrestle everyday that
someone is also feeling her biceps and exclaiming
how strong she is, and how powerfully she holds
herself.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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