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The Meaning of Parenting
This past weekend I went to a retreat center,
without the family. I got a chance to walk in the
woods without having to stop and examine each and
every banana slug I passed. I read all evening. I
slept through breakfast. But what I most enjoyed
was having long hours where my thoughts could
wander freely. I kept imagining my daughter's voice
calling, "C'mere Dad. Watch this!" But it was only
the gurgling of the creek beside my cabin.
I read a book by Victor Frankl, a psychologist
who survived world war II in a Nazi concentration
camp. His tales of horror were interspersed with
his ruminations on the meaning of life. Survival of
great suffering, he concluded, depends upon a
person having a strong sense that his or her life
is uniquely meaningful. Although nothing could
ensure against a sudden trip to the gas chamber,
those prisoners who felt their survival was
esstential to someone else were more likely to
endure. For some, a special relationship to God
gave them meaning. For others, it was the chance of
reuniting with a loved one. For Frankl himself, the
driving passion was to write a book that might
offer hope to people in despair. Meaning is found,
Frankl states, "when we have forgotten ourselves
and become absorbed in someone or something outside
of ourselves."
While parenting is full of trials, there is no
comparing it with Frankl's concentration camp
experience. Still, a clear sense of the meaning we
hold for ourselves as parents may be helpful to us
in enduring the tribulations inherent in our role.
Parenting clearly requires that we forget ourselves
and become absorbed in the needs of our children. I
think of all the sleep I lost caring for a baby,
the thousands of diapers I changed, the endless
games of Crazy-Eights, and all the miles of
cross-town traffic to and from this or that class
or birthday party. There must be some meaning for
me in all of this, or why would I put up with
it?
Of course we all love our children. But what
unique perspective does each of us have that gives
us the energy to go on when we are past the end of
our rope? Is there something special about your
child that no one else understands like you do? Is
there something you really want to teach them, some
special wisdom you have to impart? Is there a dream
you have of what your child may become? Are you
hoping to correct a wrong you suffered from in your
childhood? Where is your passion in being a
parent?
My own passion is to be close to my child in a
way that my father never could. His role as
breadwinner separated him from his children, and
his training as a man made him uncomfortable with
emotions and closeness. From deep within me comes a
desire to claim that as a father I can be as deeply
bonded with my daughter as any parent and child can
be. It is in my parenting that I am trying to
become the kind of man I want to be. Part of all
that I do for my daughter, I am really doing for
myself. I am proving to myself that I can feel,
that I can care, that I can love, that I am
human.
If my daughter knows of my selfish motives, she
doesn't seem to mind.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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