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The Biggest Stress In Today's Families
As a parent I try to advocate for the well being of
my fellow parents and our children. This newspaper
is dedicated to that mission as well. Articles
appear that help us to cope with the stresses in
our lives. We get tips on being better parents, and
we are able to connect to various community
resources which can enrich our lives.
My personal mission in this column has been to
model fathering as a priority in men's lives. I
have attempted to address cultural issues men and
women face in relation to parenting. And I have
tried to help both mothers and fathers reflect upon
the poignancy of their role, to strengthen the
sense of meaning we derive from our daily
care-giving. Many times, however, the problems
parents experience are much greater than can be
truly addressed by any advice even the best parent
educator can offer. How do you give battling
siblings the individual attention they each need
when you come home from work exhausted and have
only enough time to make dinner, clean up, and get
them to bed? On the weekends, how do you take care
of everything you need to do AND give the kids
quality time AND have some time to yourself AND get
some intimate time together with your partner? How
do you buy a house with enough space AND save for
your retirement AND save for college tuitions AND
not stay up late worrying about money?
Our economic system is hugely unjust, and it is
time to recognize that 80% of our families, not
just the poor, are suffering. Consider the
following statistics. The top one percent of our
population owns 40% of the nation's wealth. That's
up from 20% twenty years ago. The top ten percent
own 70% of the wealth. That leaves 30 % for the
other 90% of us. 45% of US households have less
than three months of financial reserves. 50% of US
households have seen their real income (adjusted
for inflation) stagnate or decline since 1980.
Meanwhile, the incomes of the top one percent (over
330 K/year) have doubled. In the papers we read of
economic boom times, but this boom is almost all
going to the wealthy.
The consequences of these gross inequities are
far reaching. They extend into our family life on a
daily basis. In many families parents who would
love to spend more time at home both have to work
full time. When only one parent has a job, it often
demands such long hours that the working parent
barely sees the kids, and the care-giving parent
never gets a break. Families who need help caring
for their children can't afford to pay child care
workers decent wages. Many good child care workers,
consequently, can't afford to stay in the
field.
At the same time that we try to provide for a
family we must also be saving for retirement. Few
trust that as elderly people we will not live in
poverty if we haven't saved a large sum of money.
Thus we must make choices daily to invest in our
own future security instead of provide for our
children the way we would like to.
When my daughter wants to be a teacher, or an
artist, or gardener, do I tell her to follow her
bliss? Or do I say, "Well you know, if you ever
want to own your own house you had better pick your
career on the basis of how much money you can make,
not what you like to do, or who you would like to
help".
People often experience these economic stresses
their personal failure. They think there is
something wrong with them for not having anything
to invest in this really cool stock market. Or they
feel like a loser because they still rent, or
because their house payment takes half their
paycheck. The reality is that hard work at a
worthwhile task that benefits the community no
longer guarantees anyone a decent living for their
family. The only ways to really make money are to
have a lot of it to begin with or to pursue wealth
for it's own sake, without being hindered by other
values. Something is very wrong with this
picture.
What can we do to make it better? We can stop
blaming ourselves and start changing the injustices
of our system. Campaign finance reform is a good
start. For five dollars a person we could publicly
finance all campaigns and end our current system of
legal bribery. Then we could return to having the
wealthy pay their share of our taxes. Instead of a
flat tax or a national sales tax (proposals which
shift the tax burden even further onto the
shoulders of working families), we could ask those
with incomes over 200 thousand to use their profits
to strengthen the social security system (without
privatizing it).
How would it affect your family if you could
focus more on raising your children and less on
wondering if you will ever be able to retire? That
would be a good start.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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