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Until Mid-life Do We Reconsider
I looked up my best friend, Charley, from high
school on a recent visit to my parents. "How are
you doing?" I asked. His reply was short and to the
point. "Mid-life crisis." "Really?" I replied. "In
spades!" he said, "Connie and I may split up."
I wondered how to support him. Do I remind him
of the virtues of sticking it out? Or do I
encourage him in his bid for freedom and the chance
for a new and better relationship? Do I ask him how
he thinks his choices will affect his kids, Eva and
Corey? I decided to just listen to him as he tried
to figure it all out.
I was struck by the agony of his dilemma. He
would give anything for his kids. But what is
better for them, to have their parents together and
struggling, or separated and hopefully happier?
Many couples come upon this question, and each must
find their own answer. I have heard many wise but
contradictory points of view articulated. Here are
some of them:
"The excitement of a new relationship is very
seductive. But it always fades. That's how our
nervous systems work. We stop getting excited about
the things that are always there. I remember how
excited I was when I fell in love with my wife, and
I know that if I found someone new it would just be
a matter of time before we would be right where my
wife and I are now. Then what would I
do?"
"I keep growing and changing so much that it
seems really unreasonable to expect that the
partner I chose fifteen years ago would still be
right for me. Maybe we shouldn't expect lifetime
partnerships. Maybe we should actually plan on
switching things around every ten years or
so."
"My parents split up and I hated it. I don't
care how annoying Hal can be. He loves the kids.
And raising them would be a lot harder if we
separated. Maybe when they leave home I'll leave
him. But not now."
"I'm glad my parents split up. I couldn't stand
their bickering. My mom modeled for me that I don't
have to just settle for something that isn't right
for me. And my dad finally found someone who
accepts him the way he is, mostly."
"When the magic of being in love fades (the part
of life movies always end prior to) we are left
only with the sense of meaningfulness that we have
created with our own choices. I love my wife, not
because she thrills me after twenty years together,
but because I am thrilled by my own choice to live
my life with her. My adventure is to find all the
wonders of the world right here, with her."
"I want to split up with my wife, but I don't
want to leave my son. I wish I could just live next
door and we could have barbecues together a lot."
"I'm sorry, but my kids are not the most
important thing in the world to me. I have to do
what's right for me, even if I know it will be hard
for them. I would rather trust that they can adjust
to changes in our family than end up resenting them
for a choice that I made supposedly on their
behalf."
"When I finally decided to stay with my husband
I had to kiss my escape fantasy good-bye. It had
comforted me a long time and I did not want to let
it go. But when I did, something changed. I started
listening to what he had been saying about me all
these years. Like how I never let anyone in. You
know what? He was right."
"Kids need love. They need an abundance of good
attention. It doesn't matter what constellation of
family, friends or relatives give it to them. This
"tragedy" of the broken family is a cultural
fiction, a result of our attachment to a single
image of how families are supposed to look. It
doesn't matter if parents live together or not.
What matters is how much time and energy we give to
our children."
"I felt so guilty about wanting to get divorced.
I dreaded telling my children and my parents. Then,
during a fight with my husband, I realized that I
had been letting the marriage deteriorate on
purpose. I needed it to get so bad that no one in
their right mind could tell me I should stay."
When there are kids involved, the question of
divorce becomes harder to answer. You can't just
walk away without looking back. Even if you live
separately, you will continue to have to reckon
with your child's other parent. The only really
clear conclusion from sociological research on
families is that ongoing conflict between parents
is painful for their children. For your children's
sake, you simply have to find a way to stop
fighting, whether you divorce or not.
It also clear that parenting from separate
households can be very difficult. It is hard for
both kids and parents to be apart. Kids aren't
always good at telling you about themselves. An
important part of parenting is simply watching your
child, so you can understand and help them with the
struggles they don't know how to talk about.
Carefully observing your child becomes hard when
you don't live with them full time. So before
parents choose divorce, it makes sense to really
consider if reconciliation within the marriage is
possible. I recommend the following
questions:
1) Is the problem my spouse, or the stress of
parenthood? Parenting can be really stressful. Some
parents do not know what they are getting
themselves in for when they conceive. Romantic
notions of family can quickly fade when the
enormous toll of parental exhaustion and lack of
personal time become a daily reality. Stressed out
parents can blame each other for not helping more,
when in fact, both are overextended.
2) Is there an crucial irreconcilable
difference, or just a big pile of stuff we haven't
dealt with? Keeping a relationship passionate
requires ongoing exploration of each other, and a
commitment to resolving differences as they arise.
If you want a new partner because you haven't been
taking out the garbage regularly in your present
marriage, then you are likely to be disappointed
once the initial glow of a new partner wears off.
Many people divorce because they simply don't know
how to deal with accumulated emotional
baggage.
3) Am I stuck in patterns from my past, and
hoping a new relationship will free me? It is hard
to know when you may be unconsciously fixed in
dysfunctional patterns from the family you grew up
in. By definition, the unconscious is unknown to
the self. But all through our lives we get feedback
about how others see us. Do we ignore this
feedback, work around it, or use it to inspire
self-exploration and change? New relationships can
prove just as disappointing as old ones, but the
journey of self-exploration is never boring,
dispassionate, or complete.
4) Have I been denying my truth to avoid the
guilt or shame of getting a divorce? Dysfunctional
patterns can keep us in a bad marriage as well as
ruin a good one. Societal pressures against divorce
can be very hurtful to people who really need to
end their marriages. Sometimes the choice to
separate is the right one. There is a voice within
each of us that can give us this guidance once our
self-awareness is clear enough to hear it. If
divorce is the answer, the needs of the children
involved can be carefully addressed. And a better
life might be the result.
© 2005 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than
your presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to hartnett@sasquatch.com
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice &
fax.
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