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The Naked Truth
In our backyard sits a hot tub. My partner Amy and
I like to soak in it. And we like it best when we
are naked. My daughter Molly often joins us. When
we are alone, she likes to be naked too. But when
her friends are visiting, we all wear bathing
suits. You can never be sure what people will think
about a family that sits around naked together.
I've never seen my parents naked. We didn't do
that in Minnesota in the 1960's. Being naked was
something people did only when bathing by
themselves or while having sex. This has had two
negative effects on me.
Firstly, I never learned what real people look
like when they are naked. The only naked people I
saw were the female models in the Playboy
magazines my friend Mike dug out of his father's
wastebasket. We would secretly huddle together in
the garage studying the subject no adult dared
teach us, "sex". These magazines were our only
guide.
Mike and I drew some very wrong conclusions from
our research. We thought women had to look a
certain way to be considered beautiful. And we were
unprepared for the bodies of lovers we would
eventually be exposed to. We learned nothing about
the beauty of a round belly or the beauty of the
wrinkles that highlight a woman's features only as
she ages.
And we learned nothing of men. They were absent
from those magazines. We assumed that men were
simply to ugly to warrant photographing. If we were
to experience beauty, it seemingly had to be
through admiring a woman. Our own bodies were an
embarrassment, void of any attractiveness.
Secondly, my lack of opportunity to see naked
bodies in any other context left me equating nudity
with sex. This strong association has taken me some
time to break. I used to think about sex most of
the time that a naked body was in my presence. But
over the years of being around friends who are
comfortable being naked, I gradually formed a clear
distinction. Nudity is about our bodies without
clothes on. Sex is about touching genitals.
While the difference is clear in my own mind, I
am aware that many people in our society still have
nudity and sex tightly associated. Europeans, in
general, seem more comfortable with nudity. In
America, however, writing about nudity in a
parenting magazine is likely to draw some
impassioned letters to the editor. We feel the need
to protect children from exposure to anything
sexual, and that means nudity is definitely
taboo.
The danger of hurting children through sexual
abuse is important to acknowledge. Far too many
children have been traumatized by adults
(especially men) using them for sexual
gratification. The experience can be so confusing,
shaming, and painful that it's effects can cripple
the sex lives of it's survivors. Adults who
experience sexual attraction to children,
therefore, must be very careful to avoid situations
that might generate urges that are difficult to
control. This is a good reason to avoid nude
contact with children.
It should also be acknowledged, however, that
all over town mothers and fathers are taking
showers and baths with their sons and daughters.
They laugh and splash and play. Meanwhile, the
children are also learning that their bodies are
nothing to be embarrassed about. They are learning
to be comfortable with themselves. And their
comfort with nudity will likely help them be more
comfortable with sex when they become adults.
I fear that others will misinterpret our
family's practice of being naked together. I
imagine other parents may feel the same fear. The
hammer of sexual shame can pound heavily. But when
we model pride in our bodies, confidence in our
boundaries, and open communication, we protect our
children better than we do with silence and secrecy
about perfectly normal and natural family
nudity.
© 2009, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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