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Is Your Love Life in Transition? Make 2023
the Year of Real Lasting Love
If you have been following my writing, you know
that I am a marriage and family counselor who
specializes in working with men. That reality is
surprising to many. When we think of love and
marriage, most people think, consciously or
subconsciously, that this is the province of women.
But here is a secret I’ve learned after more
than 50 years working with men, women, and couples.
Whether a relationship is successful and leads
to real lasting love or crashes in disillusionment
is primarily dependent on what the man does.
That’s right guys, you can make or break your
relationship.
One of my colleagues, Dr. Marianne J. Legato,
herself an expert on men’s and women’s
relationship, says,
“What men do in relationships is,
by a large margin, the crucial factor that
separates a great relationship from a failed
one. This does not mean that a woman
doesn’t need to do her part, but the data
proves that a man’s actions are the key
variable that determines whether a relationship
succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most
relationship books are for women. That’s
kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the
wrong patient.”
I went through two marriages and divorces before
I understood that having a successful relationship
depended on me. Up until then, I assumed that if I
found the right woman then worked hard to be a good
breadwinner, that everything would take care of
itself. Or at least that my wife would know what to
do. I imagined that women, because of being women,
knew the secrets of love. My job was to find the
right one and then to live happily ever after.
Relationships don’t just fall apart. There
are always warning signs. But when we’re busy
working and we assume that relationship success is
women’s work, we miss the warning signs until
it is too late. I talk about my own failures when
people visit my website and see my introductory
welcome “Confessions
of a Twice-Divorced Marriage
Counselor.”
Although marriages can end at any time, they are
becoming increasingly common at mid-life. My
colleagues Jeff Hamaoui and Kari Henley at the
Modern Elder Academy have written a wonderful
article, “Anatomy of a Transition,” that
captures the craziness and confusion of what we go
through when a relationship has ended.
They describe 3 Stages: (1) The End, (2) Messy
Middle, and (3) New Beginnings. In each stage there
are three steps we must navigate. Together they
constitute a map that can help us navigate the
journey from an ending to a new beginning:
Stage 1: The End
- External Kick or Internal Shift
Some relationships end when we are kicked in the
teeth (or somewhat lower in our anatomy.
“I’m no longer in love with you.
It’s over. I want a divorce.” Or it can
happen with a more gradual internal shift when the
negative aspects of our love lives build up until
we can no longer ignore them and we know we have to
change or die inside.
We have invested a lot of our hearts, souls,
hopes, and dreams in our relationship and we all go
through a phase of denial as we try and convince
ourselves that it isn’t as bad as we think or
surely things will turn around soon.
Our feelings go up and down. One minute
we’re sure its over, but something good
happens and we’re sure things are turning
around and everything is going to be all right.
There is a line from a song that captured this time
for me. “We’re walking the wire of pain
and desire, looking for love in between.”
Stage 2: Messy Middle
This is the period of being in between.
It’s called liminal space. We know an
important part of our old life has ended but
don’t know what lies ahead.
- Being drawn back to what is familiar
Even when we know a relationship has ended, we
are drawn back to what we know. “Be it ever so
shitty, there’s no place like home.” Even
after I knew my relationship was over I kept being
drawn back in. This is particularly true if we have
children. They want us together, no matter
what.
When we’re in the soup, we feel like we are
coming apart. What we know has disappeared and who
we are is frightening and unfathomable. It takes
real courage, and more than a little help from our
friends, to keep us afloat and moving ahead.
This is the key to our survival. The thread is
our connection to our True Selves which is
connected to Source or Soul. When we are deeply
connected to the Life Force, we can never get lost.
We never lose the thread, but it can be hard to
find when we are in the soup.
Stage 3: New Beginnin
Beginnings are exciting and fragile things. We
are learning to get to know ourselves anew and are
ready for a new relationship with ourselves and
someone else.
After the end of a relationship, we realize we
are becoming a new person to ourselves and we need
to take time to get to know ourselves. This often
means reflecting on our lives, including our past
relationships and understanding why we got in them
and why we had to leave (even when we weren’t
the ones who initiated the ending).
You are in a new world. You’ve found your
wings and you are flying. You feel more complete,
whole, and healthy. You are in love with life and
you’re ready to share your love with others.
You’re in no hurry. You’re not starving
for love. You have love in your life, but you know
you want to share it.
We’ve all had that feeling when you know
everything is as it is supposed to be. There are no
mistakes in our lives. Everything is part of the
journey. What we thought was a disaster turns out
to be the gift of rebirth.
Looking back I realize I went through these
stages with my first two divorces. But I also have
come to realize that in a long-term marriage, we
can go through them with the same person. My wife,
Carlin, and I have been together now for 43 years.
We both realized that we change and become
different people and so our relationship has to
change.
We decided we needed to review and renew our
relationship every 15 years. This allows us to let
the old relation go and create a new one that fits
who we are now. We’re coming up on our fourth
marriage to each other. It is wonderful to know we
can go through the stages together.
Starting Over: Create an Inspiring New Story
After Your Relationship Ends
In March, I will be offering a 4-day retreat
just for men. I’m excited to be joined by two
colleagues and friends, Shana James and Mark
Pirtle. This retreat is for men who have been
through an ending and are ready to start anew. Your
ending may have been the end of a marriage or it
may have been the end of an old relationship, but
one where you two are still together, but ready for
renewal.
This four-day retreat is for any man who may
be…
In shock about what happened and why his
relationship ended.
- In shock about what happened and why his
relationship ended.
- Stuck in a loop and can’t stop thinking
about his former partner.
- Grieving, feeling the intense pain of the
ending of a cherished relationship.
- Trying to ground himself before he starts to
think about dating again.
- Exploring a new relationship but being
careful.
- Wanting to learn more about sex, love, and
intimacy.
- In a relationship that needs to end or
transform.
- Wanting to ensure that he has real lasting
love in the future.
Are you a man who is ready to have the
relationship of your dreams? Do you know a man who
is ready to learn about real lasting love? If you
are interested in knowing more about this retreat,
I will answer all your questions. We are limiting
the retreat to just 15 men and it is filling up
fast. Drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com
and put “men’s retreat” in the
subject line.
©2023 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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