|
Just Go to Sleep
I thought she was asleep. She hadn't wiggled for
about five minutes. Her breathing was slow and
regular. I quietly slipped out of bed, pulled her
covers up, and tiptoed to the door. "Good night," I
heard her whisper.
I stopped in my tracks. The sound of her voice
meant that I needed to go back, sing a few more
lullabies and wait until she was really asleep.
Since Molly was born, seven years ago, Sue (Molly's
mother) or I have lain in bed with her every night
until she falls asleep. Usually, it doesn't take
very long. And it is a sweet time. I softly sing to
her as she lets go of consciousness, trusting her
dad to keep her safe. Some nights, however, have
seriously tried my patience. Her legs will keep
squirming or she will keep sucking on her fingers,
refusing to close her eyes. My voice tense, I end
up demanding, "Molly, just lie still and go to
sleep already!"
I hear about other families who send their
children to bed and the kids go to sleep by
themselves. Usually this takes some period of time
where the parents do not respond to the child's
cries. When parents can consistently ignore the
cries, the child often learns to give up and fall
asleep. When parents are inconsistent in responding
to the child's cries, however, bedtime can become a
terrible battle of wills that lasts for years.
In deciding how we wanted our bedtimes with
Molly to go, Sue and I carefully considered our
options. Staying with her until she falls asleep
would require quite a commitment of time and
energy. Neither time nor energy is an endless
resource in our family. Yet we both felt strongly
that we would not make Molly cry herself to sleep,
not even for a single night.
Every parent must decide what are the key things
they want to offer their children. Some are moved
by the goal of imparting a love of Nature or of
God. Some parents feel particularly called to teach
their kids to respect others. Some feel it is vital
that their child learn to be independent.
Of the many things Sue and I wanted for Molly,
we felt particularly passionate about offering her
a strong sense of emotional security. For us, this
translated into "being there for her whenever she
needed, until she doesn't need us any more".
We have been far from successful in living up to
this ideal. Many times I dropped Molly off at
daycare, knowing that she didn't want me to leave.
sometimes I left her there in tears, wrenching
myself away, and praying that when I returned the
care-giver would reassure me that she had stopped
crying and played happily since a minute or two
after I left. I told myself that my job as a parent
is to make sure she is in safe loving hands, even
if she cannot always be in her parent's hands.
We chose to put Molly in daycare because we both
had part time jobs, and because we knew that after
about four hours of caring for her as a toddler,
neither of us had the patience to continue giving
her the quality of care she deserved. But we felt
that if we could give her really good attention at
the end of each day, it might help heal any of the
traumas she suffered during the part of the day
that we were not around.
So we have laid with her every night for seven
years. At times we have wondered, "Exactly when
will we not have to do this any more? Is there a
danger here of Molly never learning to go to sleep
by herself? Will we be doing this when she is a
teenager? Are we raising a girl who will choose
terrible adult relationships because she can't
stand to sleep alone until she finds the right
partner?" Without an answer to these questions we
have continued to lay with Molly, trusting that one
day we would know Molly didn't need it any
more.
So there I was, on my way out the door when I
heard her say, "Good night." It took a moment to
realize that she was not saying, "Come back Daddy.
Sing me another lullaby!" She was just saying,
"Good night."
I said, "Good night, Molly" and closed the door
behind me, knowing that she was still awake and
choosing to be alone to fall asleep. I felt like I
had finally finished the first chapter of a very
wonderful book.
© 2007, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
