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Valentine's Day - Acts of Love
It is an act of love, parenting. My daughter runs
in and jumps on the bed at 7 am Saturday morning. I
feel like saying, "Go away! Can't you see I'm
sleeping?" But I say, "Good morning, Molly. Up
early today aren't you?"
With sleep as precious as it is to me, this
little bit of love can take tremendous effort. But
it is just the beginning of the day. A day like
every other, where tremendous effort is routine,
where acts of love stack upon each other like a
tower of blocks from the floor to the
ceiling.
I reflect upon my own parents, and I realize
what effort went into raising me. Even if a parent
makes great mistakes or is abusive or neglectful,
they have still put in years of tremendous effort
and countless acts of love by the time their child
leaves home. Usually, the less skilled a parent is,
the more effort they have to put in. Solving
entrenched problems takes more time than
successfully avoiding them.
So it amazes me that so many people have
children. Don't they know how much work it is?
Don't they know how many sacrifices parenting
entails?
There must be a lot of love inside these people.
I am struck by our collective generosity. Of
course, wanting to give our love is not the only
reason we raise children. Pride in my child's
successes, enjoying the love I get back, and a
vague sense of immortality all figure into why I
muster up the effort day after day. But mostly,
it's love. I want so much for my daughter to be
happy.
And when I'm setting limits, it is also out of
love. It would be much easier on me if I let Molly
have dessert before she finishes her vegetables.
But I hold the line. I care too much about her
health to slack off. So we struggle. I disappoint
her. She rejects me. And then the vegetables are
eaten, dessert is had, and we are friends again.
Weathering this scene is another act of love.
With the tremendous effort parenting entails, I
find myself at times with precious little left over
for my wife, Sue, and our friends. Sue feels the
same way. I look at her at the end of the day. A
connection could be made, but one of us would have
to carry the ball. Some water passed under the
bridge today, but we're both too tired to catch it.
I am feeling unloved, unattended to.
Then Molly wakes up. She has peed in her bed.
Sue comforts her, and changes the sheets. I can
hear her singing a lullaby sweetly to my daughter
in the next room. I know that Molly is feeling
loved. I feel grateful to Sue for loving Molly so
much. I feel supported in my most important
endeavor, to help Molly grow up happy. I want to
thank Sue for this act of love. I make a note in my
journal, because I know that when she comes back to
bed, despite my tremendous effort, I'll probably
have fallen asleep.
Happy Valentines Day.
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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